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A Valuable Mindset by Trilby Johnson

Article Written By Trilby Johnson

“Mind what you are saying, especially about and to yourself.
Because you always tend to believe it.”
– Trilby Johnson

Mindset, is all about the stories we tell ourselves as well as what motives us when making the decisions and taking the actions we do. Our mindset consists of belief systems that we learn as children and that will inform much of our lives as adults. Beliefs are the mental building blocks we have that help us to make sense of the world around us and which many use to draw meaning about their lives from. Mindset is important because it fuels our attitudes and the way it which we respond to situations and other people and it helps us to form habits.

For much of our lives, we operate from these conscious and subconscious mindsets. Depending on the quality of the predominant mindset however, as we go through different life stages, situations and experiences, a specific mindset which may have been suitable and effective beforehand, no longer offers the most appropriate results and outcomes and may require reassessment and updating to something new.

Sounds straightforward for sure. Yet many people struggle with this. Firstly, because these mindsets are often operating on a subconscious level as well as being habitual and automatic behaviours and responses. And so whilst a person may really desire to change a specific belief and attitude, they may experience resistance. For instance, a person who lacks self-confidence may desire to feel more confident. And so they may choose to believe they are more confident and there may even be an improvement in their confidence levels  – like the ‘fake it till you make it’ slogan. This may work for a while. However, faking it will not be sustainable for very long and often the older more habitual mindset can pull them down. This is the reason that in my opinion and experience, positive affirmations can only take someone so far, before there needs to be another shift to the next level.

Image courtesy of pixabay.com

To experience mindset in an evergreen way, there is more to mindset than mere beliefs. They are indeed the building blocks to how we choose to function in the world. Yet humans are also sentient beings and so much of our prioritizing is based on our value system, which is the foundation of our building blocks. This aspect is often overlooked when it comes to wanting to install new belief patterns. The reason, in my experience, that there can be so much resistance is because when our values and our beliefs are not in alignment, we experience resistance and feel that we have to force or struggle in life.

Our values are a set of core principles that we use in making decision across our lives and are based on importance and need. Not to be confused with your beliefs, which are basically assumptions that we take to be true. Tension can arise when two important values come into play and create a feeling of conflict, when it comes to making important decisions. For instance, whether to stay in a job that is no longer satisfying and boring for security reasons and because that’s how it’s been there for years. Or go for a new job or lifestyle where it would be possible to express more creativity and independence, although it’s risking financial security.

In a case like this, there may be several conflicting beliefs, feelings and circumstances that need to be managed. More often than not, a person can feel pulled in different directions and this makes choosing the correct mindset and attitude challenging. Values come from the heart and beliefs come from the head. So the challenge is finding a happy medium that makes resetting our minds easier.

To do this, prioritizing and updating your values is very important because situations and options are changing all the time, as we grow and expand. Here’s an example! A few years ago, I decided I wanted to be happier and healthier and release the struggle that seem to always appear. So I sat down and did an evaluation and prioritization of my values. One of my top three priorities was ‘security’. Imagine my astonishment when I realized that happiness and health were not even in my top 10! So I had to shift my beliefs around ‘being safe’ and looking at ‘happiness and health’ in a new way. This change in priorities and values, helped me shift my thinking and establish a new mindset, that incorporated all of these values.

Here is a short exercise to help you identify your top 10 core values are:
Sit down and write down the first things that come to mind that are important to you in your life. (If you need examples of values, just google values and you can find lists to draw from.)

  1. Rank them from 1 to 10 with 1 being the most important and 10 the least.
  2. Then ask yourself if these are still valid for you?
  3. Are these values truly your own?
  4. When sorted, ask if there are any ‘new’ values that you wish to add? Add and rank them.
  5. Reflect on what has come up and also write down any of the beliefs that may have popped up. For example, health depends on genetic make-up; or if I am happy people will think I am selfish etc.
  6. If the values identified are not in your top 10, I invite you to add them in. Then sit back and watch what shows up.
  7. Repeat often.

Actively participating in setting our values, helps to prioritize and activate them in both the conscious and subconscious mind. This dynamic is what fuels a powerful and positive intention, attitude and mindset. Having a valuable mindset, requires adding value to our lives and ensuring when and how our mindset serves us best as we grow and expand.

Much Love, Trilby

p.s. Would you like a great resource of original inspiration to support shifting your thinking? My book ‘A-Ha Moments’ is available online and will support you in having your own a-ha moments.


Trilby Johnson is an Author, Speaker and Body Energy Alchemist. She supports conscious and forward-thinking individuals to move from pain to resolution by resolving the core imbalances that destabilize and limit them, leaving them stuck in the muck of trauma and pain. When they connect the essence of who they truly are, they realize and align with their full potential and live happy, healthy and successful lives, on their own terms.

 

Website : http://www.trilbyjohnsontheconnective.com
Email: info@trilbyjohnsontheconnective.com

 

Self-Esteem – Do I have Enough?

Article Written By Ellen Rich

 

“Build your self-esteem by recalling all the ways you have succeeded, and your brain will be filled with images of you making your achievements happen again and again. Give yourself permission to toot your own horn, and don’t wait for anyone to praise you.”
~ Jack Canfield

 

Imagine you are on a beautiful paradise beach, lying in a hammock by the ocean, all alone.  You hear a soft voice behind you and turn to see that no one is there.  Listening more closely, the voice asks, “Since we are all alone, would you honestly say that you like and love yourself?”  And you answer either yes, no or maybe.

We are all human and have made mistakes throughout our lives.  These mistakes could be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. Whichever they have been, they are over.  The question is, do they come back to haunt you now, in the present, and influence your self-esteem?  As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Let’s take a look at four parts of your “self” that form the person you are today, determine if your self-esteem is coming from your skin and everything that surrounds your organs.  Not all bodies are the same, but if conscious, then you are part of the human species.

When you pass a mirror or see your reflection do you look at your body and judge yourself?  What about if you are naked?  Are you constantly performing makeovers on your appearance? When you look in the mirror, do you see imperfections in your skin and hair and wish you could make them way disappear?  Do you play with your hair color and style, change facial and body imperfections with surgery, lose or gain weight?

There are so many ways we can impact our physical body.  There are no right or wrong answers here, accept to determine if you are happy and satisfied.  If not, you can put a program in place to change what you don’t like. Changing your physical self can always be done, even if the root of some challenges is coming from the past. You can you renew yourself at any time.

Mental Self

The mental self is made up of many processes of your brain and your thoughts.  We all have thoughts, even the masters meditating in the caves in India or at an ashram.  Part of the human brain uses thoughts as a survival skill.  The thought isn’t the problem; it is the reaction to the thought that can cause us pain.

Many people get thoughts and emotions confused.  Thoughts cause an emotional reaction.  No thought — no reaction.  And even more profound is realizing that any thought is just a thought, no truer than the next.  This may sound strange, but thoughts are like our skin; they protect us and allow for suffering.  If the skin is cut, it may bleed and hurt.

If your mental makeup is causing you challenges, you can change it by getting help, finding support, going back to school, undergoing therapy, exercising and discovering other activities which can help you focus on how your mental processes are operating and why. Once you understand this, then you can begin the change process.

Emotional Self

Our emotional self is created by our thoughts and those of others whom we may or may not choose to believe.  The issue is not the specific thought. It is only if you get “hooked” by that thought and start to focus on it that an emotional reaction is formed. The more the thought is focused on, the harder it is to pull away from it and seek solutions.

We all have emotions that are typically deemed good (joy, happiness, ecstasy, love) and bad (evil, self-centered, rage, and anger) and so forth.  However, if you look deep into this process, it really isn’t the emotion that is important, but the believing it and immediately reacting without considering the context that is key. For example, is someone a freedom fighter or a terrorist?  It depends on the person’s perception of the world and his or her context.

Our childhood, parents, schooling and society have caused much emotional pain.  We suffer because we believe that these emotions are the only real reactions we can have.  It is no one’s fault that you had an uncomfortable experience (sometime) in the past, but that time is over.  By realizing that emotions can be changed and by living in the present, you can create a new emotional self.

Spiritual Self

Some of us were brought up in religious households and others with no religious or spiritual teachings and values at all.  Wikipedia states than there about 4,200 different religions in the world today.  I believe that each person on earth has his or her own religion.  That would take the number up to 7.5 billion per Wikipedia for 2017.

Some of us are very fundamentalist in our thought processes and take teachings at their word. Others are open to taking parts from many spiritual practices or even creating their own.

You can find your spiritual self in your heart.  You feel it and can’t use the mental, emotional or physical selves to help you out.  If you find yourself unhappy with your spiritual practice or are overwhelmed by it, you can change it by feeling your way into your heart.  This is a nonverbal process and only you will know how you feel.

So now what?

Self-esteem, no matter how you rate your own, is the basis to accepting yourself as you are and not how others define you. Even with your mistakes, flaws and differences, only you can determine if you are happy with yourself.  If you are not happy develop a plan for change.

There are many ways to change and only you will know which one (s) to pursue.  Here is a short list to get you started.

  1. Start a journal on each “self” and identify how you feel about each one.
  2. Seek out a therapist or Life Coach to help structure a program.
  3. Talk to someone with whom you feel comfortable.
  4. Search the internet for pertinent topics.
  5. Read some books recommended by people you admire.
  6. Go on retreat alone or with others.
  7. Take some time off to consider your life.
  8. Listen to talks on YouTube (especially Ted Talks).
  9. Brainstorm changes you could make.

And most importantly, have patience and be gentle and loving with yourself.

With much love

Ellen xx



After working in the corporate world for 30+ years, Ellen started a Holistic Life Coaching program.  Called act2.expert (www.act2.expert), it is a Holistic Life Coaching Program that allows the client drive the process in a safe and comfortable environment.  Ellen has a BA, MBA, many certificates and has attended Wisdom of the Whole Coaching Academy.

Are You A Gossip? Here’s Why it’s Bad For You!

It’s Time to Stop the Gossiping and Criticising:

Everyone gossips and the majority of people criticise others. As much as you would love to hear the newest piece of juiciest gossip about the girl across the road, or the PRIVATE message somebody shared with you, that you then screenshot and posted through social media to share with your followers.… it’s time to give it up!

As a coach, it really boils my blood to see this happen on the Facebook day in day out, the fact that one person came to somebody and opened their selves up wide in a PRIVATE message and the coach takes it upon their selves to then screenshot it and share it with their following to criticise and condemn the person who sent it!

Gossipping and criticising are another projection of someone’s low self-esteem and insecurities. If you’re criticising something about that person then it shows you have something that you’re not comfortable within yourself. It places on a show that you need to gain attention by pulling down somebody else. Which is far from living in integrity and completely shooting yourself in the foot as a coach who is clearly displaying their unfaithfulness with the lives that have been placed in your hands.

Nobody should trust a gossip, and nobody would want to work with a gossip in the success field. If all you can do is bitch and criticise then people will avoid you. People will work with you if you are good, honest, caring and do not judge or share PRIVATE content.

You have a private message box so that people can come to you and feel safe in a safe place and trusting you with their words of communication. For you to take that PRIVATE conversation and spread it all across social media is really you planting the seed to your own crappy experience, that will most likely hit you in the face 12 weeks from now. When we condemn somebody, we condemn ourselves 10 x times worse!

Now don’t take this from me! Take this from the natural divine laws that are written and placed into this universe to keep it orderly. I never wrote them, the powers that-be way above my head did. You reap what you sow! In everything you do!

So why do people find the need to gossip? Why do they find the need to plant such rotten seeds for themselves?

The reason why people gossip in groups is because they are petrified that any gossip will be spoken about them. Secretly they cannot help wondering what you are saying about them when they aren’t around. So if they make themselves part of the team of gossipers than they know that the gossip attention is on somebody else rather than their own lives. Could you EVEN imagine opening up your social media one morning and the PRIVATE conversation you had with one coach is then screenshot and posted on their public feed? ESPECIALLY if you are a person who has only JUST started your journey of self-discovery and you have such a MASSIVE journey to start yet?

How would you feel? How would you feel seeing your message, your beliefs and your PRIVATE words being pulled down? Pretty shit right? You would feel like that coach just crapped all over you and your trust would be gone in one second flat. You would left to feel violated and like you could never trust a coach in that niche again. It would leave a very painful mark on anybody’s trust and hurt somebodies feelings.

IT’S HURTFUL!!!

If you are a coach/mentor/teacher and you have been chosen to be faithful with the lives that are presented before you. If you cannot be faithful with them lives and feed your ego with attention grabbing ways that pull somebody down instead, then you deserve the kick in the ass that’s coming your way! Like I said previously, when we condemn somebody, we condemn ourselves 10 x times worse!

Recently I started a top 100 coaches list and will be publishing this in The Missing Piece Magazine as from August 17th, 2017.
On this list is the coaches that I have hand picked myself and have checked out and deserve to be on that list, these coaches will go through many in depth checks per year to see if they truly are living from integrity and how they interact with their followers to enable them to stay on that list.

When you start your self-discovery journey you deserve to be presented with people who CAN be faithful with your PRIVATE words and who don’t display them for their own attention. I know myself I have started clearing up my friend’s list on Facebook because I really don’t want to be associated with those who feel the need to pull others down. It’s down right crap, unfaithful and so far from integrity, it’s unreal.

You deserve the best in life, so keep your standards high!
Check out the 100 coaches list as from August in The Missing Piece Magazine! You deserve the best!

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Much Love

Kate xx

 

Five Keys to Avoid Overwhelm By Alyssa Cruise

 

Guest Blog: Written By Alyssa Cruise.

Before I share the five keys, I want to clarify the difference between overwhelm and burnout. Overwhelm is often an in-the-moment feeling and can be triggered by stress. It leaves us feeling as though we can’t handle everything going on around us.

However, unlike overwhelm, burn out happens when we haven’t been listening to the signals our body sends, we become exhausted and before long we’ve reached burnout.

This article focuses upon overwhelm, how to avoid it and how you can kiss overwhelm goodbye for good!

 

  1. Just Say No!

Are you saying no enough?  As someone who is most probably empowered, passionate and creative you have already learnt to say yes to lots of things. In most cases this is a positive practice. Saying yes pushes us out of our comfort zones. It opens amazing new doors of opportunity and growth. However, before you reach burn out check in with yourself and ask yourself; “am I saying yes to too many things?”

You can easily begin to feel overwhelmed when you can’t manage your obligations fully. Or perhaps you’ve taken on too many responsibilities. Now’s the time to take an objective step back and see if there are areas in your life that you could ‘trim back on’ to suit you better. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help, as feeling burdened is one sure way to lead to overwhelm.

2. Start Your Day Right

When we start our day in the right frame of mind we feel more in control of our lives. Have you ever had a day you woke up late for something? Perhaps it left you feeling flustered and agitated and then you noticed how the rest of the day seemed to follow suit. Yes, we are human and those days can happen to us all. But when those days become more than a one off is when overwhelm will become a problem.

Begin your day in the most peaceful and productive way possible. The first thing I do is drink water with fresh lemon and yes, I do this before I check my phone, social media or emails! After waking we need to fuel our bodies. I also read a chapter from a book that inspires and motivates me. This offers me focus and intention for my own purpose that day.

Think about how you can start your day in the most positive and empowered way and come up with morning routines that nourish and nurture you. Maybe stretches, yoga or listening to an uplifting podcast. Having a morning ritual such as these, makes it very hard for overwhelm to find you and try to bring you down.

 

2. Don’t Hop Around

See if you recognise yourself in any of these statements.

  • I structure my workdays
  • I move methodically from one project to the next, with space between each
  • I finish one task and then move immediately to another
  • I have many tasks on the go at any one time
  • I’m restless and constantly checking social media, emails etc., while planning my day

When we create a schedule we’re less likely to face overwhelm. If we give ourselves set time between each task to reboot and reset, we’ll feel less stressed and better able to cope with the demands of our job. Unlike ‘hopping’ around with no organised plan, which can easily lead to overwhelm.

 

3. Tidy Up Time!

I remember as a young child in school we had ‘tidy up time’. This was a set amount of time for the end of the day where we would get our coats, bags, lunchbox and pens packed and ready to be taken home. Now as an adult I still remind myself to participate in this tidy up time, in a new, structured and practical way.

So, how can you implement this same philosophy into your busy day? It’s simple, take time before your day has finished to catch up on any loose ends. After all, when you get home to spend time with those you love, they should have your undivided attention. But, that’s difficult to do if you’re thinking about that last email you should have sent, or the phone call you forgot to make.

By scheduling in 30 minutes before the end of each day, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to review, evaluate and complete those tasks that just can’t wait. You’re taking control of a much better work/life balance and creating harmony between the two.

 

4. Be the Captain of Your Own Attitude

Are you ready to be the captain of your attitudes and improve the way you approach life?

Overwhelm, simply put, is when we feel we have lost control of the moment that we are in. It can leave us feeling; flustered, confused and stressed. But, what if we approached every moment from a conscious place of confidence, high energy and trust?

When unforeseen circumstances arise are you going to be the person who yells out, ‘I don’t know what to do!’ or are you going to be the person who calmly says to yourself, ‘I don’t have a plan right this second, but I know all things can be figured out and resolved’.

The decision is yours. If you make a conscious choice in every moment to stand in your own personal power, you are the calm within the storm. Decide to be the voice of reason when everyone else is in chaos.

 

Leave Overwhelm Behind for Good

Implement these strategies and;

  • learn what to say no to
  • start your day right
  • enjoy a better work/life balance
  • prioritise tasks
  • be in control your own thoughts and
  • you will very rarely feel overwhelmed again

We cannot see what the future holds, or what awaits us. But, we can breathe deeply and make a promise to ourselves that we will learn to handle everything we’re faced with. Whatever we have on our plate we can deal with….one step at a time.

Thank you so much for reading! I will see you in the next issue of The Missing Piece Magazine.

Much Love

Alyssa xx

Coach, Writer, Spiritual Life Hacks at alyssacruise.com

 

 

Selling is 80% Psychology!

When it comes to selling in your business, it really is 80% psychology and 20% mechanics that lead to building a foundation of raving followers who turn into paying clients. Gone are the days of cold-calling and knocking on doors. Human beings work through emotion and everything we do—or buy—is based on how it makes us feel.

We buy from those we know and trust. You know yourself when a service does not live up to the standards we were promised, we then feel disappointed and upset. We feel cheated after parting with our hard-earned cash to pay for those goods or services.

To sell successfully through social media takes practice, but once you have mastered the skills and have incorporated them into your life on a daily basis it becomes effortless. You then begin to construct a strong foundation of raving fans and this leads to creating amazing relationships and leadership influence within your following. This leadership influence leads you to attract people and opportunities that you would never have experienced before.

I thought if at least I give you some useful information in one place (in this blog) at hand you could not fail and by using this advice along the way you will adopt this effective communication that will help you boost your engagement and save you wasting hours on stuff that is not working!

Remember you are a business owner and you are here to do business not babysit the excuse makers who cannot see the value in what you are offering. You want to be working with those who are serious about change in their lives and business and growing yours. I am going to give you 3 great pointers in growing your social media presence and engagement:

1, Create content that triggers engagement from people:

Don’t get caught up in posting all about yourself, this journey is about how you can help others. Create content that will spark engagement, conversation and you gaining comments from your following. It’s not about creating content that they will just like or share, this about developing meaningful relationships with them so that you have a solid ground of clients and referrals from others.

2, Really start to understand what is going on in your follower’s mind!

It seems to have become the over powering norm of creating chaos in our Facebook newsfeeds with one sponsored advert after another of “Download my PDF” or “”Sign up for my free 4 part video series where I teach you how to earn 6 figures in 6 weeks” this is completely choking the heck out of a Facebook follower. People do NOT come to Facebook to buy, they come to engage socially, watch videos that interest them and connect with people around the world. Buying is not the main frame of their mind and this is why it irritates the pants off people! How do I know? That is because when I see 20+ ads on Facebook each day and I actually take the time to read the comments left under the advert because this tells you EXACTLY how your follower thinks! This will open your eyes wide to see the overwhelm that can happen in an everyday newsfeed.

3, Focus on building relationship first:

Focusing on building rleationships first will really help you build a deeper and more meaninful relationship with your clients. If you actually work from a place of humanity, love and care about the people you work with then do place relationship first! Get to know the people who follow you, have conversations in your comments thread. Ask them open ended questions in your posts so that you get to know more about them. Don’t talk about you first, ask them about themselves, what they do, if they have children, are they married? So that it starts to fetch this person to life like the human being they really are.

There is more to somebodies life then just Fascebook, and by learning and chatting to your followers more and creating content that strikes engagment first, you will build more powerful and deeper relationships. Plus, further down the road of your relationship if they do choose to purchase a service from you, then at least you can serve them better from the information you too the time to learn in the first place.

It’s time to see selling for what it really is in the online industry! If people preffer to sell to you 80% of the time rather then just ask you how your day is then maybe humanity is missing out of the equation here?

Have an awesome Tuesday and I really hope these points help you on your selling journey!

Much Love & Appreciation

Kate xx

 

The Battle I Will Never Lose!

No matter how much it hurts, no matter how many times I have to pull myself out of the pit and drag myself up by my finger nails. No matter how painful the journey is, I WILL NEVER give in to him.

Him as in the darkness, You will most likely use the name ego, doubt, darkness, sub-conscious mind, hag in the attic. Well, whatever you like to call the voice in the back of your mind it sure is a bloody battle to keep on growing, to keep on going to improve yourself every day.

The battle between good and evil that goes on day in day out on this planet. You, the human, which is one of God’s highest forms of creation is used within this battle. Your darkness tries to control you, squash your dreams and talk you out of ever doing anything amazing because the fear takes over.

Don’t let it! You are far stronger then you can even begin to understand. You have the strength within you to fight the battle and come out stronger than before, however, that is just what it is, it’s a battle. An upward battle to come through each storm of growth because the comfort zone/darkness/ego HATES it when you succeed or create something that changes humanity for the better.

Why? Because it feels threatened that humanity will all stand together and completely destroy negativity. You see humanity is starting to fight back and take its power of freedom back. More and more people all across the world are starting to work on themselves, more and more people have the thirst for personal-growth each and every day. Slowly a blanket of love, respect and gratitude is starting to sweep across the world. Give it 10 years and there will be more people working on themselves every day to fight the ego/darkness than there is right now, and every 10 years after that it will increase.

It will then be passed down from generations to come and legacies will start to sweep over the nation and mindsets will be completely different to what they are now.

Is personal growth a constant battle?

YES! It is, but do you know what is worse? Sitting in your rocking chair at the age of 85 and looking at your grandchildren and telling them all the things you didn’t do with your life. I don’t know about you? But when I get to that age I still want to be travelling and speaking just like Bob Proctor! Still changing lives and have a huge pool of knowledge to share with every generation across the world.

Every time we reach another level of understanding, or we are about to reach another level of success. The ego/darkness HATES IT! So we are tested and the storm comes. That storm could be a battle of doubt, a testing moment, or it could be a way of testing your weaknesses or spiritual principles. So you have to be prepared and you have to be willing to accept that the storm is coming.

If you stay the course of the battle, either with your mind, or experience. Just keep your faith in knowing that on the other side of that battle or storm there is an amazing experience waiting for you.

You just have to ride the storm and win the battle first!

Have a wonderful Thursday,

Much Love & Appreciation

Kate xxx

Mums Fix Everything Right? Well I Couldn’t f***ing Fix This!

Day 1:

Well, at least that is what I thought and for the past 20 years, that is all I have been doing. “Mum I need you to fix this it’s not working”, “Mum how do I make this happen”, “Mum what do I do with this?”
If you are a parent you know them statements only too well from your children and you have adopted that role of the “fixer”. Well, I wish that was possible for me yesterday, but it wasn’t.

Nothing I could do could fix the situation we were in and I felt useless. When I received that call at 6:30 am in the morning to tell me my daughters waters had broken and she was on her way to the hospital, I sprang into fixer mode and started packing her hospital bag. We were so unorganised because she was only 27 weeks into her pregnancy and this was unexpected.

I rushed around like a headless chicken fixing the hospital bag cancelling all meetings that day and calling my partner back from work. As soon as Matthew arrived home we chucked everything in the car and headed to the hospital. I tried frantically to get in touch with my daughter on the way to the hospital, but she was not answering. 20 minutes later she called me to say she had delivered the baby but it was not looking good.

I was only 10 minutes away from the hospital at this time, now I was in shock in tears and needed to get there soon as possible. We pulled up in the hospital car park and grabbed the bag out the boot of the car and my phone rang again. It was Emily to tell me that the baby had passed away. I couldn’t breathe, I felt like somebody had punched me in the stomach. Now how the fuck am I suppose to fix this?

With tears streaming down my face I grabbed the hospital bag and ran to the special baby unit. When we arrived we were guided to a side room called the “Snow Drop” suite. The midwife could have been talking French for all I know, the only words I remembered her saying was “I am so sorry for your loss” the rest was a blur.

I just needed that urgency of holding my child because right now she would need her mother. I sat down on the sofa in the Snow Drop suite and waited for what seemed like 5 hours, but was only 10 minutes.
The double doors opened and the midwives pushed Emily’s hospital bed into the room. I turned my head back to the door and stood in the door frame was Mark holding his tiny son wrapped in a white towel.
Mark sat next to me and cried his heart out while holding his son. I held Mark and told him how sorry I was and I looked down at the little bundle he was holding. He passed me the bundle and I held him in my arms, he was still warm and he was the most beautiful thing I had laid eyes on.

His head was to the side and his mouth open, trying to get my mind to understand he was not alive was challenging. Every ounce of me hoped and prayed for a tiny noise or some movement, but nothing.
My tears fell from my cheeks onto his forehead. I passed him to my partner and walked over to the bed and sat next to Emily and hugged her and told her how sorry I was. She looked at me and said “Sorry for what mum? You have no need to be sorry”.

The rest of the morning was spent gathering footprints, hand prints and a lock of hair from David. I offered to wash him and dress him for his photo’s. His tiny body was stuck to the white towel he had been wrapped in and I had to peel the towel every so gently away from his skin, carefully not to tear his delicate skin. I wash him down with baby wipes to clean all the blood off his skin from the top of his neck to the bottom of his dinky toes.

He had really long legs, big hands and big feet, but so do all the boys in our family. His little legs had become black from no circulation or heartbeat in his tiny little body and he had a little bruise on his nose and chest where the nurses had tried to resuscitate him for over 30 minutes. I dressed him in a little white vest and wrapped him back up in his blanket and lifted him up to my face to get a better look at him. I wanted to take in every detail of his face while I had the chance. I kissed his cheek and could feel his cold skin against my lips.
I placed him back in mum’s arms and the vicar arrived to baptise him. We had a lovely little ceremony and he was blessed and his soul was released to heaven, where he lays in Jesus’ arms until the day we meet him again. I thanked the vicar for the lovely ceremony and he looked at me and said: “I am so sorry for your loss, there are no words to console your pain right now”.

I looked at him with my tear stained face and said: “Mum’s usually fix everything, this is something I cannot fix”, the vicar looked at me and said, “I know, God bless you and your family”. I shook his hand and thanked him for baptising David and he left the room.

I and Matthew spent the next hour with David and said our goodbyes forever. I took some photos of him and his foot and hand prints and kissed my daughter goodbye. This was now her time to spend alone with him until she decided she was ready to say goodbye.

We found out from the medical report that the placenta detached itself from Emily’s womb, which is why her waters broke and why David passed away. Even though this is a hard tragic time right now, I am so appreciative of the time I spent with my first grandson. I am so glad I made the choice to spend that time with him and to wash him and dress him because that will stay with me forever.

Today is a new day, and we have to move forward even if it’s a tiny step at a time. Emily is still in the hospital and the doctors don’t want to discharge her until tomorrow. So from there, she will decide what kind of funeral she would like for David and how it will happen.
I didn’t think in a million years I would be burying my grandson before Christmas, but I do know that everything happens for a reason in life and even know I could not fix this, I know there is a reason for all of this and even though it does not make any sense right now. It will do further down my journey.

Day 2:
Acceptance?
Such an easy word to say, but in reality is the hardest thing you have to do. This is the part where you have to take responsibility for your reality and see the situation for what it is and how it is.
However, even though you are seeing the reality of the situation and accepting that it has happened and seeing it for what it is, you shouldn’t see it worse than it is.

You have to still remember that each day the world keeps turning and life keeps moving. You have to also understand that no matter how much pain you are hurting there is still those that need you. Those that still need you to guide them. Especially if you are someone that thousands of people on a daily basis look to for inspiration and to be led and most importantly a grandmother to another grandchild.

Throughout the journey of leadership, you have to really separate yourself sometimes from what is going on around you in order to keep focused on the things that need to keep moving forward. When people are looking at you day in day out (and we are talking thousands of people here) not just 1 or 2 who I can say “It’s alright to put this off for a few weeks and I will come back to you”. No, we are talking about HUGE dreams that have been placed in my responsibility to help make a reality I can’t just let it all crumble and say “fuck this” and walk away.

I was trusted with huge responsibility and with great power comes massive responsibility. So, even if it’s for a few hours, 45 minutes or even 10 minutes of the day I still need to lead a team to point them in the right direction of where they need to be in order to make the clients dreams still become reality.

I won’t lie it’s taking every ounce of mental strength I have daily to keep one leadership shoe on, support my daughter through the death of her son and start to help plan an infant’s funeral. Yesterday was extremely painful to lay me bare in front of you and to share the painful story of events that happened only 48 hours ago. However, like most writers, it can be amazing therapy and realise of the feelings that I am feeling so they are not locked up inside and driving me insane.

It’s also a great way for you and me to connect on a personal level. So that you can see that even though someone can succeed in so many ways it makes us no different on the human side. Shit still happens in my world and if any leader describes their life has perfect then they are talking out of their arse. Leadership is HARD and a TOUGH road and it is not for everyone, hence the reason why only very few actually make it.

There are two different types of people, leaders and followers. I was created for the leading part and in every situation no matter in personal life or business, I lead the rest of the group. Sometimes days are tough and some days it’s really really tough, but the overall outcome is priceless. I slipped into them leadership shoes for 30 minutes before the sun came up so to keep all projects on track and keep the client’s dreams on the road to reality.

Now, as I sit here and watch the sunrise on a new day, on the 3rd day of loss in our family. I have learnt to accept the situation that David is gone. My daughter has also accepted that she now needs to plan a funeral and take her first steps to call the funeral director.

One day all of this will make sense to why it happened and the pieces of God’s plan will form sensibility of it all. Until then all I know is that writing about it and sharing my journey really stops me going insane.
Thank you for all your messages, comments and love that you are sharing with me. There is too many to keep up with and reply to so I send you all one big thank you!

Here’s to a new sunrise, a new day, another little step towards healing.

Taken from David’s diary, written by Kate Gardner.

 

How to Make Relationships WORK!

A healthy loving relationship is a sacred gift from our higher source of power. For those who call your higher power God, just like me. We know that god wants us to love each other and create together. He didn’t want us to be upset in a relationship or be miserable, nor did he want us to merely exist in an unloving duty that we feel the need to be tied to because of money of other issues.

A relationship should be a happy journey for you and your partner. You both should have the room you need for each of you to develop and grow. Not everyone stays the same and over time we evolve. We all have personal growth journeys and none of us will be the same people ten years from now. This means the relationship has to grow and develop with us or it will never work. Too many people stay together just for the sake of “making things easier.”

We tell lies to ourselves by doing this. Nothing is going to be easier; in fact you are making life ten times harder for yourself for not being you. If you are not being complete free who you want to be then it’s time to stretch your wings and be the person that you have always wanted to be. It’s time to seriously look at what we should be doing in this relationship and what we shouldn’t. I can’t promise that at the end of this blog that your relationship will be all rosy and everything will be fantastic. But I can promise that I will give you a better understanding and make you aware of the things that should be happening, in order to improve your everyday lives, and also not to live frustrated and misunderstood each day.

We all yearn for emotional and spiritual connection. We want to be accepted for who we are. We want to be forgiven for our past mistakes and not be judged by the one person we share our lives with. We want understanding, affection, tenderness and we want our partner to know when exactly we need these things, so that we can receive them.

When we first enter a relationship we tend to put on our happy face and also wear the rose tinted specs. For the first 3 months our heads in the clouds and we are in honeymoon period. We are so overjoyed and infatuated with each other that we cancel out the real world. We only think of the “now moment” rather than 6, 12 months from now. After the infatuation dies down, reality sinks in. We really start to learn the person behind the happy face and we start to notice their true habits and true personality.

A long-term relationship and a marriage require a lot of work from both parties. It requires sensitivity, communication, respect, empathy and listening to one another. It requires a lot of your attention and time to make sure it keeps developing while you’re together.

One of the strongest tools in a relationship is communication and it’s something a lot of couples don’t do. We somehow expect our partners to automatically know how we are feeling. We have all expected this, at same stage in a relationship within our lives and those who say they haven’t really are not being completely honest to them self. Think about it for one moment. If we didn’t have to communicate to have the perfect relationship and our partners could read our minds then would frustration really exist?…Course it wouldn’t. In fact everyone would have perfect relationships, awesome sex lives and the divorce lawyers would be out of business!

My friends the only way you are going to have the most amazing relationship and sex life is through communicating with each other and telling each other how you feel and also taking each other’s feelings into consideration. HOWEVER. You do both have to commit to doing the work and carrying out the communication in the first place. If only one of you decides to complete the work and the other chooses not to then you’re both going to end up on completely different pages? Which will result in you totally not understand where the other person is coming from? So take your time to work through each issue in your relationship together, and support each other while you are taking this new journey.

Facing the Music

For any relationship to move forward we first have to deal with the issues that are frustrating you right now. Not every person possesses the same levels of caring, respect and love as each other.

You may love at a deeper level then your partner. Remember that you are not the same people and you have come from entirely different backgrounds. So you have learnt different ways of how to treat others. What might seem unacceptable treatment to one could feel completely normal to the other.

This is where frustration comes in.  So rather than communicating with each other we will instead bottle these emotions up which then build up and can result in an explosion of emotions which result in a huge argument. This is why in order to move forward we have to face the music and we have to put all our cards on the table and be forced to look at our bad points…….and accept them!

Don’t expect them to read your mind or live up to expactations that they could never reach! That’s completely unacceptable to expect somebody to deliver a high expectency and then later pull them down for not reaching what is expected from them. Nobody is perfect, so if you learn to support each other and work on the weak points (weak points NOT bad) you will go on to grow together and have a wonderful relationship.

Now I am not saying that won’t ever be storms to ride, stressful times ahead or unexpected hurdels ahead, because I would be completely B.S-ing you! Of course they will! But at least if you work together stronger as a unit, rather then divided you will come through the worse storms and out the otherside stronger then ever!

I pray a massive  blessing over you today and your relationships, and may your realtionship be as strong and happy as mine.

Have a wonderful rest of your week,

Much Love

Kate xx

 

My Brain Went Haywire

Guest Blog written by:  by Martin Warrillow

The human brain can only be worked so hard. When it’s had enough, it goes haywire. The only job I ever wanted when I was growing up was to be a journalist and despite being born with spina bifida and hydrocephalus (Google it, lol…) I fulfilled that childhood wish to work in journalism.

I had 24 years on various local daily and weekly newspapers in the West Midlands, with most of them spent on the sports desk of a major regional morning newspaper.
We worked ridiculous evening shifts, starting at 3pm and finishing whenever we finished, which was usually between midnight and 1am.

We worked almost every Sunday (we did get Saturdays off, although some of us worked a Saturday to earn extra money) and we worked every Bank Holiday . Of course, this meant I didn’t get home until 1.30am or so and rarely went to bed before 2am.

With my wife waking at 6am to go to work, it meant I wasn’t getting a lot of ‘proper’ sleep. I was also eating ‘on the run’ and eating a bad diet. In hindsight, it was a recipe for disaster and in 2006-7, I started to suffer epilepsy. Gigantic ‘Fall out of bed, lose control of your bodily functions’ seizures.
I had at least ten of them and it took the doctors 18 months to work out what was happening. Finally, my employer paid for a private consultation with a professsor of neurology; to be honest, I think they were frightened about what would happen if something really dramatic went wrong and they were shown not to have fulfilled their duty of care to an employee.

I will never forget the day I sat in that consultant’s office and he said: “You don’t know how close you’ve come to killing yourself. Your eating and sleeping patterns are wrecked; your body clock’s shot to bits.”

Sensing disaster ahead, the company quickly took me off those shifts, put me on regular day shifts for a while and things calmed down. They put me on a veritable feast of medication and as I write, I haven’t had a fit since February 2010. But at the end of 2009, my department was the victim of cost-cutting in the newspaper industry as the internet took all their classified advertising and my job was made redundant.

I moved into the world of freelance journalism and got a decent annual contract editing the quarterly magazine of British Naturism. Yes, British Naturism, the organisation which promotes social nudity as a leisure activity. My wife and I had been naturists since stumbling on to a clothes-optional beach in Spain in 1991 so it seemed the perfect job. And indeed, I enjoyed it for the first three-and-a-half years until the 1% of the membership which voted in leadership elections decided to change the chairman.

The new incumbent hated me and office politics came to the fore. In the autumn of 2013, I decided not to apply for another annual contract but before I could leave, the organisation decided not to renew my contract – and told me in a two-minute phone call one Sunday night, a month before Christmas.

That decision took away 90 per cent of my income and over the next two weeks, I panicked about replacing it. I stressed too much, I worked too hard, I networked too much (at least five meetings a week) – in hindsight, I took my brain and body to their limits and beyond. Then, while I was crossing a road near my home on the afternoon of Monday December 16 2013, I collapsed without warning. I lay in the road helpless – paralysed down my left side, carrying a £2,000 computer in my right hand and with a 47-seater bus coming towards me. I’d had a stroke. At the age of 49, after two and a half decades in the high-pressure world of journalism, my body and brain had cried ‘Enough!’

It should have killed me but somehow the bus miraculously missed me (I am still convinced to this day that the driver doesn’t know I was there, because I was in his blind spot) – and I survived the stroke. I spent a month over Christmas and New Year in hospital (the first two weeks of it wholly paralysed down my left side), I was in a wheelchair for four months, on sticks for 18 months.

It took two years for me to re-learn how to walk (which I still do with a limp) and I have been left with long-term memory loss and balance issues. But at least I’m alive. I’ve been retired from full-time work since December 2015 but I blog about stroke education at www.askthewarrior.com
and I do talks about stroke education as ‘The Warrior’ – specifically emphasising the need for self-employed people to take care of their brains and bodies – no 20-hour days or 100-hour weeks! – and also to prepare financially for the life-changing event “which will never happen to me.”

I’m living, breathing proof that it can happen to you if you work your brain and body too hard. If I can help one person to avoid going through what I’ve been through, I see that as creating a massive positive out of a massive negative.

Thank you for reading,

Martin Warrillow

Overcoming Betrayal and Forgiveness!

Guest blog Written by Judy Van Niekerk:

Forgiveness is such a misunderstood concept in our society today.

Forgiveness is a journey, a natural by product of healing. A journey that involves so many twists, turns, dead ends and false horizons. With each dead end bringing with it a sense of going deeper into the abyss, and each false horizon a pain and frustration so consuming it threatens to overwhelm you.

Yet, one day, you wake up, wipe the sleep from your eyes, and something is different. You don’t know what it is, but all of a sudden you see colour, vibrancy and there is a light at the end of the tunnel that shows a clear and real horizon.

You have a feeling of inner peace, a connectedness that had been lost for so long, that feels so good to have back and there is hope, faith and excitement for what the future will hold.

Then a situation arises that makes you confront your source of betrayal, whatever form that took, be it abuse, loss, disease, violence – that you realise you feel so different towards it.

You have an ability to let it go. You realise that the person or situation does not have the same hold on you. Not for their sake, but for you, for the sake of your life and your own destiny.

It is then you realise you have forgiven!

Forgiveness does not mean to condone, it is not a judgment on the other person or situation – but a release of their hold on you. This was my experience when a few years ago, I was told by the police Detective that my father, who was serving 54 years in prison, was dying.

The memories of the years of pain, torment, fear and anguish washed over me like a tsunami but I didn’t drown under them, instead I intuitively knew what I must do. Living in South Africa at the time, I got the next flight to Dublin, and I went to see my father in the hospice where he had been transferred to.

It was the hardest, yet easiest thing I have ever done, walk into a room alone and face a man – who had imprisoned me for almost two decades whilst violently and daily raping me, shooting me, making me pregnant several times and conducting brutal home abortions – whilst I was isolated from society, denied schooling or any form of human interaction.

There I was face to face with the man, my father, the press had labeled evil after the court hearing.

I saw a wasted man, consumed by his own agony, still completely oblivious of the harm he brought to me as he continued to be able to right say it to himself and to me, still completely so self absorbed in his last days, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

Gratitude that I was able to break away from him, gratitude for everything I had achieved in my life, gratitude for all I had in my life and the life I was yet to live, gratitude that my path was so different to his and finally gratitude for the life he had given me for without it, I surely would not be living the life I have.

With that gratitude came an ability for me to say, thank you Dad for everything, I love you.

That was when I truly understood forgiveness.

It was not for me to judge my father’s journey in this life. Each one of us has our own path to walk. The experiences we encounter on that journey are skills, tools and even gifts that we need to fulfil that journey; and that day, I saw my father, a lonely middle aged man, having been a part of the gift of my life.

I did not need nor did I expect an apology from him, and when you think about it, if I genuinely believed that what he did for me was a gift, then what would he have to apologise for?

As you read this you may be at a very very different part of your journey towards healing, and you may find what I say so incredulous, unbelievable even or even tempted to label me with Stockholm Syndrome, just know that what you are feeling right now – is completely normal and totally understandable.

During some of the dark times on my own healing journey, when I read articles like this, I went out of my mind, I could not comprehend it. But as my journey continued, reading about others experience not only gave me hope, but helped me contextualise my confused web of feelings and emotions.

Although I forgive my father for all he did,  I did report him to the police and it was the first ever case of it’s kind in Europe to have been held out of camera, free for the press to report. In his summation the Judge said it was the worst case of child abuse he had ever heard and sentenced my father to 54 years. The incidence of women and girls reporting sexual crimes went up 75% in Ireland at the time.

Forgiveness does not mean we condone, and does not prohibit us from taking action against those that had wronged us – for this is what is necessary in the mortal realm of society. But in the spiritual realm, forgiveness and gratitude is the food and nourishment for our soul.


Written by Judy van Niekerk
www.JudyVanNiekerk.com