I had allowed someone to strip me so bare of my self-worth that I wanted to end it all. Even though I had two small children at the time and the world at my feet, I didn’t care in that moment. Sometimes, we get caught up in a fairy tale dream that we have and let someone strip the layers from our self-worth, strip by strip until there is nothing else to take away. They do say false love is blind, and blimey, it sure was at that point in my life. However, it was only one of the crosses I had to bear to become who I am today. Would I have changed that event in my life? NO!
What I learned from my life events was vital to being an effective coach. It gave me a deeper understanding of why some people feel worthless to the point of wanting to end their lives, especially when someone else in the equation plays a huge part in you not wanting to be here anymore.
I ended up in many abusive relationships in my life, which, again, nearly cost me my life. However, this time it was not by my own hands; it was the stress of one relationship that caused me to develop an anxiety disorder, which resulted from me in having huge panic attacks—one panic attack resulted in a stroke, which paralysed the right side of my body for two months afterward. Let me tell you about my journey of losing my self-worth completely by letting someone take it away from me.
MY KNIGHT IN SHINING TIN FOIL:
At the age of 30, I went to stay with my friend one weekend. She was having a little get-together with a few friends, and one person who I had not seen for over 10 years was going to be there that very evening. His name was Tim. He used to live on the very same street as me many moons ago with his partner and two step-children. Anyway, his relationship broke down and he moved away, never to be seen again—until now. It was a boy-meets-girl-again moment, a falling-head-over-heels-in-love moment, and all that crap.
(Now, when I say crap, I don’t want you to think for one moment I am being negative about love and relationships because that is far from true. This relationship was far from true love, and the end nearly cost me my life!)
Meeting Tim again had the similar feeling to when I had an affair with Adam, my boss—that feeling that tells you that you shouldn’t be doing this for some reason, but you do anyway. Obviously, this was the beginning of another painful lesson to be learned, and yet another cross to bear.
Tim was originally from Lancashire, the UK which is where he lived and worked. When we started our relationship, he would drive through on the weekends to see me and drive back on Sunday evenings. We lived around 250 miles apart, so there was quite a distance between us to travel to and from where he lived. We kept in touch through the week by phone, and he would call me most days, which at the time I thought was so sweet of him—me being completely unaware of the fact that Tim had a completely separate life on the other side of the coast!
Unknown to me, he actually lived with someone, which had somewhat escaped his attention to tell me this. Christmas 2009 was one of the worse Christmases I have ever experienced in my life. During the time of year where everybody celebrates and looks forward to a new year, I was sitting alone, crying my eyes out for two reasons. First, because Tim said he was coming to my house for Christmas, but he never turned up. His phone was switched off and I had no way of getting in touch with him. So there I was, left completely in the dark, thinking the guy may have died on the way to see me.
Second, because Facebook helps you to track down almost any human on the planet who uses it. I decided to contact a member of his family, and I contacted his brother to let him know I was Tim’s girlfriend and that I was worried because he had not turned up at my house that evening. His brother simply replied, “How can you be Tim’s girlfriend, when he lives with somebody?” My heart stopped and I couldn’t breathe. What a bloody fool I had been, AGAIN! Was every man who I came across just going to rip my heart out and stamp on it? You would think that right here and now, after finding this out, which made my Christmas a terrible one, that I would never take him back, right?
…Obviously, I had not suffered enough just yet….
I had stupidly been sucked in by his lies again as he started reeling off some bullshit story that he had been arrested that Christmas evening, had been locked up in a police cell and that he didn’t live with anyone. So blinded by what I thought was love, I believed him like a complete fool, and the relationship continued.
A couple more months into the relationship, Tim give up his flat in Lancashire and moved over to my hometown. He instantly said to me that he didn’t want to live in my hometown, and said we should consider moving to the countryside. So, again, blinded by what I thought was love, I started looking for houses to rent within the countryside. I found a large 3-bedroom property six miles away from where I currently lived, in a small village called Burton Agnes. I moved my children to different schools and gave notice on my current home and to all of my clients in my child-care business. I then moved six miles into the middle of nowhere to start a fresh life with Tim and my children.
I had to adjust after 11 years of living on my own as a single mother to now having a relationship with a person who lived under the same roof. To begin with, the relationship was fantastic: for the first four months, we were happy and my business picked up straight away with new clients, and I was soon looking after children within the village and surrounding village areas. I also made myself known at the local village school, so that the staff would know about me and the services I provided with looking after children.
It was an added bonus when the school invited me to teach for them once a week. They needed help with the children’s reading times, and with it only being a very small school, they didn’t have as many staff as they needed. The school was impressed with my track record of being a qualified child psychologist, as well as the experience I had as a child-minder. You could say my life was slotting into a perfect picture of happiness: I was living in a big gorgeous house in the countryside with a man who had moved from the other side of the country to be with me. (Yeah, right! If it had been that perfect, the book would stop here.) It was far from perfect. Only four months into the relationship, Tim changed dramatically. He had gone from a very happy soul who was full of life to becoming a grumpy, ignorant bastard who shouted at my children for any little thing. At first, I stood my ground with this man and told him not to speak to me or my children that way.
Only, over time that wore me down leaving me to being a complete doormat that he walked all over. It started with him going to the pub in the next village for a few pints now and again, but then the pub visits started to become more of a routine every single day. He would stay there all evening, fall through the door around midnight after driving three miles home from the next village. He would then sit on the end of my bed and wake me up in the middle of the night just to accuse me of sleeping with every man I had come in contact with.
After two hours of verbal torture, he would then fall asleep into a beer coma next to me until morning. There were many times when I woke up in the morning wet through because Tim had wet the bed at the side of me. He would drink so much that he wouldn’t even get up to go to the bathroom, and just lay there and pissed himself instead. One evening, when I suggested that he should slow down with his drinking because I was afraid he may have a drinking problem, he launched across the room and grabbed me by the neck and pushed my back up against the wall. He started squeezing my throat tighter and tighter and I panicked, thinking he was going to kill me. Finally, he slackened his grip and I fell to the floor, gasping for breath. How the hell had we got to this in only six months?
The next morning, he was full of apologies and tears, saying he was extremely sorry and that he would never do it again. He even called me again on his lunch break from work and kept crying on the phone, begging for forgiveness. I knew the only way forward from this was to get him help: he had a drinking problem, and he had to admit it so we could move forward and get him the help he needed. Only, Tim refused help, and things got worse. I was his point of abuse every single night after that for the next six long months, and each time I was just getting weaker, losing my identity and doing everything to please him and walk around on eggshells so as not to upset him.
When he asked me to marry him, I accepted, and I started to
plan and pay for our wedding. He didn’t put a penny towards any of it and continued to spend all of his money at the bar of the village pub. One evening, around nine weeks before the wedding, Tim held me hostage in my home and locked all the doors and put the house keys in his pocket. He then continued to mentally torture me for hours, telling me that I was not good for anything, only sex, and that I was a waste of space and that my kids would be better off if I died.
I begged him to stop and started screaming at him to let me go. He opened up the back door and said, “Go on, then, get out!” As I put half of my body through the door frame, Tim swung the door on to me and slammed my right leg between the door and the frame. It was not enough for him to do it once; he had to repeat it over and over again till I fell to the floor screaming. When I managed to drag my leg back through the door frame, he slammed the door and locked it. Now I was scared for my life, and I did think for one moment he would kill me. Flashes of images in my mind of my kids growing up without me entered my mind. He continued his mental torture for what seemed like another few hours. I was still on the kitchen floor at this time and still crying as he stood over me. He then turned and left the room because he needed to use the bathroom.
As I heard him climbing the stairs, my mind went into overdrive. How the hell could I get out this house now and make a run for it? He had every key to the house in his pocket, so there was no way I could get through any door right now, so sod it! I grabbed my phone, opened the kitchen window and climbed out of it. I began running down the path and then on to the main road. My leg was in a lot of pain, so running as fast as I usually could be not an option. I heard footsteps behind me and turned my head to see Tim running after me; he soon caught up to me and tried to pry my mobile phone out of my hand. “Give me that,” he said. “You are not calling anybody.”
I managed to keep my grip on my phone, and he couldn’t pry my fingers from it. So he pulled my hair from the back of my head and grabbed a clump of it in his hand and punched me full-force in the face with his fist. I dropped to my knees, dropping the mobile phone, which smashed in three places and hit the side of the road with a thud.
I looked up at him in disbelief at what he had just done to me and how he had just treated me. He walked away from me back up the road, shouting over his shoulder, “You best find a park bench to sleep on tonight because you are not coming back in the house.” That was it! Something inside of snapped; that was my home! I had paid for the goddamn thing, and everything in that house was mine—bought and paid for by me! I pulled myself up from the roadside. I knew there was a phone box at the top of the hill. I had to make it to this phone box and report this bastard to the police.
I dragged my swollen leg to the top of the hill and balanced myself inside the phone box so I didn’t put pressure on my swollen ankle. I lifted the receiver and dialed 999. I remember a soothing female voice on the other end of the line asking me where I was and whether I was safe. She told me she was sending two officers to come and collect me. I couldn’t tell you exactly what happened after that because I must have passed out, or the shock hit me. The next thing I knew, I came around to two police officers trying to get me off the floor of the phone box cubical. The officers helped me over to the police car and sat me on the back seat and asked me what I wanted to do about this situation. I looked up at them and said, “Arrest him.” The police drove up to the side of the house and asked me to wait around the side of the house till they had Tim in handcuffs and had put him in the back of the police car. The cheeky sod had gone to bed and locked me out my own home.
The police arrested him and put him in the back of the car—he didn’t go quietly, and he made a complete scene before they took him away. As soon as the officers had him in the police car, they told me to get back into my own house and a member of their team would come and see me in the morning to take a statement.
I sat up that night and watched the sunrise. With so much on my mind, I couldn’t sleep. I had to decide if I was going to press charges for assault and have Tim charged. My first instant decision was that the wedding was off and I wouldn’t be marrying him, even though everything was almost paid and my wedding dress had been ordered. There was no way I was going to marry this man.
By the time the police officers arrived to take my statement, I had talked myself out of pressing charges. A moment of weakness? Yes, and it’s so common among victims who experience domestic violence. Here I was, right now, acting the victim and refusing to press charges because I felt guilty for doing so. I was bowing down to this animal again and allowing him to walk all over me again. However, I stuck to my guns about the decision of canceling the wedding and contacted everyone the next day to let them know the wedding was indeed off. Now I just needed to find the same strength to do the same with this relationship.
One week after I had dropped the charges, I started suffering from dizzy spells and my breathing was hard to control. I would sometimes lose my balance, too, for a few moments, and it would follow with a huge wave of tiredness and a headache that felt like a train was crashing through my head. I ignored it at first until it became obvious that I could no longer ignore it anymore. It really started to affect my life, and even doing the simplest of things (like going to the supermarket) became so hard!
I had to keep my balance by gripping the supermarket trolley handle tightly, and try and control my fast breathing. The thought of everybody staring at me in the store and judging me made things ten times worse. I started to dread public places and lose control of my breathing, which would lead to dizziness and blind spots in my eyes.
I booked an appointment with my doctor to see if I could find out what was actually going on with me and why this was happening. The morning of my appointment, I sat in the doctor’s office awaiting a diagnosis of these crazy symptoms I was experiencing. My doctor looked at me and he said, “Is there something in your life that is causing you a lot of stress right now?” I looked at him and bear face lied and said, “No.” I was hiding behind my victim mask again and pretending that everything was rosy when it clearly wasn’t. He moved forward on his chair and said it again: “Is there something in your life right now that is causing you a lot of stress?” I looked at him and lied again! “No; why?”
He took a deep breath and said, “It seems you are suffering from anxiety disorder, and this is the reason behind all your symptoms. This is usually brought on through experiencing trauma or stress. It’s the body’s way of saying it’s been too strong for too long, and now the stress needs to go before something inside shuts down completely and makes you ill. ”Again, I told a big fat lie and said nothing was causing me stress right now. Because I wouldn’t admit it, he couldn’t actually prescribe me with anything or treat me for anxiety, because I was again hiding behind my victim mask and lying to him and every person around me, including myself, pretending that my life was great.
However, taking that denial out of that office and home with me only made my symptoms worse and they controlled my life even more. I started avoiding supermarkets altogether and, instead, had my grocery shopping delivered to my front door. I wouldn’t go out of the house unless I really had to, and even then it was a complete nightmare and I would lose control of my breathing, feel dizzy and want to run home and be safe behind my own front door again, which was not even possible while still living with Tim.
The following week, I had no choice but to leave the house, due to my son being sick with the flu. I caught the bus to town to pick him up some cough medicine and pick up a few other things while I was out. I just managed to pull myself together and willed myself to catch the bus to town and get the things I needed and hurry straight back home. I walked down the road to the bus stop and waited for my bus; while waiting there, I could feel that familiar feeling rising in my chest again—that feeling of uneasy breathing followed by a bout of dizziness that had me leaning against the bus shelter while I waited for the bus. I kept saying to myself over and over again, “You have to do this.”
The bus stopped to pick me up and I boarded the bus and sat down to take my journey to the nearest town, which was six miles away. Along the journey, my breathing became hard to control and I started having huge blind spots in my eyes and couldn’t see in front of me. This added to my panic attack and made it worse. I sat there and suffered in silence while my symptoms became increasing hard to deal with. As we became closer to the town centre, I knew I had to somehow walk down the aisle of this bus without falling over because I couldn’t see clearly in front of me.
My right arm went numb, which just added to my panic more. I pulled myself up off my seat and made it to the front of the bus, and I stepped off and turned the corner. I propped myself up against the wall of a building. The numb feeling in my arm intensified and spread from the top of my shoulder to the bottom of my fingertips, followed by what felt like the intense pain of pins and needles. You know yourself when you lay too long on your arm and it goes numb, and you have a tingly feeling rushing up and down your arm and it’s painful, right? Well, imagine that times ten!
I was now seriously panicking and drawing attention to myself. Passers-by in the street asked me if I was ok. I just knew there and then that I had to make it to the hospital, which was situated 10 minutes up the road from where I was right that second. I thanked everyone for their concern and shoved my numb hand into my pocket, and then proceeded to walk towards the hospital. I reached the hospital entrance and walked through the big entrance doors to be greeted by a male nurse, who said, “Are you all right?” I was trying to reply to him, but my speech became slurred and it sounded like I was drunk. I looked at him and just as I tried again to speak to him, I nearly fell over, but he caught me and helped me to a side room and put me to a bed. My right-hand side complete give way and I fell over onto the bed; now I was panicking!
I had totally lost control of one side of my body and couldn’t move it. My breathing started getting out of control. The male nurse called help for somebody else to come into the room. Both nurses positioned me properly on the bed and started asking me to calm down; one of them put a heart monitor on my chest, and my heartbeat per minute was rising to a very dangerous level.
The nurse looked at me and said, “If you don’t calm your breathing now, you will go into cardiac arrest and we will have to rush you to the city hospital.” By this time, my heart rate was climbing up to 285 beats per minute due to the panic of losing complete control of my right-hand side.
I managed to gain control of my breathing and slowly my heart rate reduced down, although as I was calming down, my right-hand side went completely numb, all the way from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I could feel that the right-hand side of my face had dropped, too. The nurse told me I was doing great and then he asked me for my name. I proceed to talk, and then found that I couldn’t! I tried again and again, and all that came out was, “K, K, Ka…”
I gave up and the tears of frustration rolled down my face. I had lost my control of speaking, and couldn’t do what we all take for granted each and every day. This made me panic and get frustrated. The nurse placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “It’s fine; we will try again in a little while.”
I wrote down Tim’s number and handed a note to the nurse to ask him to call Tim to let him know what was happening. Tim arrived around 15 minutes later and sat beside me in the hospital room, and all I could do was bore my eyes right through him. It hit me right there and then WHY I was in this state, and I fully knew he would NEVER change, and now was the time to put myself first and leave this bastard. I made the decision there and then that whatever was happening to me right now, I was going to heal, get off this fucking bed, and throw this man out my life for good! After an hour or so, my speech came back. It was a stutter, but least I could talk again and tell the nurse everything he needed to know. I still couldn’t move my right arm and shoulder, but the feeling in my leg and toes came back, which enabled me to rest at home till I had to go back into the hospital to have tests, including a brain scan. I didn’t want to leave my kids in Tim’s care because God knows how he would have treated them. The first evening after I had left the hospital, I did feel extremely unwell, exhausted, and I knew I needed to rest.
I remember laying there propped up on around five pillows, not being able to move, just staring at the ceiling, wondering what my first action step would be to get my life back on track as soon as I could move again. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, I was awoken by somebody sitting beside me. They were sitting a bit too close—actually, they were sitting on top of me, and I had to move back a little in the bed so they could sit on the bed beside me. I opened one eye to see who had disturbed me from my sleep, only to see my grandmother sat right beside me.
Only, it didn’t look like her at the age she had died; she looked exactly like she did in her old photos when she was around my age. I smiled at her and she smiled back and I slipped back to sleep.
I was awakened a second time that evening to the sheer pain of pins and needles shooting up and down my arm again, and this time I was so weak and fed up of the pain I actually remember surrendering to death. I thought this was it, that I was dying, and there was nobody around to help me. I must have passed out and fallen back to sleep again because I was awoken a third time to a bright ball of light in front of me. It contained a group of people that I had never seen before in my life. The bright ball of light just hovered in front of my face and it started flashing different faces of different people who I had never seen before.
WAS THIS IT? WAS I PASSING OVER? WAS I DYING?
Something was happening, and I couldn’t quite understand exactly what. I know to this day I was not dreaming; I know what I saw. I made it to the next day anyway and needed two weeks’ bed rest after that day, and I also needed the help to do little things like bathing myself, go to the toilet and feed myself. I was very limited to what I could do with one side of my body completely paralyzed from the waist up. My children were little angels and helped me so much during that time, and never complained once. They even cooked dinner every night and did the household chores for me while I lay in bed, gaining my strength back. By the second week, I could get out of bed, but I couldn’t use my right-hand side very well. My speech was back to normal and I could do more for myself and not rely so much on people like I had in the beginning.
Now it was time to put that decision that I made in that hospital bed into action and throw Tim out my house. He didn’t go quietly and accused me of wanting him out my life so that I could move another man in. (Yeah, right!) In the end, I called the police and had him removed from my home. Suddenly, with him out the house, the whole atmosphere in the house completely changed. It was like me and the kids could breathe again and be ourselves; a dark cloud had started to disappear from above our heads. For three days after getting kicked out, Tim lived in his car (which I had paid for) and drank himself stupid.
Each time he got drunk, he would then drive back to my home and shout and make noise on my doorstep till I rang the police to have him removed. Do I feel guilty for making this guy homeless? Do I? Bollocks! He should have saved the money he spent on beer and checked into a hotel; at least then he would have had a bed to sleep in. Three days later, some other poor soul felt sorry for him and let him stay with them; he fed them a completely bullshit story about it all being me that had caused him harm and that I wanted him out the way because I was seeing someone else.
I started searching on the internet for a house to rent back in my hometown. It was time to go back and get my life sorted out, be closer to my friends again, and get back to the real world after being isolated for so long in the middle of nowhere. As I began searching, that little voice from inside popped up and said, “New Pasture Lane.” So I listened and Googled that street name.
There it was, right in front of my eyes: a 3-bedroom house to rent on New Pasture Lane. I rang the phone number attached to the ad and went to view the house that week. The house needed a lot of decorating, but I didn’t care right at that point. I looked past it and knew I could make it into a nice home for the children and me to live in. I handed in my notice of my country home and hired a complete removal team to pack all my stuff and move all my belongings and furniture to the new house.
Within that time, Tim had tried almost every day to contact me, but I was not interested. You know for yourself that whenever a relationship ends, whether good or bad, we still have to mourn the loss of that person because we shared a life with them. So yes, part of me did miss him, but a bigger part of me hated him and wouldn’t allow him back in my life.
I moved into my house on New Pasture Lane in August 2011 at the age of 32 years old. I was finally free to start a new life and a new beginning and focus solely on building my business and being a mum to my children. As I started unpacking, I came across the “wedding box” which contained everything that was purchased for Tim’s and my supposed wedding day. I stuffed it all into a charity bag and took it to the nearest charity shop (brand-new wedding dress included) and handed it all over the counter to the assistant. It was like cutting that last cord to freedom.
Under the very watchful eye of my doctor, with light exercise each day I got stronger, and I even started jogging lightly again. The more I ran each week, the more feeling came back in my right arm. I was beginning to become fully mobile again, and although I still couldn’t grip things properly with my right hand, I was determined to succeed and keep trying—no matter how many cups I broke in the process 🙂
The doctor told me to be careful because the results of my brain scan had shown I had a slight scar on my brain from the stroke, and this is what caused me to stutter the odd time and have a twitching eyelid. Other than that, my right-hand side was becoming stronger each day. My self-confidence, however, had been completely crushed and I was almost running empty on it. Whenever someone called the house, I would get my son to answer the phone because I feared to speak to the other person on the other end. This went as far as not even ordering a takeaway pizza! My poor son, who was 12 years old at the time, was relied on for this, too—until the day he snapped at me and said, “Why can’t you do it? I’m sick of doing it for you!”
That there was a wet fish-slap around my face! Was this what had I become? I was supposed to be this young man’s protector, yet he was telling me off and telling me to pull up my big-girl pants and be a mother. The next time the house phone rang, I picked it up, only to be greeted by a call from Tim. He lied out of his backside and told me he needed to see me give me back some official papers that had gotten mixed up in his things when I had thrown him out my house.
I slammed the phone down on him after telling him to get lost. However, this man didn’t seem to take no for an answer, and couldn’t quite accept that I didn’t want him in my life again. That same evening, as I lied in bed, I heard a noise outside; at first, I thought it may have been a neighbour, so I ignored it and went back to sleep. I woke up again and froze in my bed to see a shadow looming over me: it was Tim. He had broken into my
new home through the kitchen window and come to make sure I had no other man in my bed.
I jumped out of the bed, ran down the stairs and grabbed the phone. I dialed 999 and was just about to speak to the operator, but Tim tried to grab the phone out my hand. I struggled with him for a while to try to hustle him to the back door so I could open it and shove him out my house. I was so angry that this man had broken into my new home that was supposed to be my new haven away from this crazy man.
I punched him really hard in the right side of his head, opened my back door and threw him out of it, and then slammed it and locked the door. As I threw him out, a police car with flashing lights turned into my road. Tim saw the police car and started running down the street. One of my neighbours had actually seen him climb through my kitchen window and had called the police before I did. I went back to bed and tried my best to sleep the best I could for the rest of the evening. I had a friend’s wedding to attend the next day and I could have really not done with this right now. It was going to be hard enough to watch my friend walk down the aisle and marry the man she loved when seven days before that date, it would have been my very own wedding day.
As you can imagine, by now I didn’t think my life could get very much worse. I was having that moment again where I was thinking, “When the fuck am I going to get a break here? When will people just leave me to get on with my own life in peace, so that I can just make a success of my business and bring my children up?”
The whole experience of Tim’s and my relationship had really had a massive impact already on both my children, and it was such a relief for both of them—and for me—to finally be rid of his drama and live in peace again. After a few emotionally draining weeks, our lives started to get back on the positive
track. The children were enrolled at a local school and they had settled in nicely, plus my nanny business had a boost of new clients as it always did during the school summer holidays. This enabled me to seriously decorate my new home; so, with business doing well and a house to decorate, along with bringing two children up by myself again, my time was pretty occupied.
I was nowhere near ready to have any form of relationship and decided to stay single for a heck of a long time. The main focus now was my children, my business, decorating my home and finding myself again. I had actually forgotten how much I had missed just the three of us were by ourselves. The freedom was back, and the atmosphere was quite relaxing and free once more.
I want you to consider the word LEGACY!
What does that actually mean?
1. Law. a gift of property, especially personal property, as money, by will; a bequest.
2. Anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor:
3. An applicant to or student at a school that was attended by his or her parent.
4. Obsolete. the office, function, or commission of a legate.
Too many of us are shadowed by doubt, toxic people and people trampling on our dreams. We get told we are “not good enough” or laughed at and told, “What makes you think you could do that?”… Take no notice, it’s just fear and jealousy projecting out of people who talk like that. When really they have no balls and probably can’t remember when they last looked in the mirror because they have become experts at running away from their own shit, instead of facing it like a true person would.
Only now you have chosen a different life and don’t want to retire at 65 years old with an armchair full of moth balls, a bank account that only holds $25,-30,000 to last you the next 30 YEARS! and the only things to look forward to is either re-run of soaps or chatting shit with their friends down the pub or bingo. No! you have chosen to take steps to live the life of your dreams, travel the world met amazing people and place a massive footprint on the planet in order to leave a LEGACY!
Yesterday I decided that I was going to write a book called “Letters to Rosie” or “Dear Rosie” depending which title I choose, which will be a book of letters on different subjects written to my granddaughter Rosie (or Rose Bud as I call her) I wanted to do this for her, place it on sale to the world and if it impacts even one person then AWESOME! I will be grateful that even one person even bought it!
The book will include a lot of my teachings and what I have learned on my own journey of self-discovery, spirituality, building online businesses, writing 18 best-selling books and becoming an international coach that inspires tons of people every day. However, do you notice I never said I want to write a book to be more successful? That is because my intention is not to build my platform, or be “more famous” it’s plain and simply me leaving a legacy and if it touches other people’s lives, then that is a bonus. This should be the way you are thinking! Don’t be doing this for any other reason than to place a mark in history, to place a footprint so wide on the planet that when your next generations see what you have done, it seriously inspires them to do the same.This is about LEGACY and that my friend BEATS anything else in the whole world!
Have a wonderful Tuesday, and make this day your best one yet!
Much Love & Appreciation
Today another dream became reality for one of my previous clients.
Today Angela held in her hands the book that she had published! The masterpiece that she had taken from a blank word document to becoming a physical product that is now REAL!
Writing and producing a book is a massive journey for any author to go through!
It’s because a book is not just words on paper, it’s an emotional journey too! So many don’t cross the finishing line to holding their book in their hands because they feel they are not worthy to complete it. Or so many give up 3 chapters in and leave it another 10 years to start again.
When the book is finished and complete it still doesn’t end there because you then have to market it to your followers so they will buy it. All authors who have taken this journey with me know only too well what it really takes to create a book and make it a success, and that it involves action taking.
It also involves kicking your gremlins and the old hag in the attic (the ego) to the kerb many times over to reach your overall goal of a completed book. So, today I wanted to give a MASSIVE awesome shout out to Angela and say congratulations for making your dream become reality and leaving a footprint in the sand for the next generation to be inspired.
I am proud of you to have come this far and even more honoured that you chose me to be your teacher to make it happen. Take this day to reflect on how far you have actually come and the journey you entailed on the way. After today life will never be the same again, because now you know “how” to focus your attention on making something huge a reality!
Much love to you my darling and I wish you the most success with this book and every book you bring to life in the future.
Much love & Appreciation
P.S) If you wish to make your book a reality or would love to know “how” to get your already published book on the best-sellers list, then click here to find out more! HURRY! Places are filling up fast for 2017!
To take time’ to invest in ourselves is a gift of action to create a better reality. An investment into our futures will eventually pay off to something bigger and better that will open opportunity that we wouldn’t usually even have a chance to be opened too.
Whatever you are investing in right now, and I mean investing as in energy, time, or money into creating better skills, better education, or personal growth then I salute you. The younger you start to invest in yourself the better chance it is that you have more years of learning and mastering on how to become a better individual each and every day, which results in a better life.
I started mastering my life later on in my years and it took me until I was in my early 30’s to realise this. I had lost complete direction from a young age and didn’t exactly have fantastic role models to lead me either. In my childhood I experienced two broken homes and my mother divorced twice, the first time I didn’t really acknowledge because I was only 2 years old at the time, but the 2nd time hit me like a sledgehammer because the man I had looked up to as my father was heartbroken because his wife had cheated on him with his best friend. My heart broke with him because my safe place was now shattered into tiny pieces and I no longer had the family unit that secures a child’s overall emotional wellbeing.
The next 20 years were a loss to bad teenage ways, dropping out school, drug taking, abusive relationships. I didn’t really care where I was heading because the void of losing my father was still within me and everywhere I turned I was desperate to fill that gap. I dated many older men along my journey that ended in controlling or abusive relationships and none lasted longer than 3 years because that void within me was again not being fulfilled.
I took so much abuse from one violent relationship that it led to nearly costing me my life at the age of 32 when I developed anxiety disorder which leads to having a panic attack so bad that my body couldn’t cope and resulted in me collapsing and having a stroke. I lost all feeling in the right-hand side of my body from my head to my toes and couldn’t speak.
Even though my speech and feeling in my legs came back the same day the feeling in my right arm and shoulder didn’t. I was paralysed for 3 months afterwards and couldn’t even dress myself without the aid of my children helping me. Suddenly all little jobs like even opening a jar of jam were suddenly taken away from me and left me extremely frustrated to unable to do these little things for myself.
I had always been an over achiever in my work and built many businesses and worked my way to the top of the corporate ladder. So you can imagine feeling this defeated and not being able to do much for myself was really deflating for my confidence.
I completely lost all self-confidence quickly and my entire being had been replaced with an empty shell that didn’t even have enough confidence to pick up the phone to order a takeaway pizza. The reality of how low my self-confidence was to the point I didn’t want to speak to people on the telephone and would have my son do it for me. However, the reality of how my confidence was really hit me the day my son, who was 12 years old at the time, said to me: “I am sick of answering the phone for you”.
He threw the phone onto the sofa and walked out the room full of frustration.
BOOM! There it was! I had hit rock bottom!
After the blow of reality from my son of making me aware of how low my self-confidence had become, my life then delivered me more pain in the form of my daughter experiencing rape at the age of only 14 years old. This seriously placed me on the edge of despair.
So I sat at the end of my bed one evening and cried for a long time, not knowing where to turn or what to do! Then, something inside of me said, “Stand up and unpack the box next to you”. So I did and started to unpack the box, which I had not unpacked yet from moving house 4 weeks earlier. At the bottom of the box I discovered a book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne which had belonged to my ex-partner and my first reaction was to throw it out, but then something stopped me.
I opened the book and started reading it. I became totally engrossed in the book and discovered that a film had been made from this book.
To cut a long story short, that book led me to every one of my life coaches and mentors today. So I went from being a complete mess with no idea how I would get through the next day, to becoming a 15 x Best Selling Author, coach, and building an International publishing company in ONLY 3 YEARS!
Now don’t get me wrong my journey to success was not easy and I have experienced a whole lot of failure, frustrations and hard lessons on my journey to success. Would I change any of it? NO! Because it gives me the experience to stand here and teach other people “How” to succeed, and “How” to shine and tell you that all the knowledge that I invested in myself along my journey was so worth it.
I educated myself in WordPress website development skills, online marketing, became certified in sales, and a whole other host of things that I knew I needed to run a successful online business. The world of business was speeding up is now ruled through social media. So in order for me to tap into that market, I had to learn how to sell through my electronic device to make others buy through theirs.
I invested thousands and thousands of dollars into mentors to learn how to make it happen and spent hours doing what others didn’t have the time for. The more I learnt the more money I made and the more people I served on a worldwide basis. My results were starting to show from all the skills I was learning and so:
During the past 3 years I have received the honour of:
Becoming a #1 International Best Selling Author, twice!
• Co-Authoring another 14 Best Selling Books
• Smashing the Amazon.com best-seller charts in THREE categories in ONLY 12 HOURS of launching her 1st sole written book! And AGAIN with her 2nd solo book!
• Creator of an International Best-Selling Book Series: The Missing Piece
• Creating over 115 international best-selling authors in ONLY 2 years!
• Coached many TV personalities and published the books of award-winning Hollywood film directors
• Started a podcast which has now being listened to over 69,000 times!
• Travel across the world to host masterminds & retreats
• Become a sponsor of the upcoming film “Leap”
• Successfully launched and sold out the very first Missing Piece Calendar Girl Retreat in ONLY 48 hours!
• Built a worldwide support campaign for domestic violence survivors
• Help changed the lives of thousands of people.
I became an ambassador of a New York university and started writing articles which empowered over 28,000 people per day and reached the United Nations. Suddenly my words MATTERED! My thoughts touched and inspired the lives of students from the next generation. Not just that, but the people on the board of this university are the panel of judges that award The Nobel Peace Prize.
And I did this all through the power of taking the time to invest in me!
So it’s like I always say: Somebody can hurt you, steal from you, betray you, push you down, abuse you, call you names and hurt you, BUT! Knowledge is power and it strikes back by helping you lead with influence.
The knowledge you learn along this journey called life is yours to keep forever. Nobody can take away your skills that you have mastered in the time you have lived on this planet. The skills you master are the skills that will stay with you forever and it’s yours to keep always! Plus, I wanted to leave this article on an inspirational note and make you see that if I can do this then SO CAN YOU!
Now I prepare to take on my biggest goal yet! Touching 1 million lives in the next 2 years with an online interactive powerful self-discovery magazine. I have brought together some AMAZING world renowned coaches, professionals, teachers and mentors to come forward and help fetch this magazine to life.
Will I reach my goal? You bet your boots I will!
Let me end here with saying that if there is only one thing you take away from this blog today, then take this; don’t leave it as long as I did to get started on your journey to building your own reality. The younger you start to invest in your skills the quicker a master of your own reality you will become.
You only have one life, make it count!
Much Love and Success
If you don’t know the reason behind why you provide the service you do, then let me tell you something you are doomed before you even begin.
It must be a HUGE reason that makes you get out of bed every day and and carry on living out your dreams. There needs to be a why? Without a why there is no drive, no passion, no high energy within your work. You will not place your “all in” into it and the moment times get tough you will quit.
That is why your why? Needs to be a strong one. You need to be able to take people back to the exact experience that drove you to where you are now. You need to be able to tell the story of how it began, why it began, the journey up to now and why it still burns your coals deep down inside today.
By not having a why behind your mission this leaves you looking like you are just chasing one thing, and that one thing is just success. Nobody wants to do business with somebody who only wants a one time customer and couldn’t care less about the human being themselves. It is up to you to get clear on your why and understand that people will constantly ask you this question on your journey. They will come out with questions like;
What is it that you do?
Why do you do what you do?
What is your mission behind what you do?
Is there a reason why you started out doing this in the first place?
These questions will never go away and will always be asked by either clients, people who interview you, or by the genral public who follow you. So you have to be ready to answer them, which means you need to be ultra clear your self on the answer. The last thing you want to be doing is answering with “Mmmmmm cos I love doing what I do” .. Because that sounds completely rubbish and makes you look like a complete amateur.
When I started out in my online journey I started out with a campaign page on Facebook. This page was to support and help people who had experienced domestic violence and rape. Due to my own victim to victor story, and my daughters rape at the age of 14 years old I had got to a place where I was mega PISSED with people taking away people’s personal power. I remember the day like it was just yesterday when I was sat in the waiting room of the rape centre while my daughter was getting interviewed by the police (for what seemed the 1,000th time before her trial).
I looked out of the window of the waiting room to see a women getting escorted to an unmarked police car. She had just come out of the 2nd interview room. Her eyes were looking directly on floor and her head was bowed like she was feeling ashamed about what had happened to her. As she stood near the car waiting for the police officer to escort her home safely she kept twisting and turning a handkercheif in her hand, only she was twisting it so hard you could see by the look on her face she was causing herself pain to take her mind off what she had just re-lived in the interview room.
At that moment my attention was disturbed by my daughter stepping back in the waiting room. I looked over to my daughter and as I was about to hug her until I noticed that she had the same look on her face as the women stood outside. She was hunched over staring at the floor with that same look of shame on her face. In that split second I looked back through the window at the women and then back at my daughter.
That was the day that something inside of me snapped! I said “Fuck this!”
Something needs to be done about this and to help people drop that shame feeling, gain back their confidence and live free. That day I set up a page on Facebook called The Freedom & Empowerment Campaign. This campaign evolved into The Missing Piece within 3 short years. The platform to allow people to be heard grew stronger and more people took notice the bigger it became.
If you had told me over 3 years ago that I would be the one to help over 120 people become international best-selling authors, coach TV personalities from all across the world, publishing the books of awarding winning Hollywood film directors, teach others how to earn money on books in 90 days before they are published, and be the creator of a international best-selling book series, I would have laughed at you and thought you were talking crazy!!..But it’s true!
Why is true? Because my why never changed and it’s still the reason I get out of bed in a morning today. It’s exactly the reason you are reading this blog now. The one person I direct my content, blogs, podcasts, books, posts on social media to is that women stood by that car 4 years ago. That plus the love of a mother for her child is what keeps the coals burning deep down inside my gut every single day. It’s my why!
What shocked me the most is that I was not prepared for what my why was about to bring to the world. Just by talking to the women stood by the umarked police car, day in, day out, grew something so huge! It provided over 120 worldwide a voice of their own. A best-selling book of their own and everyday it still get bigger and still change lives.
So, now that you know what my why is I want you to start getting clear on yours! It will make a huge difference between where you are now and where you want to go. If you have a feeling deep down inside of you that you are here for a bigger reason, then you have a huge purpose to fill.
Which means you need to start to get clear on your why? Because it will be the why that will get you through your journey. It will be the why that will get you through the times you want to give up, the times you are pulling your hair out, and the times when people hurt you, stab you in the back, or try to drag you down.
So you need to be clear why you are doing what you are doing.
So, the two questions of the day are:
Why do you do what you do? And What is your why behind it?
I will leave you to think on them,
Have a great weekend,
Until next time,
Here’s to your success
Finding our true purpose for our human existence is quite a journey. The things you have to do along that journey can really awaken your soul and help you move forward to aligning with your true higher self, which then puts you in line with your true source of creation. One of the first stages to this higher self is forgiveness. We first have to forgive those from our past, no matter how much they hurt us and no matter how much they destroyed our lives at the time. We live in an orderly universe where things are designed to happen; your life experiences—the things that have happened to you—were designed to happen to you in order to make you who you are today.
Remember, you were not the one with the problem, and you are about to change your life for the BETTER. In contrast, those who have hurt you in the past will most likely still be stuck in a rut and never move forward. It is up to you to forgive all of those who have hurt you in the past, and the best way to do this is by writing them a letter. This does not mean that you have to actually send this letter to this person, but you do have to write it.
This is why I decided that I am going to open up the only Missing Piece book of 2016 and the book is going to be based on writing letters of forgiveness. these letters can be written to either our past selves, or to people in our past who have hurt us along the journey.
Just by forgiving negative people from your current or past reality will eliminate the negative feelings that you have carried around for years against those who have hurt you. It will set you free and you will feel like a ton weight has been lifted from your shoulders, allowing you to move forward from all that is keeping you trapped in victim mode. When I wrote all of my forgiveness letters on my journey, I will admit to you that I did feel crap at the time of writing the letters. I also did feel very emotional. However, by the end of the day, an overwhelming calm effect came over me and I felt so much more at ease with myself. I also noticed that I was so much more relaxed about talking about my past experiences, too; this is because I have now forgiven these people and moved on.
Myself and my daughter even forgive her rapist, which in return it give my daughter her life back and it woke me up to understand why people do the things they do in this world. It was a very moving and healing time for both of us and I want to bring this forward into a Missing Piece book this year.
I am going to open only 15 places up for this book and provide an opportunity for 15 amazing people to shine their light upon the world by sharing their letters of forgiveness to the world. You will be invited to share up to 3,000 words max in the chapters and will recieve the graphics, letter template and marketing for launch day, plus I am throwing in 2 x FREE coaching sessions with it.
I will be providing a 1 on 1 session to go through the writing of your letter and then a group coaching call with the entire group after the manuscript is completed. In these sessions people can share how writing for this book had a impact upon them, what breakthroughs they had, and how it helped them heal.
What forgiveness does for your mind, body, and spirit is priceless.
Especially self forgiveness and writing to our past selves to release all the anger we have towards the crap choices we made at some stage in our lives. Writing that letter to your past self and placing it out to the world will be a HUGE step forward in your own personal development as well as helping somebody elses journey.
If you feel you are the person to inspire others and want to take this journey of healing, inspiration and service to humanity with me then don’t hesitate to reach out to me before the project page even goes public in the next 2 weeks. After these 15 places are gone I WILL NOT be publishing books within the Missing Piece book series again this year. I have many different solo books to write, a pile of project invitations that I need to look through, and a 2nd company to build, so this is an opportunity not to be miss this chance to work up close and personal with me.
If you are a freaking awesome action taker and don’t want to wait another second! then you can secure your place right here. This will set in stone and guarantee your place in the book and me as your coach on this wonderful and amazing journey. To be able to share this with the world and you is truly wonderful, because we all know the journey to healing all starts with forgiveness.
Have a beautiful weekend,
Kate Gardner is a #1 International Best-Selling Author, Podcast Host & Creator of The Missing Piece book series.
As coach Kate helps raise her client’s self-esteem and self-confidence through providing tools to help them gain highly targeted traffic to their website and earn money by advertising their business online. Kate has had the honour and pleasure of consulting TV personalities and award winning Hollywood film directors.
Kate is also the creator of the International Best Selling Book Series “The Missing Piece” which provides a platform for authors, and online business owners to grow their network; with every intention of making them a best-selling author.
Yesterday morning while I was sat having breakfast I considered all the people who have come to me over the past 3 years wanting to write a book but had never followed it through. Now trust me in them 3 years I have heard every excuse in the book! These people always allowed things to get in the way or they would never turn up for the Skype meetings I arranged with them and I would hear from them over a week later full of apologies for not turning up for the call.
All this time wasting and excuse making is based on fear of moving forward with the project and not having a better understanding of why this is happening in your life. It’s all fear based and it contains a whole other bundle of fears that stop you from even starting in the first place. What is really needed is a book club designed to hit them fears and get passed them, plus the assistance of great tools provided to help break what seems like a mountain to climb.
I pulled out my big note pad and jotted down every fear that came from writing your own book. I also wrote down the emotion this is all connected to, how to plan your book, create it, produce it, market it to become a best seller on Amazon, and how to move these authors from zero to a full edited manuscript that is completed by them.
There is far too many people in this world with books inside of them and nothing is happening to make it come into the world because we need to go back to what is really stopping them in the first place. Which is getting over fears, finding a great teacher to give them direction, and keeping them accountable for it. A book is not an easy thing that you can pull of your ass one day! It takes a lot of work and is a huge emotional rollercoaster …Ask anyone who has wrote one they will tell you.
I went over to my tribe at The Missing Piece Community
I told them about the idea that I had that morning and the break down of what really needs targeting behind making a book real to the point where they are holding it in their hands and launching it. So many people in my tribe seriously LOVED it! To some it was like a breath of fresh air to hear that somebody actually will help them start to finish of how to complete a book and keep them accountable for it. They could finally have someone teach them how to get over the funky stuff to begin with.
So, I said give me some time to go way and plan this, and break it down of how I am going to teach it. This way I am clear of exactly what to pin point and how to really hit the target on everything with these authors. It’s possible to break all this down into biscuit form within 6 weeks which will help the author go away and have a same rountine they can duplicate over and over again.
I LOVE to provide tools that give people SKILLS to be able to duplicate over and over again. I will teach these people how I wrote 2 solo books in 5 months, launched them, and made them international best-sellers! It’s possible! I am living proof!
My first book The Missing Piece in Online Business smashed the Amazon best-seller charts in 3 catergories and was a #1 hot release too. That was the first solo book that I had actually wrote, and it was a wonderful outcome. so wonderful I just duplicated what I did with the first and released a 2nd only months later. Again samething happened and that one was a best seller over night too.
I have co-authored many books in my time (15 books altogether) but boy! I can tell you! Writing my own solo books was SOME journey emotionally and mentally! And I had to face a whole load of other shiz to begin with! Like getting over myself! learning how to deal with my bitch in the attic (ego) and then placing strict set of rules into my life in order to write most days to get it completed.
So I hear you! That is why I want this process to STOP! I want people to get their books out to this world! I want to see your smiling face as you hold your dream in your hand, and I want you to go on and do amazing things like the other 120 authors in this world that I have helped do the same thing.
I know the only way forward from helping this happen is helping you get past that first hurdle and then handing you the duplication tools to make it happen. So on that note I will take time over the next few weeks to decide how I want to get this started and help you move forward to stop making excuses, keep you accountable and help you complete something you have always dreamed of doing.
I will keep you posted on my plans over the next few weeks.
Here’s to your success,
When you are here for a bigger reason, such as a reason to serve humanity on a huge basis, you have a deep feeling inside which is more like a knowing or certainty. It’s a calling that you would have felt from the early ages of childhood. You know you are here for a bigger reason, but what is that reason?
This is a feeling that will stay with you until you become clear of your purpose on this planet. I started recognising this feeling from a very young age, and I knew that something beyond me and more powerful than I could imagine was guiding me. However, the confusion that goes with this journey of finding out your purpose is enough to make you feel like you have been put through a spin dryer at full-throttle for a year!
To fully learn who you are and what your purpose is, you will have to go on one heck of a bitch of a journey first. Then you can find out the reason behind your human existence. I am not talking just about stressful events; I am talking about major traumatic events that have happened or have even been repeated many times throughout your life. Experiencing abuse, death of loved ones, heartbreak, and the pain brought from toxic people who drag you down or back-stab you along the way all creates emotional trauma.
Most likely—if you are anything like me—you will have felt like you were an odd-ball while growing up and never really fit into any crowd. You felt like a square peg in a round hole, and thought school was a pain in the arse and a waste of time, or you dropped out at an early age and never went back, but still that deep feeling of knowing you are here for a deeper, meaningful reason kept you alive and breathing every single day. Of course there is a stage in this painful heart breaking journey that you will have felt so low to the point you wanting to end it all, and you will have asked yourself at some stage “Who would miss me if I am gone?” The day I attempted suicide I was only 24 years old. Let me take you on that journey and tell you the reasons behind it all.
When I was 19 years old and my daughter, Emily, was 6 months old, I was having a drink with my sister at the local pub when I met a man called John. This was the beginning of another life-changing journey for me. John and I went on a few dates and we began a relationship, which was rather rushed; before we knew it, we were living together. We had been together only four months when I found out I was pregnant again. This time, I was carrying a boy! I was so delighted because boys were very rare in my family. So this was a dream come true to have a girl and a boy of my own.
In the early hours of the morning of February 24th, 1999, my son, Jordan Robinson, came into the world. He was beautiful, and had blond hair and chubby cheeks. He was a lot bigger than his sister was when she was born, and weighed in at 8 lbs 5 oz. I now had two children, and it was extremely hard work, especially with Jordan, who cried constantly—all day and all night. I think I walked around like a zombie for the first year of his life, surviving on hardly any sleep.
That, along with moving into our new home, was enough to drive even the sanest person to the edge of a breakdown. It put a huge strain on mine and John’s relationship, and we broke up. Although our relationship ended, we still remained great friends. We had made a promise that no matter what happened, we would do right by the children and support each other as parents, so that Emily and Jordan had the best childhood that they deserved.
John brought Emily up as his own daughter, and she chose to call him Dad from a very young age. We always told Emily the truth, so that she knew her real father was out there (somewhere). At the age of 13, Emily asked if she could take John’s surname as her own, because as far as she was concerned, he was her dad. So we changed Emily’s surname to Robinson.
John has given both my children an amazing life. They have travelled all over the world with him, and he did an amazing job throughout their childhood as their father. For that, I will forever respect him. He has also been an excellent friend to me over the years, too. So here I was, after John and I parted, a single mother with two small children. What was I going to do with my life?
I yearned to do more with my life. I had worked several jobs before the births of my children. I had worked in pubs, worked in café’s as a waitress, and also had many cleaning jobs along the way. Now I wanted something a bit more secure and full time so that I could give my children the secure life they needed. I had never been a person for claiming unemployment benefits, and had always had a job from the age of 15. That is when I found an advert in the local paper which was advertising for staff at a local food factory.
I rang the agency staff and asked for more details about the job. The job was working morning shifts from 6a.m. to 2p.m. Monday through Friday. At first, I thought it would not be possible with me having two small children and living on my own. I had nobody to help me out with child care. Plus, I knew there was no child care available that early in the mornings. I told the agency I would try to see if I could sort something out with my child care first, and then I would get back to them. Luckily, a friend stepped in, and said he would come and stay with me for a while and help me out by caring for the children for a couple of hours in the mornings before Sandra, the child-minder, picked the children up. So I rang the agency back up and they arranged a start date.
The next morning, my alarm went off at 5a.m. My god, what a shock to have to wake up at that early! I managed to drag myself out of bed and sneak around the house and out the front door, so as not to wake my friend and the children. I caught the bus at the end of my street and made my journey to my new workplace. The factory was based about four miles away from my home. I got off the bus at my stop and walked through the factory doors. I had never worked in a factory environment before, so this was all new to me. The supervisor greeted me and showed me around the factory floor, and I was given a basic guide of what my job would be. Over the next couple of months, I fitted in quite well. During that time, I worked my butt off on my shifts. It didn’t go unnoticed, because one day, the operations director—who I will called Adam in this book—called me into his office to let me know he was promoting me for all of the hard work I had done over the recent months.
I thanked Adam and told him that unfortunately, due to not having a permanent child-care solution, and due to the unsociable hours I was working, I may have to leave the job. He was very understanding and offered to change my shift so that I could iron out my child-care issues. He seemed to be a lovely, kind person, and it was very decent of him to be willing to help me out so that I could keep my job.
My new shift pattern at the factory changed to 2pm-10pm. Which helped so much for me because I was home to get my children up in the mornings, and it was also good for my friend because he could move back home to his life after helping me out for so long. It was a relief to have my house back to myself and gain back some control over my life. I found a great babysitter called Michelle, who worked with Sandra to make it possible for me to work through the evenings. Plus, I had the added bonus of the night shift paying more money; that, along with the promotion I had just been given, really improved my income. Unfortunately, it didn’t help the trouble that I had gotten into with my rent previously. I asked my letting agent if they would come to some agreement with me and let me pay the rent arrears over a certain period of time, but they were not having any of it. They applied to the courts to have me and my children thrown out of my house.
I was served with an eviction notice and had two weeks to find somewhere else to live. I was completely devastated; it was like all of my hard work at making an honest living had been for nothing. I rang my manager, Adam, and told him about the state that my life was in, and I apologized for placing all my crap on him, especially when he had helped me to move my shifts around and had promoted me. He said it was not a problem and that the most important thing right now was that I sorted out a solution to my problem. Adam wrote a character reference for me and, armed with my reference, I called the local housing authority to let them know my situation.
They sent out an agent to my house and I told them about my situation and handed them my reference. It was a stroke of luck when the agent told me they had a 2-bedroom almost new property that I would be able to have access to in around 10 days’ time. Oh my god! I could have kissed the agent right there and then! There I was, having traumatic visions of needing to go back and live with my mother until I found somewhere else to live—the thought made me break out in hives. Thank god for the help from Adam, and thank god from the help of the housing authority.
I telephoned Adam straight back to tell him the great news, and I give him a massive thank you. I also told him I would be back at work that following day. I was extremely appreciative for what he had done for me and my children, and I never really thought much more of it—because after all, he was my boss, right?
Adam was married, he was 22 years older than me, and he was my boss. This was not the great recipe for a relationship. In fact, it was material for a complete disaster material. However, I was vulnerable and he had just given me security, and I felt like I was in debt to him for all he had done for me.
He was a very powerful man and had that grace about him. I think that powerful presence just pulled me in and hypnotized me completely. When Adam walked into a room, I would be a bundle of nerves and I wouldn’t know where to look. I would do everything not to look at him in the face because what I was feeling was so wrong! Especially with him being a married man, and even more so because he was my boss. Due to my recent promotion to hygienist, my job description enabled me to work around him a lot more, which included going into places that no other members of staff could have access to. The factory offices were surrounded by glass windows, so you could see right through into the reception office, and Adam’s office, too.
I could feel his eyes burning into me while I was doing my rounds. He would also stop me in the corridor and ask me how my day was, and I would just blush to the extreme. Whatever was starting to happen was hard to keep away from because the attraction was too powerful. Now, my intention was never to have an affair with a married man, especially because of the pain and destruction that I had experienced in my own childhood. Watching the pain that had sliced through my step father when he found out about my mother’s affair had haunted me for life. I knew firsthand what an affair could do to a marriage. So under no circumstances could I ever have an affair with this man!
That evening, I went home to find a huge bunch of flowers had been delivered for me. The card read “Thank You”. At first, I actually thought they were from my sister because I had helped her through a difficult time recently. Then my phone lit up with a text message that said “Do you like your flowers?” I was more confused now because this was not my sister’s mobile number. I replied with, “Yes thank you, who is this?” The reply came back as “Adam x”.
My heart jumped up in my throat and started beating fast. Then my phone beeped again with a second text message: “Would you like me to come round this evening, so you can thank me in person?” I then started having a two-way argument with myself. My god, Kate… say no! Say NO!!! …This is NOT a right thing to do! He is your boss and he is married. The other side of me loved the attention and he just had a power over me that nobody else had before. Unfortunately, weakness and lust took over. Adam arrived at my door 30 minutes later with an expensive bottle of wine under his arm, and he was looking extremely attractive in his expensive shirt and tie. This man was dressed top-to-toe in Armani, and he smelt great, too. I was getting weaker by the second, and then he leaned over and kissed me.
The chemistry was explosive and like nothing I had ever felt before in my life till now, and even though it was so wrong, it felt so amazingly right. He left my house early the next morning to go to work. After seeing him off, I closed the front door and the dread burned deep inside. What have I done? I have slept with my boss!
How the hell am I going to be able to act normal at work today?
In hindsight, I should really have stopped the affair right there and then, but hindsight is only a useful thing when you have learnt by your mistakes, right? The affair between Adam and I carried on for two and a half years. During that time, we managed to keep a lid on it within the company. People had their suspicions and would give the odd sly comments about me sleeping with the boss, because why else would I be promoted another three times in under two years?
While I admit wholeheartedly that I was sleeping with the operations director, when it came to my promotions, it was actually the managing director of the company who promoted me. He realized how hard-working I was and noticed how I would do all the hours over time that was available. I stepped in to work weekends when nobody else did. I didn’t see the point of me staying at home by myself when the children were with John during the weekends. I saw it has a great chance to earn more money and to also put that extra effort in so I could be promoted again.
The factory moved to a bigger site across the road and they started producing food products for Bird’s Eye, which is one of the biggest frozen food chains in the UK. Rob, who was the owner of the factory, promoted me to be his quality control manager for the Bird’s Eye products. This was a huge million-pound-a-year contract, and it was now my job to make sure this product was produced and went out at a high standard on all three shifts. This is where my career started to become majorly successful and my personal life started to stink. The job was highly demanding and even though I was on a great pay, I was never home to spend it! My hours of work increased drastically and I was working 16- to 18-hour shifts a day. My life became the factory—and so did my love life, too; let’s just say paperwork was not the only thing that laid across Adam’s desk in the evenings!
I became too consumed with my job and my affair with my boss. The only way I could describe my relationship with Adam is that it was not love, it was past that, and I had seriously become infatuated with the man. It was unbearable for me to be away from him for more than five minutes. For two and a half years, to the outside world, I looked like I was single. I went to parties alone, I went home alone every evening to an empty bed, I went out alone on the weekends with friends, and while the rest of my friends were in relationships and had their partners by their side, mine sat at home with his wife.
Adam’s attitude to me suddenly became distant, and he would make cruel insults to me in front of work colleagues at work. I couldn’t quite understand what his problem was. When I confronted him about it, he just shrugged it off and told me that I couldn’t take a joke. However, it was no joke, and his attitude towards me started to stink. One day, while I was in the office working on some new worksheets for the factory staff, I noticed he had left his mobile phone on his desk. Usually, I wouldn’t have invaded anybody’s privacy or looked at anyone’s mobile phone, but I have always been highly sensitive to energies.
A woman’s voice came from out of nowhere and whispered in my ear, “Look at his phone.” I instantly did as the voice told me, and opened up his messages to find out that I was not the only woman in Adam’s life other than his wife. In fact, there were many text conversations going on with many different numbers. I felt sick. I dropped the phone back on his desk and walked out of the office feeling like somebody had punched me right in the stomach. I ran back to the quality control office with my head in a spin and couldn’t quite get to grips what I had just read. My office door opened to one of the line supervisors asking me to come into the factory to check off a line of products so that they could start to pack them. I nodded and said I would be right there. With my mind still reeling for what I had just found out, I stepped into my wellies and pulled on my hair net and overalls, and then proceeded to walk into the high-risk area of the factory.
Just as I was walking up to the packing area, I slipped on a piece of food debris that laid on the floor. I fell to the floor with a hard bump and lay on the cold factory floor with a sharp pain right across my stomach. The factory staff ran over to my aid to see if I was ok and pull me off the floor. Due to the pain across my stomach, I was in agony, and I could feel that I had started bleeding. I went back to the office and rang John, who had the children at the time, and told him what had happened. I asked him to drive me to the doctor’s, because I was certain something was very wrong. When I arrived at the doctor’s, I explained what had happened. He then examined me, but couldn’t give me a full answer there and then. He said I would have to go to the hospital the next morning and have internal examinations to find out what the issue was.
I rang work and told Rob that I would need some time off work due to the accident I had had at work; he was completely fine with it. The next morning, I went to the hospital and had my internal tests done. Laying on the bed staring at the ceiling for what seemed like hours while doctors gave me an internal examination was not my idea of fun. The doctor then looked up at me and he said, “Miss Gardner, did you know you were pregnant?” I looked at him, shocked, and said, “No, I didn’t.”
I lay back on the bed while still listening to him. “Yes, it seems that you may have miscarried a fetus of around four weeks.” He then continued to tell me that I would have to go through a procedure to have the rest of the baby removed and they would also take a sample of cells from around my cervix to find out whether it was the fall that made me miscarry, or whether it was something else.
I was sent home that evening and couldn’t quite believe how my past 24 hours had turned out. I needed time out to consider my future and what, exactly, I was going to do about my job. I took two weeks off work to recover and to get my head around what had just happened to me. Just over a week later, I received a phone call from my doctor asking me to come into the surgery because she had my test results back. So I went down that day and sat in the waiting room, nervous to find out what had been the cause of my miscarriage.
The receptionist looked up from her desk and said “You can go in now, Miss Gardner.” I pulled myself up off the chair and walked down the white corridor to my doctor’s office. I knocked on the door and waited for her to reply, and then walked into her room. My doctor asked me to sit down and opened my file up to check the notes from the test result. Her face didn’t look good at all, which scared me even more.
“When was your last smear test?” asked my doctor. I looked at her puzzled and replied, “Around three years ago; why?”
“Your results show that you have cancerous cells, and we need to arrange you to have an emergency procedure to remove your cervix soon as possible.” I looked at her and said, “How serious is it?”
“We need to book you in now and have the procedure this week.” This was just getting worse by the minute. I had come here to find out how I had lost a baby that I had never known I was carrying, not to be told that I had cervical cancer, too, and that I would need to have emergency surgery that week to have my cervix removed. I went home that evening, devastated that my life had become so crap all of a sudden. I sat on the sofa and cried my heart out all evening.
What was I going to do? The man I loved had ripped out my heart and led me up the garden path for years. I had just found out I had cancer, but had no clue of how bad it was. All I knew was that I couldn’t carry on like this. Something had to give, and I really had to decide whether I was going to leave the job I loved and start a new life without Adam in it.
The next morning, when my child-minder picked up Jordan from my house, she told me that she was retiring from child care. Sandra was a lady in her 60’s, and she had found out recently that she had angina, which had forced her to consider taking an early retirement to put her health first.
A light bulb went on in my head: and right there and then, I knew exactly where my future was leading. I immediately made the decision to start my very first child-care business. I had zero clue how I was going to make it happen; I just knew it was the right thing to do. It was also something to focus on till my operation that was happening that week. My sister came along with me for moral support on the morning of my operation.
The doctors removed my cervix and also burnt away the surrounding edges to make sure that they had caught every last cell so that the cancer couldn’t spread any further. The doctor then advised me that I wouldn’t be able to have sex for 4 to 6 weeks afterwards. I looked at him and said, “I have no problem with that.” He smiled back at me and told me he would have my test results in the next six weeks to let me know whether they had caught every last cancerous cell.
Afterwards, I went home and went straight to bed, feeling sore and emotionally drained from everything that had just happened. I woke up the next morning feeling the most depressed I had ever felt in my life. I felt like I was in a deep, dark hole, and I couldn’t shake the feeling off. Over the next couple of days, it just got worse. I stopped eating altogether and couldn’t stop crying all the time.
I rang John and asked him to take the kids out for a couple of hours while I could get my head straight and start to write my letter of resignation to the factory. He agreed and picked the kids up an hour later. As he and the children left the house, I locked the door behind me and went to the kitchen. I opened the kitchen draw and pulled a knife out. I held the knife up to my wrist and started cutting through the flesh of my wrist. Just as I sliced through the top of my wrist, I heard a banging behind me, and then a smashing sound. It was John breaking through the kitchen window to stop me. He had come back because he had forgotten the children’s gloves, and noticed that the front door was locked, so he went around the back of the house and found me in the kitchen about to slit my wrists.
John broke through the window and shouted at me, “KATE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?”
I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. I broke down and cried in his arms and said I just had enough of life. The reality was that I was suffering from depression. The doctor prescribed me a course of anti-depressants for six weeks and told me that if I didn’t improve, then he would have to increase my dosage and book me in for sessions with a psychologist. I also knew that if I didn’t improve, my children would have to go live with John until I got better.
I made a decision there and then that I would beat this. I would resign from the factory and get Adam out my life for
good. I left my letter of resignation on Adams’s desk and told all of my work colleagues that I was leaving the factory. So many were shocked and didn’t want me to leave, but it was for the best—plus, to keep my sanity, I needed to be away from Adam.
While working my last two weeks, Adam made my life hell at work. He gave me all the worse jobs anyone could have. He blackmailed me and told me that he wouldn’t give me a great reference unless I did the crappy jobs, and I needed a great reference from him if I was applying to work in child care. (So if any of you who worked with me at the time are reading this and wondered why your quality control supervisor was cleaning toilets in her last working days at the factory, well, now you know why.)
I took the glowing reference out of his hand on my final day at work and walked away from the factory for good. This was the start of a new journey, and it was the beginning of my life as an entrepreneur. I was absolutely petrified and had no knowledge of how I was going to set up my business. I was 24 years old, I had passion in my heart and the fire in my belly—plus the determination—to make it happen.
I hope by sharing my story today that I help touch at least one person’s life with this and help somebody realise that we can be easily lead or manipulate in love, and not realise if we know know difference. when I watch the TED Talk of Monica Lewinsky I totally felt for her and could understand every emotion that lady went through, however hers was maginfied a hundred thousand times by her private life becoming world-wide knowledge.
You can watch her speech right here:
I want to thank you so much for taking time to read this today, and hope it gets everyone a better understanding of how experiences in our lives can make us feel so low we wish to end it all.
Until next time
I caught myself just in the split second and realised what I was doing….I realised I was laughing.
Now something you think is so simple like having fun, laughing, joking, and having a crazy sense of humour seems quite strange for you to think I had forgotten how to do that, right? Well the truth is I had forgotten how to have fun, so much so that I actually shocked myself in that moment reconising myself laughing.
(Please note UK spellings are used in all my blog posts)
It suddenly hit me that my work had consumed the person I use to be and I had lost my fun factor in my life. I was successful in the online industry I had built the international publishing company, become a #1 international best selling author twice, co-authored 14 other best selling books, created a 13 best selling book series called The Missing Piece books, grew a team around me, started publishing books of TV personalities and Hollywood film directors, helped over 115 people become best selling authors in under 2 years, flew accross the world to host events, plus built the 6 figure empire…. BUT at a massive COST because it had cost me the fun in my life.
Trust me there is not many online biz owners out there that will tell you the up front no bullshit TRUTH! Well I am one of them that WILL tell you the TRUTH! The reason I share everything within my life and experiences is because I want to save you the pain of finding out the hard way.
So, there I was in that tiny moment noticing myself laughing, and realising that I had lost the fun factor in my life. I had turned into a work obsessed CEO strapped to my desk 14-18 hours a day, running a team, running many many huge projects of around 200 people per time. While everything else around me was falling apart and I had turned into a machine that as soon as she woke up at 4:30am had a iPhone super glued to her palm from sunrise to well after sunset.
I spent hardly no time with my kids and always had the same thing to tell my spouse each weekend “Sorry love I can’t do anything this weekend I have deadlines for this project”.. Basically in English that really would mean “Sorry darling I have become so work obsessed that I have to work to feel important”.
This may surprise you to read this and you may think to yourself “I would never let myself get that bad”..Well I have news for you! Most business owners do! We can get so engrossed and caught up in the business that we forget everything else around us. It’s only when we push it two hard we are sent a warning sign, now this warning sign could be a accident, illness, or something that puts us out of action and makes us rest to see if we have learn’t the lesson. Unfortunatley a lot of us take a few accidents and major illnesses before we start to see the reality of the situation.
Over the course of 2 years I had already fallen down a pot hole in the road and busted my knee and ankle legligaments, had many chest infections, many colds, many headaches, and at the beginning of this year I was so severely ill with two dangerous infections in my lungs that I was bed ridden me for 10 days and took a whole month to recover. As I laid staring up at the ceiling (because laying in bed for 10 days surely does make you think..A lot!) I started to notice exacty where I was going wrong and started to understand why it was all happening, why I had lost my fun factor, and why I was getting ill so much. I started to work it all out and could see the patten emerging.
From that day forward I made the decision I wasn’t going to carry on the way I was. That I was going to make more time for my family (especially now I was a grandma). I decided that I was only going to work with people who were deadly serious about become successful and learning how to become great leaders. Excuses from people who were not “all in” were not worthy of my time anymore and were not worth of me making myself ill over. If people choose to make excuses to not do the work then that is their problem not mine.
I also decided to cut back my hours of work, set up and build multi-streams of income that really didn’t need me to kill myself over to build asnd make a profit from. I ditched my office and turned it into a nursery for my granddaughter and went back to working around my home on a laptop. I went back to my title of “Work at home mum” instead of “Over work and knackered CEO of an internationally publishing company”.
I was back in control of my life and it felt bloody fantastic! I made the decision to work only 3 days a week, work with serious game changers only, and spend more time with my family. The moment I did that the big game changers stepped forward and so did the bigger contracts that take less time and earn more money.
It’s surprising how common it is for online business owners to end up on this slope of thinking they need to kill themselves and become a slave to their business. I know because I see it everyday and having clients saying the same things to me on our coaching sessions.
I hope by sharing my experiencies with you it helps not to fall into that fog that can surround you and stop you seeing the reality you are creating around you. Nothing is too important to miss the fun out of your life, or to stop you facing the other responsibilities in your life. If you have mountains of things piling up that you are not attending too, then this right here is a sign you are placing too much energy in one place and tipping the balance in your life. This will only give you a one way ticket to unhappiness and making you so exhusted you just don’t have anything else left in you to give.
Today there is only one person who controls my life and my business and that is ME! I hope you are there too! and if there is any typos in this post that will be my granddaughter tapping on my keyboard while she sat on my knee while writing this 🙂 xx
Until next time,
Much love and hugs
Love Kate xxx