Article Written By Trilby Johnson
“Mind what you are saying, especially about and to yourself.
Because you always tend to believe it.”
– Trilby Johnson
Mindset, is all about the stories we tell ourselves as well as what motives us when making the decisions and taking the actions we do. Our mindset consists of belief systems that we learn as children and that will inform much of our lives as adults. Beliefs are the mental building blocks we have that help us to make sense of the world around us and which many use to draw meaning about their lives from. Mindset is important because it fuels our attitudes and the way it which we respond to situations and other people and it helps us to form habits.
For much of our lives, we operate from these conscious and subconscious mindsets. Depending on the quality of the predominant mindset however, as we go through different life stages, situations and experiences, a specific mindset which may have been suitable and effective beforehand, no longer offers the most appropriate results and outcomes and may require reassessment and updating to something new.
Sounds straightforward for sure. Yet many people struggle with this. Firstly, because these mindsets are often operating on a subconscious level as well as being habitual and automatic behaviours and responses. And so whilst a person may really desire to change a specific belief and attitude, they may experience resistance. For instance, a person who lacks self-confidence may desire to feel more confident. And so they may choose to believe they are more confident and there may even be an improvement in their confidence levels – like the ‘fake it till you make it’ slogan. This may work for a while. However, faking it will not be sustainable for very long and often the older more habitual mindset can pull them down. This is the reason that in my opinion and experience, positive affirmations can only take someone so far, before there needs to be another shift to the next level.
Image courtesy of pixabay.com
To experience mindset in an evergreen way, there is more to mindset than mere beliefs. They are indeed the building blocks to how we choose to function in the world. Yet humans are also sentient beings and so much of our prioritizing is based on our value system, which is the foundation of our building blocks. This aspect is often overlooked when it comes to wanting to install new belief patterns. The reason, in my experience, that there can be so much resistance is because when our values and our beliefs are not in alignment, we experience resistance and feel that we have to force or struggle in life.
Our values are a set of core principles that we use in making decision across our lives and are based on importance and need. Not to be confused with your beliefs, which are basically assumptions that we take to be true. Tension can arise when two important values come into play and create a feeling of conflict, when it comes to making important decisions. For instance, whether to stay in a job that is no longer satisfying and boring for security reasons and because that’s how it’s been there for years. Or go for a new job or lifestyle where it would be possible to express more creativity and independence, although it’s risking financial security.
In a case like this, there may be several conflicting beliefs, feelings and circumstances that need to be managed. More often than not, a person can feel pulled in different directions and this makes choosing the correct mindset and attitude challenging. Values come from the heart and beliefs come from the head. So the challenge is finding a happy medium that makes resetting our minds easier.
To do this, prioritizing and updating your values is very important because situations and options are changing all the time, as we grow and expand. Here’s an example! A few years ago, I decided I wanted to be happier and healthier and release the struggle that seem to always appear. So I sat down and did an evaluation and prioritization of my values. One of my top three priorities was ‘security’. Imagine my astonishment when I realized that happiness and health were not even in my top 10! So I had to shift my beliefs around ‘being safe’ and looking at ‘happiness and health’ in a new way. This change in priorities and values, helped me shift my thinking and establish a new mindset, that incorporated all of these values.
Here is a short exercise to help you identify your top 10 core values are:
Sit down and write down the first things that come to mind that are important to you in your life. (If you need examples of values, just google values and you can find lists to draw from.)
- Rank them from 1 to 10 with 1 being the most important and 10 the least.
- Then ask yourself if these are still valid for you?
- Are these values truly your own?
- When sorted, ask if there are any ‘new’ values that you wish to add? Add and rank them.
- Reflect on what has come up and also write down any of the beliefs that may have popped up. For example, health depends on genetic make-up; or if I am happy people will think I am selfish etc.
- If the values identified are not in your top 10, I invite you to add them in. Then sit back and watch what shows up.
- Repeat often.
Actively participating in setting our values, helps to prioritize and activate them in both the conscious and subconscious mind. This dynamic is what fuels a powerful and positive intention, attitude and mindset. Having a valuable mindset, requires adding value to our lives and ensuring when and how our mindset serves us best as we grow and expand.
Much Love, Trilby
p.s. Would you like a great resource of original inspiration to support shifting your thinking? My book ‘A-Ha Moments’ is available online and will support you in having your own a-ha moments.
Trilby Johnson is an Author, Speaker and Body Energy Alchemist. She supports conscious and forward-thinking individuals to move from pain to resolution by resolving the core imbalances that destabilize and limit them, leaving them stuck in the muck of trauma and pain. When they connect the essence of who they truly are, they realize and align with their full potential and live happy, healthy and successful lives, on their own terms.
Written By Desirėe Toldo
Stubborn. Loud. Introverted. Passionate. Inquisitive. Precise. Frank. Seven words that capture the essence of who I am.
Seven words are what you need to learn what you believe about who you are. I often find that the words we use to describe ourselves find their origins in labels assigned to us so early on that they seem branded into our souls.
Our self esteems are so rooted in the opinions and words of others from such an early age, that by the time we are able to conceptualize our own self-image we are already so inundated with ideas about who we are that its difficult to separate who we are from who people think we are. We are a compilation of layers and layers of labels that ultimately create our self-concept; good, bad, or fierce.
So, who am I?
I am stubborn. The word comes to mind first because next to “Desirée”, its what I’m called most often. Being stubborn means you don’t accept an answer just because it’s an answer. It means you push beyond the point when most people stopped pushing. It means sometimes (lots of times?) you get yourself in trouble. But ultimately it means that you believe in something so strongly you’d stake a trip to Disney on it—belief like that is invaluable.
I am loud. I often say that I have no volume control, but being loud is to be expected when you’re a Cuban Italian girl from New York. Loud just comes with the territory. I speak loudly, I laugh loudly, I even sleep loudly. Our voices are the strongest tool we could possibly be armed with. Having a loud voice doesn’t always mean you will be listened to, but make no mistake, you will be heard.
I am introverted. If that’s not juxtaposition, I don’t know what is—loud and introverted. How can that be? I may have a loud voice, but my soul is quiet. I thrive in familiar settings with lots of books and snacks. I would choose a night in over a night out any given night. I’m the oldest 23-year-old I know and I love it. Being introverted forces you to step outside of your comfort zone quite often. You are faced with challenges that an extrovert wouldn’t give a second thought to, which means that you have the opportunity to overcome challenges often—its quite empowering.
I am passionate. I become even louder than normal when I begin talking about something that I’m passionate about (teaching, Disney, the Harry Potter series, food, etc.). My passion has afforded me a career, an opportunity to write my experiences down to be read across the world, a successful relationship, a stocked fridge…the list goes on. Passion is what fuels the soul—it’s the fortitude of your belief in something that drives you to pursue it at all costs. When it comes to your passion, stubborn isn’t a bad thing to be— never accept the answer you don’t want, always pursue your passion, always keep pushing.
I am inquisitive. I always have a follow-up question. Always. If I could swing it, being a student would be my fulltime job. I love to learn and I am always looking for something new to discover. If the family of one of my students speaks a language I am unfamiliar with, I research it—that’s how I discovered that the Igbo language is spoken in parts of Nigeria. If I come across a word I don’t know, I look it up—that’s how I learned what the word “tenable” meant after reading it on the back of a security guard’s shirt. I am always asking questions—of those around me, of my environment, of myself. Being inquisitive means never being satisfied with the amount of knowledge in your brain’s filing cabinets. There is always more to seek—knowledge truly is power and the more you know the stronger you can be.
I am precise. Some would say controlling, I say precise because I am precise. For example, there is an exact science to making a bed the right way—two pillows per side of the bed, the sheet and blankets must be folded four inches down and there must be the exact right amount of pillow showing out from under the comforter on top (or what I like to call pillow cleavage), all to be demolished within seconds of getting into bed. Precise. Maybe also neurotic, but definitely precise. For me, precision is calming—its organized, its dependable, and it creates a standard that can be met and a goal that can be achieved, even on days when making the bed might be the only goal you feel you can meet—and there’s nothing more satisfying than turning down your bed and jumping in after a hard day.
I am frank. I could have said honest, but my dad’s name is Frank, so hi Dad, I’m frank too. Candor is not something I lack—in my mind, its better to say directly what you mean than to have people translate what they think you mean for you. It’s the most dangerous game of telephone you can play. To be frank means knowing where the line lies between the brutality and dignity of honesty and not crossing it. To be able to say what you mean and mean what you say is crucial to your integrity and is a skill that must always be practiced.
When you think about who you are, about your self-image, what are the first seven words that come to mind? Are they positive? Negative? Critical? More than half of my seven words have been used as criticisms towards me—I’m too stubborn or too loud or too introverted or too precise, yet I use those words to build up my self-image rather than tear it down. What others perceive as our greatest character flaws have the potential to become our strengths, our most brilliant qualities. I challenge you to always find the very best in your seven words and beyond. After all, they are yours and nobody else’s.
It’s nice to meet you. Who are you?
Much love Desirėe xx
About Desirėe Toldo:
Article Written By Jo Cruise
Self-esteem is the value that we place upon ourselves. It’s our emotional and mental thought processes that can either cultivate a healthy or damaging sense of self-worth.
Developing sturdy self-esteem is vital for our all-round emotional, psychological and emotional well-being. So, what can jeopardise this and how does this impact our overall perception of self?
Self-esteem is a by-product, a symptom of something much more deeply rooted in our spiritual psyche. When we feel whole and complete all aspects of our emotional, mental and spiritual aspects are functioning in harmony. It’s as though we’re flowing in tune with the Divine ebb and flow of life. We feel a sense of connection, direction and inspiration and everything we do comes from our inner knowing of self and our place in the Universe.
Here, there is only love, and the self as a Divine reflection can only ever feel worthy. So, what can break this connection? How can our spirit become fractured? Over the years I’ve worked in many different settings; community mental health teams, drug and alcohol services, domestic violence outreach programmes and more and I’ve helped many people reacquaint their relationship to self. I believe this journey also encompasses a re-connection to their spiritual aspect and higher self.
But, it’s often a difficult path to navigate. For example, everyone’s heard the saying ‘the dark night of the soul’, this can be the pre-cursor of a re-integration of self through a series of soul shifts. It can also drive a person to the outer most reaches of self, a lonely and desolate place. Anyone who’s ventured to these outlands of the ‘shadow self’ know what this means for the self.
This is a place of dis-empowerment, there exists here a feeling of dis-embodiment from the self, where the spirit has receded and the person feels broken and lost. A growing feeling of disconnection emerges and this adversely affects self-worth. I know, because I’ve journeyed to that place. I’ve stood on the precipice of the gaping black hole and fallen deeply into it.
This resulted in my own reclamation of self and happened because my soul felt abandoned by my mind, body and spirit. Of course, my soul never abandoned me, it waited patiently always with me, bearing witness to the pain and suffering I was enduring. But, from this place, which sounds a stark and cold reality, something was happening. I was undergoing a transformation and the time came when I was ready to swim through the turbulent waters and resurface. Finally, leaving the depths of my shadow outlands behind.
This metamorphosis happened because I underwent a cataclysmic erosion of self and it was only when I pulled myself back up that I realised this is what had happened. Now, many years later my sense of self is very different. I’ve healed and grown through these experiences and have used them to positively impact the lives of others.
As a survivor of life, I understand how I can utilise my personal power and autonomy to help others. I don’t think there’s anything more inhumane than ignoring the plight of those you’re able to empower, enable and encourage. I’m an advocate and inspirer and I believe that’s what we should all be, even more so if we have experienced difficulties in life. Our struggles and survival through them, gives hope to others. Overcoming challenges demonstrates that there is always an opportunity to grow and evolve through our shadow times and that is invaluable.
When we transmute our pain to inspire others and help them to develop a closer, loving relationship with the heart and soul of who they are, we are privileged to be able to do so. The human journey is a life-long lesson in getting to know ourselves. A lot of the time we arrive at that knowledge through the relationships we develop with other people. But, it’s only when we realise our own worth that the value of our life becomes a sacred series of lessons. Each one allowing us to explore our inner world in a little more detail. If we give ourselves permission to feel unconditional love for ourselves, without judgement and without fear we are arriving close to the truth of who we are.
Thank you so much for reading, much love
Jo Cruise Coach and Mentor
For over 20 years Jo has been enabling people to reclaim their authentic self, through integrating the; mind, body, spiritual and emotional dimensions of their lives. She empowers her clients to regain more clarity, confidence and courage to birth their inspired ideas into the world. Helping them achieve the personal success and fulfilment they deserve.
by Trilby Johnson – Author and Body Energy Alchemist.
Writer for The Missing Piece Magazine
Self-Esteem is very much a question of connection. In my experience, it’s first and foremost about the connection you have with yourself. It’s how you think about yourself and feel about yourself! It’s also the manner in which you talk to and about yourself.
For many years I struggled with low self-esteem. In fact, I basically hated myself and my life was miserable because of this. I believed what others had told me about myself and it hurt. What hurt so much, was that I knew deep down inside that all of that simply wasn’t true – and yet I let myself down.
For me to get from that place of not liking or loving myself at all, to a place where I had a higher level of self-esteem, took a while and a lot of honest introspection. So in this issue, I want to share with you, 3 of the elements that I consciously chose to add to my life and which helped me to boost a higher and healthier sense of self-esteem.
Image courtesy of Pixabay
- Element of Self-Love
Having been someone who didn’t love myself very much, I can guarantee you that Loving Yourself is the most important thing you will even do. Not only for yourself – also for the other people in your life.
Then, it’s about how you connect to others in ways that either support or disempower your level of self-esteem. The reason is that, when you truly love yourself and allow yourself to be who you truly are – the good, the bad, the ugly and all the other bits – you are a Gift – to everybody you know and meet! You can be confident. You can let go of the doubt, guilt and shame – all of which were probably not yours to begin with.
It took me a long time – through depression, abusive relationships and situations, suicidal tendencies and many low and dark moments – until I realized that all I really wanted, was to love myself.
So please give your permission today, if you are not yet there, to LOVE YOURSELF. It is soooo important!
Self-esteem is a by-product of loving yourself and not vice-verse. So make sure your are not missing out on this crucial boosting element.
- Element of Worth
I have worked with so many people, who believe that they are not enough. I know how that feels – I used to be like that. They believe that if they try harder or hard enough, if they give more, if they behave in a certain way, that finally they would be enough … and be worthy of other people’s praise, love, approval, or something else.
I have witnessed it and felt it myself – the huge sense of relief that comes with finally accepting and knowing that I am enough already. That I am worthy. And with this, the knowing that we are all worthy!!!
There is nothing to prove, despite that so many of us have been duped into believe it is something to be achieved or earned. The problems arise when we start to doubt or are led astray by other’s opinions and when we think that we have to DO something to Be Enough. We are enough . . . evident in the fact that Life itself has given us Life. We are enough!
So please, choose to know that you are worthy. This choice will add and boost your self-esteem.
- Element of Safety
This may surprise many people – I know it did me, when I realized that not feeling safe had a huge impact on my sense of self-esteem. Many of us are so afraid of the judgement of others. Perhaps even more so and subconsciously, we are afraid of our own judgement. I don’t know about you, but I have often been my harshest and most unforgiving critic!
I can remember the acute sense of relief I experience when I finally let go of judging myself and wanting to control everything … aahhhhh … it was amazing! I began to feel safe.
When you feel safe, you feel okay when you make mistakes. It feels safe even when you don’t always know exactly what to do, all of the time. It feels safe for you to be You – with or without other people’s approval.
When you don’t feel safe, worthy nor love yourself, these mindsets create a gravitational pull to everything ‘out there’ that matches these lower states of self-esteem. Life will serve you up the very things you fear. Life will show you perhaps adversely where you need to boost your levels of love, worthiness and feeling safe.
Safety is an inner state of being. Yes, you can live in a dangerous places – I’ve done that – and even in these situations, you can still feel safe. You can begin by claiming I love myself, I am enough and I am worthy, I am always safe! Even if at first you don’t quite believe or feel it completely. Claiming and declaring these will boost your self-esteem no end.
This does not mean there will not be days that are difficult nor that you will not have dips in your self-esteem. Simple no longer feed them and soon you will find yourself bouncing back. You will begin to enjoy the benefits of high self-esteem like feeling more confident, happier, healthier and more successful in your daily endeavours.
YOU are your most priceless and valuable commodity! Believe in yourself and your self-esteem will follow. Boost it daily with thoughts, words and feelings of love, worth and safety that will provide you with a healthy and loving connection and web of self-esteem.
Thank you so much for reading, much love
Author, Speaker and Body Energy Alchemist
Connect The Essence of Who You Truly Are!
Blog – https://
Article Written By Wendy Hutchinson
Ever since I can remember I’ve had this voice in my head telling me what I could and couldn’t do. She cast a shadow on my self-esteem feeding me stories about my weight, my looks, my intelligence, my earning potential and so much more. She held me down forever and every time she whispered in my ear I believed her. Play it safe, stay small, no one wants to hear your opinion, and the worst insult of all, you don’t matter. I named her “The Bitch” and what a bitch she was. I listened to all her lies and believed in my limited potential. One day I recognized her for who she was, she was a deceiver and deal breaker and I broke free of her and I said, “that’s enough”! I believed the deceit was truth. The bitch kept me from becoming everything I dared to dream. I could run down a list of ways I fell short in my life faster than ice cream melted on a hot summer day. I had no idea how pervasive that EGO/bitch was until I started to pay attention.
The bitch kept me living small and safe by creating just enough doubt and fear to hold me captive. She was also smothering my spirit and my dreams. And then, something magical happened, I put that bitch in a box and I put a huge black iron padlock on it. That act of defiance was something so powerful, it surprised even me. I began piece by piece finding my way back to my authentic self. I started to feel at a soul level, the truth of who I am. I saw that I could be fearless and strong. I saw that I could take risks because I felt called to help others in my coaching and energy healing. The bitch would try to come out occasionally and rattle the cage, but I was not having it and back in the box she would go. I realized that nothing was going to keep me from taking the next step on my journey. I felt the stirring of something so much bigger than what I had allowed myself to believe possible. There was only one way to step into my power and it required a major shift in the story I was telling myself.
This shift happened gradually. At first, I began noticing how often I was telling myself ways I didn’t measure up. Then, I had a daring and provocative thought, which was, I am not my thoughts! I made a radical decision. I decided it was time that I started honoring and loving myself because if I didn’t, who would? I asked myself who am I really? What do I enjoy? Everyone has one thing that brings them joy, be it cooking, reading, travel, dance, working out, or spending time with friends. It could be something simple like sleeping in or a great latte on a Saturday morning. That is where I began to find my way back to my soul, the soul that was the essence of me. Through this process of rediscovering what lit my soul on fire, I began to blossom and the fabric of my life became this rich tapestry of experiences. I began to explore new places with my husband. I was reading books that inspired me, excited me, and set me on a spiritual path. I discovered a love of yoga and being outdoors on walks with my dog. I became very intentional about the kind of life I wanted to live. I created a perfect balance of work and play. I wanted to connect to people who were interested in changing the world by following their passions and just as I put that energy out there, the Universe began to deliver those people through synchronicity and circumstance. The more I focused on things that brought me joy, the more aligned I felt, attracting experiences, opportunities and people that resonated with me.
As I became more authentic in who I was, I stepped away from the person everyone else wanted me to be. I learned to set boundaries. I learned to put myself first and realized this wasn’t a selfish act as I had been programmed to believe. It was healthy to honor myself. Once I respected myself and my time, people fell away or fell in line. At first, I was sad to see the people I cared so deeply about falling away. As I began to step fully onto my path and into my power, I realized it had to happen to make room for the people who were going to come forward and lift me up and hold my hand as I pursued my dreams. The friends who said I’m here for you, I love you, I think you are doing great work were the ones I needed in my life. There is no room in my life for people jaded by their own cowardice and insecurity creating doubt and fear around what I am doing. I am including family members here. Yes, I have stepped so fully into my power, there is no room in my life for negativity, even if you are a blood relative. The people I want in my life are going to treat me with respect, and love and dignity. It’s people who The bitch kept me living small and safe by creating just enough doubt and fear to hold me captive. She was also smothering my spirit and my dreams. And then, something magical happened, I put that bitch in a box and I put a huge black iron padlock on it. That act of defiance was something so powerful, it surprised even me. I began piece by piece finding my way back to my authentic self. I started to feel at a soul level, the truth of who I am. I saw that I could be fearless and strong. I saw that I could take risks because I felt called to help others in my coaching and energy healing. The bitch would try to come out occasionally and rattle the cage, but I was not having it and back in the box she would go. I realized that nothing was going to keep me from taking the next step on my journey. I felt the stirring of something so much bigger than what I had allowed myself to believe possible. There was only one way to step into my power and it required a major shift in the story I was telling myself.
continue to create drama and try to suck me in, that I respectfully side step and have minimized contact with.
There is no reason to approach life as a victim of circumstance. Being a victim is disempowering. It creates a mentality of helplessness and resignation. You can languish in the mental wasteland of what if scenarios and what will people think bullshit or you can stop wasting time in the space of doubt and fear. Put your bitch in a box and lock her down, now is the time to let your light shine.
Until next time, much love
About Wendy Hutchinson:
Alinea Life Coaching
It is time to part with those words that have disempowered you for your entire life; the words that people conform to themselves on a daily basis which stop them moving forward or ever becoming what they dream and desire to be.
The words I am talking about are:
• I can’t
• I wish
• I hope
• I don’t know how
• It’s not possible
• I could never do that
• If only
• I should really be doing this
• If only I knew how
• I should have
• Yes but
• Maybe one day
• I’m sorry, I can’t
These words will continue to keep you stuck in the position you are in and will never help you move forward with your life. The longer you continue to say these words out loud, you are confirming to yourself that you are choosing not to find a way around whatever obstacle is impeding your path in life.
The language you use can empower you so that you are in control, OR it can have the opposite effect and disempower you, which is then assigning you the role of a victim.
The words that you habitually use affect how you communicate with yourself and how you experience your life. By simply changing the words you use, you can completely change the course of your life and the decisions you make.
The words you use carry energy and have the power to influence what happens in your life and work. Many of these words were programmed into you as a child along with the belief systems they support. Simply being aware of our words and shifting our language can lead to higher energy and success in your life.
Let’s look at the words that will empower you and change the way you do things in the future. The words you can now choose to use are empowering and you are making positive statements with these words every time you speak them out loud.
Your words can now be replaced with:
• I will do this
• I am going to
• I choose not to
• I want to
• I am
• I feel
• I intend to
• My goal is
• I want to know more
• I will make this happen
I am sure you can see the major difference in these words compared to the disempowering words. Look at the power these words hold. Just think of what you can achieve each day by switching your words to empowering ones. All you have to do becomes aware of the disempowering words you are using and switch to using the empowering words listed above. It is that simple.
Now let’s look at changing how you express yourself to others when they ask you how you are. When people say, “how are you today?” we often reply with, “I’m all right, thanks,” or, “I’m okay.” These words are also disempowering you! Let’s change these statements to: “I feel great today, thank you,” and “I’m feeling really empowered today.” Do you see the difference?
Now say these statements right now (yes , now!):
I feel empowered today.
I feel awesome today, thank you.
Didn’t that feel so much better when you said that? Instead of the usual disempowering, “I’m okay.”
Really become aware of how you hold yourself when you speak the disempowering words versus when you say the empowering words. You will notice that when you are speaking of the empowering list your head will be up and your back will be straight and you will be feeling ready to take on the day! But when you read from the disempowering words list… where are you looking? And how is your body reacting to this? Your body is hunched over and your eyes are on the floor. Can you see how much of an energy drain these words are? The best part of this is that you have control over this and you can change the way you hold yourself in a crowd just by changing your vocabulary.
All you are doing is replacing old habits with new ones and reaping the rewards for doing so. Yes, even the words we say and the body language we use with these words are habits, just like the rest of the habits you have been changing in this program. This is no different!
Isn’t it a truly amazing feeling to be aware of the control you can have over YOUR OWN LIFE?
Have a wonderful rest of your week!
A healthy loving relationship is a sacred gift from our higher source of power. For those who call your higher power God, just like me. We know that god wants us to love each other and create together. He didn’t want us to be upset in a relationship or be miserable, nor did he want us to merely exist in an unloving duty that we feel the need to be tied to because of money of other issues.
A relationship should be a happy journey for you and your partner. You both should have the room you need for each of you to develop and grow. Not everyone stays the same and over time we evolve. We all have personal growth journeys and none of us will be the same people ten years from now. This means the relationship has to grow and develop with us or it will never work. Too many people stay together just for the sake of “making things easier.”
We tell lies to ourselves by doing this. Nothing is going to be easier; in fact you are making life ten times harder for yourself for not being you. If you are not being complete free who you want to be then it’s time to stretch your wings and be the person that you have always wanted to be. It’s time to seriously look at what we should be doing in this relationship and what we shouldn’t. I can’t promise that at the end of this blog that your relationship will be all rosy and everything will be fantastic. But I can promise that I will give you a better understanding and make you aware of the things that should be happening, in order to improve your everyday lives, and also not to live frustrated and misunderstood each day.
We all yearn for emotional and spiritual connection. We want to be accepted for who we are. We want to be forgiven for our past mistakes and not be judged by the one person we share our lives with. We want understanding, affection, tenderness and we want our partner to know when exactly we need these things, so that we can receive them.
When we first enter a relationship we tend to put on our happy face and also wear the rose tinted specs. For the first 3 months our heads in the clouds and we are in honeymoon period. We are so overjoyed and infatuated with each other that we cancel out the real world. We only think of the “now moment” rather than 6, 12 months from now. After the infatuation dies down, reality sinks in. We really start to learn the person behind the happy face and we start to notice their true habits and true personality.
A long-term relationship and a marriage require a lot of work from both parties. It requires sensitivity, communication, respect, empathy and listening to one another. It requires a lot of your attention and time to make sure it keeps developing while you’re together.
One of the strongest tools in a relationship is communication and it’s something a lot of couples don’t do. We somehow expect our partners to automatically know how we are feeling. We have all expected this, at same stage in a relationship within our lives and those who say they haven’t really are not being completely honest to them self. Think about it for one moment. If we didn’t have to communicate to have the perfect relationship and our partners could read our minds then would frustration really exist?…Course it wouldn’t. In fact everyone would have perfect relationships, awesome sex lives and the divorce lawyers would be out of business!
My friends the only way you are going to have the most amazing relationship and sex life is through communicating with each other and telling each other how you feel and also taking each other’s feelings into consideration. HOWEVER. You do both have to commit to doing the work and carrying out the communication in the first place. If only one of you decides to complete the work and the other chooses not to then you’re both going to end up on completely different pages? Which will result in you totally not understand where the other person is coming from? So take your time to work through each issue in your relationship together, and support each other while you are taking this new journey.
Facing the Music
For any relationship to move forward we first have to deal with the issues that are frustrating you right now. Not every person possesses the same levels of caring, respect and love as each other.
You may love at a deeper level then your partner. Remember that you are not the same people and you have come from entirely different backgrounds. So you have learnt different ways of how to treat others. What might seem unacceptable treatment to one could feel completely normal to the other.
This is where frustration comes in. So rather than communicating with each other we will instead bottle these emotions up which then build up and can result in an explosion of emotions which result in a huge argument. This is why in order to move forward we have to face the music and we have to put all our cards on the table and be forced to look at our bad points…….and accept them!
Don’t expect them to read your mind or live up to expactations that they could never reach! That’s completely unacceptable to expect somebody to deliver a high expectency and then later pull them down for not reaching what is expected from them. Nobody is perfect, so if you learn to support each other and work on the weak points (weak points NOT bad) you will go on to grow together and have a wonderful relationship.
Now I am not saying that won’t ever be storms to ride, stressful times ahead or unexpected hurdels ahead, because I would be completely B.S-ing you! Of course they will! But at least if you work together stronger as a unit, rather then divided you will come through the worse storms and out the otherside stronger then ever!
I pray a massive blessing over you today and your relationships, and may your realtionship be as strong and happy as mine.
Have a wonderful rest of your week,
Guest blog Written by Judy Van Niekerk:
Forgiveness is such a misunderstood concept in our society today.
Forgiveness is a journey, a natural by product of healing. A journey that involves so many twists, turns, dead ends and false horizons. With each dead end bringing with it a sense of going deeper into the abyss, and each false horizon a pain and frustration so consuming it threatens to overwhelm you.
Yet, one day, you wake up, wipe the sleep from your eyes, and something is different. You don’t know what it is, but all of a sudden you see colour, vibrancy and there is a light at the end of the tunnel that shows a clear and real horizon.
You have a feeling of inner peace, a connectedness that had been lost for so long, that feels so good to have back and there is hope, faith and excitement for what the future will hold.
Then a situation arises that makes you confront your source of betrayal, whatever form that took, be it abuse, loss, disease, violence – that you realise you feel so different towards it.
You have an ability to let it go. You realise that the person or situation does not have the same hold on you. Not for their sake, but for you, for the sake of your life and your own destiny.
It is then you realise you have forgiven!
Forgiveness does not mean to condone, it is not a judgment on the other person or situation – but a release of their hold on you. This was my experience when a few years ago, I was told by the police Detective that my father, who was serving 54 years in prison, was dying.
The memories of the years of pain, torment, fear and anguish washed over me like a tsunami but I didn’t drown under them, instead I intuitively knew what I must do. Living in South Africa at the time, I got the next flight to Dublin, and I went to see my father in the hospice where he had been transferred to.
It was the hardest, yet easiest thing I have ever done, walk into a room alone and face a man – who had imprisoned me for almost two decades whilst violently and daily raping me, shooting me, making me pregnant several times and conducting brutal home abortions – whilst I was isolated from society, denied schooling or any form of human interaction.
There I was face to face with the man, my father, the press had labeled evil after the court hearing.
I saw a wasted man, consumed by his own agony, still completely oblivious of the harm he brought to me as he continued to be able to right say it to himself and to me, still completely so self absorbed in his last days, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
Gratitude that I was able to break away from him, gratitude for everything I had achieved in my life, gratitude for all I had in my life and the life I was yet to live, gratitude that my path was so different to his and finally gratitude for the life he had given me for without it, I surely would not be living the life I have.
With that gratitude came an ability for me to say, thank you Dad for everything, I love you.
That was when I truly understood forgiveness.
It was not for me to judge my father’s journey in this life. Each one of us has our own path to walk. The experiences we encounter on that journey are skills, tools and even gifts that we need to fulfil that journey; and that day, I saw my father, a lonely middle aged man, having been a part of the gift of my life.
I did not need nor did I expect an apology from him, and when you think about it, if I genuinely believed that what he did for me was a gift, then what would he have to apologise for?
As you read this you may be at a very very different part of your journey towards healing, and you may find what I say so incredulous, unbelievable even or even tempted to label me with Stockholm Syndrome, just know that what you are feeling right now – is completely normal and totally understandable.
During some of the dark times on my own healing journey, when I read articles like this, I went out of my mind, I could not comprehend it. But as my journey continued, reading about others experience not only gave me hope, but helped me contextualise my confused web of feelings and emotions.
Although I forgive my father for all he did, I did report him to the police and it was the first ever case of it’s kind in Europe to have been held out of camera, free for the press to report. In his summation the Judge said it was the worst case of child abuse he had ever heard and sentenced my father to 54 years. The incidence of women and girls reporting sexual crimes went up 75% in Ireland at the time.
Forgiveness does not mean we condone, and does not prohibit us from taking action against those that had wronged us – for this is what is necessary in the mortal realm of society. But in the spiritual realm, forgiveness and gratitude is the food and nourishment for our soul.
Written by Judy van Niekerk
“Gratitude– thankfulness, gratefulness, or appreciation is a feeling, from the heart or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive”.
Gratitude is one of the most important feelings which you need to devlop on a self-discovery journey. If you learn how to use more gratitude for the things that you already have in your life then you will notice more good things come your way. Gratitude operates through a universal law that governs your whole life.
Gratitude is the highest expression of love that we can give in this world.
If we go back through time and notice the sayings of all the great people who lived.
For example; Albert Einstein, Wallace Wattles, Beethoven and Napoleon Hill and many, many more have said that gratitude brings you much more. Albert Einstein, who was the greatest scientist who ever lived spoke of giving thanks 100 times each day in order to receive everything that the heart desires.
“100 times every day. I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labours of other men, living and dead, and I must extend myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and I am still receiving”
“People who can sincerely be thankful for things which they own in imagination have real faith. They will cause the creation of whatever they want”.
If you learn to use gratitude and be grateful for the circumstances that you have now and learn to use gratitude more in your life on a daily basis. You will be truly amazed by how much you receive back.
Your very first exercise will help you bring more gratitude into your life. It will help you be more grateful for things you have in your life now. Then with a little patience and continuous use of this exercise each day you will notice a difference within 90 days.
Your gratitude levels will be at a whole new level, and so will your life too!
It’s exactly how I started out on my journey and I still use it today to remind me of all the things I am thankful for.
The reason using more gratitude works in your life is because when you express gratitude for what you already have you are then putting yourself in the frame of mind that is of joy and expectancy. You are now focusing on what you have, rather than what it is you don’t have. This is then sending out the message to the universe that what you have already is a lot and in return the same energy is then returned back to you.
Which then results in you receiving more!
When you are sending out the thoughts and feelings of being un-grateful the law of attraction will just keep returning what you already have. So use this to your advantage and send out the right energy to receive the right energy back.
“I am always grateful for all that I have in my live. I have a magnificent home. I have a tremendous wife… I love spending time with my family, and I absolutely love what I do in my business every day. I HAVE the best and much to my surprise it keeps getting better”.
“BUT the point is I was not grateful when I had no home, no wife, no family and no business. You see it doesn’t matter where you are in life. There’s a reason right now to express gratitude”.
“So do it now. Get into the habit of it. Write your gratitude list every night, or say it out loud in the shower every morning. You’ll notice in just a matter of days how long that list begins to grow- and what change in attitude it creates for you… and that’s where the attraction finds its way to you”
Grab yourself a piece of paper and a pen, or purchase yourself a special gratitude journel and do the following exercise daily:
Fill in the blanks with your own statements and continue to do this exercise for at least 90 days. If you really want to increase the magic of this exercise then write this list out each day in a journal.
- I am so happy and grateful that I have _______
- I am so happy and grateful for ________
- I am so happy and grateful that I have ___________
- I am so happy and grateful for ___________
- I am so happy and grateful that I have _________
- I am so happy and grateful for ___________
- I am so happy and grateful because ___________
- I am so happy and grateful now that ____________
- I am so happy and grateful to be blessed with ___________
- I am so happy and grateful for ___________
This is a powerful exercise that will result in fetching more gratitiude to your life. I remember the day it hit me like a piece of wood a round the back of my head. I was stood in a beautiful garden and sudden from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head I felt a powerful rush of appreciation run through me. Tears pricked my eyes has I looked around the garden and suddenly had an imense feeling of love and joy for my life.
It is by far one of the most powerful exercises I have ever used in my life, and I hope by sharing it with you that it has the same effect on your life too.
Here’s to a fully appreciated life!
Much Love & Appreciation