Real Life Story Written By Jaime Evors
In 2008, God spoke, “You keep trying to end your life. But I am going to keep intervening because I have a plan for you” as I laid that day in a white hospital bed. Everything in my life that took place up until that point, the sorrows and the victories, swam around in my mind as I tried to make sense of the fact that God himself, had a plan for me.
Soon after that hospitalization, I knew I was to go to Oklahoma for Bible College. Without hesitation, I went. I was newer to faith, and still learning the basics of the Bible. I was excited, vulnerable and naive. I grew by great measure in my faith and in all that God did and does. While attending that college, I met a guy. After being pursued and wooed, we began to date. His family and I would talk on the phone for hours. I dreamed of this family I could have and it was enticing. I was warned by my friends and mentors of these red flags, but my own eyes could not see it. Or simply did not want to. I was slowly drawn away from God. A few months later, I was living across country in the south with his family. When we left the cold winter of Oklahoma and landed in the warmth of the south, I felt sick to my stomach. A part of me knew that I had just gotten myself in to something I wasn’t expecting. But, I wasn’t sure and waited it out. After a few weeks, Christmas came and went, and I knew that I did not want to stay. Something was off. But, I couldn’t quite figure out what exactly. As days turned in to weeks, I began to feel like a puppet. I don’t conform well to other people, so when this began, I had some resistance. They would tell me that what goes on within the family couldn’t go outside their four walls. They controlled who I talked to, what I said, and how acted. I desperately wanted to leave, but was coerced to stay several times by means of being slapped, strangled, thrown onto the ground, and even being put in a shower of cold water during a panic attack. One time in particular, the mother held a butcher knife to her wrists to show what I would cause her to do if I left. I dreaded waking up the next day, every day. I went through psychological, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse during those 8 months. I became so wounded and confused. My past wasn’t one that nurtured what is right and what is wrong, so I naturally thought that it was just me, invaluable me.
But God. I could not deny what He has so kindly spoken to me on that day in 2008. I knew this wasn’t the plan He was referring to. I knew that I needed to flee. With one final attempt, I escaped. I left on a lunch break to never return. I grabbed the few items I could hold and left to head north. As I drove with adrenaline surging, tears streaming, and thoughts racing, I had to keep convincing myself that I was doing the right thing. Everything within me shook and by the next day, I wanted to go back. I panicked. What had I just done? Everything I could have gained, was lost. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was? Maybe it’s all my fault? Maybe it can change? But I knew with my failed attempts to leave before, with my many attempts to keep peace, that things weren’t going to change. I needed to accept that fact to keep myself from returning to the abuse. I kept my shaking hands on the steering wheel and didn’t turn back. So, now what?
Life got harder. Leaving something horrific, doesn’t always mean that it’ll be easier on the other side. I had burned bridges, lost my identity, my faith was shaken, I had flashbacks, nightmares, and continually wanted to go back to them. I no longer knew who I was without them, as horrible as it was. That’s what abuse does. That’s what manipulation and coercion does. It strips us of our identity to the point where we can barely, if at all, think for ourselves. We think that it would be easier to go back, than to work through the pain.
But, I just couldn’t go back. I couldn’t. However, with the flashbacks, nightmares, and fear that followed me daily, I stopped eating. I tried to starve the feelings and fell silent. I was crippled in fear from threats to not speak of what took place. Even though I had fled, I was still held hostage in my mind. I took sleeping pills, worked full time, and threw up what I did eat. I punished myself. I took the pain out on myself. I would go for morning runs on the country roads of Ohio, and with each sound of my feet hitting the pavement, I told myself how horrible I was, what mistakes I made, how I deserved this pain, and that I was weak. I would tear myself down so no one else could. I told myself whatever it took to in order to push through the pain of malnourishment. I was tormented, yet somehow, I tried again. I made some calls and sent some emails and found a way to get back out to Oklahoma where I had friends and medical facilities that I knew could help restore me. About six months from when I fled from the south, I made the move back out west. Within 2 days, I saw a doctor. I was told that in 2 weeks I would be dead if I didn’t have an intervention, due to Anorexia Nervosa. Part of me thought, “good.” But God’s spirit in me rose up and I knew I needed to do what it takes.
I received the feeding tube, and picked up my shield and fought harder. I felt as though I was in a desert all of this time. I had secrets know one knew of and at the same time needed to rebuild myself, my identity. It took 2 years of choosing every day to keep moving forward. To keep speaking the truth of God’s Word, to keep spending time with Him by being still or praying, and by spending time with good company. I knew He was faithful. From stories in the Bible, from other peoples lives, and even from experiences in my life. There was no question to that. I guess what I didn’t know, was how. How could I get out of this? I didn’t have a vision, I just had to blindly trust Him every day with every thing and keep doing the next right thing. During that 8 months of time down south, I had met someone and we became friends. Over a year later, after talking every day, encouraging one another, he came to live by me to help take care of me while my strength returned as I was to the point of where I was not able to work. We were best friends. Two years later, we decided to court one another and got engaged. Two months later, we were married. Being that he is the only child, after much time and prayer, we decided to move back south. To that same city, the same area where I was maltreated.
As God heals us, He gives us new perspectives. I took it as an opportunity to face the nightmare that I had been running from and trying to suppress and began to finally heal. The very time frame where satan tried to destroy me, a new life was being born out of it.
Doing that next right thing, led me to today. I am happily married to that best friend, who I think is a saint. I have 3 beautiful little children, a quaint home, and even a cat. I am a certified Life Coach and consider it an honor to work with others to take the next step. He’s not finished. God is never finished. He is all of our good qualities and more. He never left me. He helped me through one step at a time. There’s character traits and dreams that I would not have, had it not been for that healing process. I’ve learned not to discount the hard work of healing. It isn’t about getting from point A to point B. If we let that season mold us, we will come out of the fire stronger than before we went in. Our thoughts are fleeting, but His are eternal. He has a plan for you.
Only He could know the depths that phrase would follow me to and bring me out of again. Only He could know what lied ahead. At my deepest sorrow, He spoke life. Thats who He is and that’s what He does. He’s a redeemer.
God bless you,
Jaime Evors. I am a wife, a mother of 3 and counting. I am certified as a Life Coach through THE AMERICAN SCHOOL OF PROFESSIONAL LIFE COACHING, an ICF accredited program and as well have an associates in Ministry. You can find out more about me at http://www.wavesafterwaves.org/
A confidence and satisfaction in oneself
1: A proper respect for oneself as a human being
2: Regard for one’s own standing or position
Webster’s Dictionary definition of self-esteem and self-respect.
Why do we have such a struggle with all of this?
Self-esteem and self-respect are a group of muscles; they must be worked and strengthened every day. In this article, I want to talk about how to do just that, not the reasons why we lack the confidence and satisfaction in ourselves. I will say one more thing, we all experience this and we even have insecurities as well.
The key questions here are:
How long do you stay in this environment of yourself and who do you turn too?
I talk a lot about the ‘Hag in the attic,’ that nagging voice in our heads. You know who she is! The one that keeps you small, comfortable, questioning yourself so your confidence is compromised and satisfaction is never reached. Sound familiar? Believe me, you need support and tools to keep strengthening your self-esteem.
Think about your muscles and you want to become stronger. You need to do a strength-training regime, right? The same goes for your esteem. Esteem needs spiritual training. Yes, spiritual training.
A higher belief of one’s self, call it what you want, The Universe, or God. I believe God created everything, so I speak God. We need this to release all of our lamenting to grow stronger, through chaos, joy, ups, and downs! Think bicep curls, planks, squats and lunges, crunches (all Pilates based of course). Training! Hard core training. Period.
We have twelve laws of the Universe, begin there for your routine. Read them, understand them. You also need water, a dehydrated body leads to misery and that is not the way to strengthen your muscles. Hydration is so key in so many ways.
The bottom line here is when self-doubt creeps in it is a recipe for misery, and you need someone to hand this all over to: God! We think we need other people in our lives to help us through all of this ‘stuff’ we have going on, and we do, however, they have stuff going on as well. There is only one person that can help us grieve, forgive, lament, and give it all too; and that is a higher power is God!
There was a time when I didn’t turn to God, and I felt He was too far away to even help, let alone trust. So here is how I lived:
I chased money, titles and I placed people on pedestals. That left me disappointed, empty, feeling like I was in a deep dark hole, chasing people for love, drugs, and sex. I lied to climb corporate ladders for money and titles. All because I thought this is what society expected of me, and because I didn’t have satisfaction in myself. I didn’t have a family lifting me up, they beat me down. I was on my own since high school navigating my way with little to no tools.
I quit school because it was more fun to go to Florida at spring break and party. I built a career on lies, I cheated people for money, and I did drugs because it was a powerful place to be, or so I thought. I rebelled, believing in my own false confidence. I was wrapped up in my appearance of my body image, so I took on an exercise disorder. I lived a low life because I thought this is what society, and more importantly, my parents thought I should be doing. And yes, these were my judgments, all of this was in my mind.
Anxiety crept in, and it became worse. Physically, I was getting sick. On the outside, it looked like I had it all going on, but the price to pay was my lack of spirituality, faith, self-esteem, and self-respect! I compared myself to others, and I always felt like I had work hard to chase everything down! I would say things like: “I don’t have luck, I don’t come from money, only other people know how to achieve success.” This my friends is the Hag attacking and controlling when you are low.
A few easy suggestions to break this down into simple steps:
R.E.A.D.! (I heard this in church.)
R: ready in your heart
E: engage the text
A: ask questions
D: decide to act
Read and get to know God’s words, fall in love with Him, then you will be in love with yourself. Take His words and bury them deep into your heart. Slow down to have a conversation with Him. We live in such a fast-paced, surfaced, quick-fix environment. We need to go deeper in our hearts, bury his words so deep nothing can dig them up. Ask the questions of who, what, where, why, and when? Do this daily!
This is the muscle-building regime for developing confidence and satisfaction in oneself, a proper respect for oneself as a human being, and regard for one’s own standing or position!
You now have your foundation of strengthening your self-esteem.
Kim Boudreau Smith is a multi-talented CEO and business leader with a legacy of empowering thousands of women. From a corporate background in sales and marketing and over 20 years of experience in the fitness industry, Kim has gone on to become an #1 International Best-Selling Author with the book being one of the best-selling on Amazon for 2015! Kim also has become a multiple International Best-Selling Author Business Consultant and Speaker. Kim combines her expertise with a passion to motivate and inspire other women to become “top producers in their lives”. As CEO of Kim Boudreau Smith Inc. & Founder of Bold Radio Station her international speaking and consulting work has enabled thousands of women to benefit from her inspirational and empowering work. Find out more at www.kimbsmith.com
Aahhhh the sweet smell of success! The constant reminders every two minutes in our Facebook feeds with sponsored ads flashing out their promises of teaching you how to make 6 figures in 6 minutes and having a freedom lifestyle.
Selling to your heart desires and triggering your emotions by using clever marketing tactics, these ads forget to mention the ball breaking hard work and daily application of what it really takes to build strong foundations in a business that will stay standing for generations to come.
They forget to mention the MASSIVE risks you have to take, the responsibility you have to shoulder along the way and how you have to completely transform your personality in order to transform your reality…..Yeah! They kinda forget to mention the REAL hard work part.
So, instead, people fall hook line and sinker into the ads and walk blindly into what’s about to come. They start implementing what is taught to them and it starts to succeed and they have a rush of success and money, and SUDDENLY out of nowhere like a thief in the night, WHAMMMMMMMM!!! … You are hit with huge blows!
Suddenly you have a tonne of responsibility, you have a payroll to your staff to pay, you have so many people looking to you to make MASSIVE decisions every day in order to keep things moving. The anxiety burns up in your chest and throat, you feel like you have to work bigger, faster, quicker, stronger, longer each week.
I mean, after all, you have a reputation and staff to keep right?…… But then suddenly! You start to feel like you are stuck on this God forsaken hamster wheel, what have you created? This isn’t living your passion! This is working stupid hours each week with tonnes of responsibility and people to lead and answer to and you are making less an hour then you worked in corporate???
Nobody mentioned this in the course I signed up for??????…. Nobody mentioned in their shiny Facebook advert that I would be freaking and pulling my hair out by the end of the year! How the f**k am I suppose to handle all this? .. (then your immune system takes a beating) and before you know it you are hit with many illnesses, sometimes one after the other or all at once. What the f**k happen on this journey? Why did nobody warn me about this? Why does it same like one thing after another is against me? …. I JUST DONT GET IT! THIS IS NOT LIVING YOUR PASSION, THIS IS SLOW DEATH TORTURE!!!!!!!
Yes, I hear you! I hear every single question you are asking, why? Because I was that person. I totally experienced the above (and a whole load more) on my journey of building my international publishing company. Within 10 months I was riding my way to 7 figures, had a full team and assistants for my every need and was working with TV personalities, award winning film directors and News readers to help publish and market their books to best seller status. I helped over 350 clients hit the best sellers list in under 3 years and had 18 best selling books of my own under my belt, along with bad health, declining passion and a human body that had turned into a robot that was running a hamster wheel and shouldering masses of responsibility that was wearing me down to zero!
Was I really doing this for others? Or was I feeding my big fat ego to feel like a somebody? To feel important and to be idolized? … Was I really seeing that my business foundations were built on chasing success rather than building a legacy?
I was so BLIND! I was chasing success and it was killing me, far from softly! It was killing me harshly every single day! .. I had NOBODY telling me in every training course I did, in every program I signed up for, in every book I would read, and every session with every coach I had, I had NOBODY teaching me the powerful grounded principles that I would need to learn in order to build strong foundations that will build a legacy of a life time. Nobody shared that with me when they were taking money from my credit card…. NONE!
It’s something I had to learn myself and it came to me one day 2 years ago and hit me like a gigantic piece of wood around the head! SLAM! … There I lay in bed with a bad infection in my lungs and unable to climb the stairs without practically coughing up a lung watching a speaker on a Youtube video, I have no idea why I was drawn to her that day, I just decided to watch this particular video and her words hit me. It was in that moment my eyeballs opened wide and I said OH MY GOSH! I had been doing it WRONG for so LONG!
She repeated the same sentence twice, and each time my hair stood up on end and my goosebumps doubled in size on my arms. This was a massive revelation! I could see for the first time in years what I had been doing wrong. Why I was knackered, ill and completely drained! Why all this stuff was happening to me, and what I had to do to put it so right.
Within 24 hours of watching that video, I made the biggest decision in the world, that was to walk away from the publishing company, let my team go and place myself and my health first. I took 5 months away from the online industry and spent that time just being a mum, wife, grandma and spirituality student. I studied daily and continued to look after myself and my health started to improve along with me gaining my strength back daily.
I woke up one morning to the vision of creating an online digital magazine, I had zero clue how to create it or make it happen and no idea how to design a magazine, let alone have a team to hand to do it. I just knew I had to create the vision that God had planted in my mind… So I did.
The Missing Piece Magazine was born on January 17th, 2017, it has saved people’s lives, help people move forward from even the toughest of situations and it has a team of 31 amazing coaches from all across the world who write and create articles on a monthly basis to help others. We have grown from strength to strength and have over 14,000 followers on social media and subscribers who love our content so much! Because it changes lives!
So what really did peel me back up off that floor when I needed it the most? What did that woman say on that YouTube video to enable me to be the tower of strength?? .. What was it?
Her words were “So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor.”
~ 1 Peter 5:6
BOOM! There it was! … We can chase success as much as we like, but until HE decides you’re worthy, you will be going around in circles for centuries. Until YOU really start to understand strong spiritual principles and live by them, study them and become them every single day, then you will be STILL going around in circles for centuries.
Now, before you start with the “She is a religious nut job” judgement, I spent my childhood growing up in a pagan household, made a tonne of mistakes in my 20’s and was a drug addict and self-harming by the time I was 25. After I stopped taking drugs at 25 I hit the bottle and depended on alcohol for another 10 years, which lead to 1 domestic violence relationship after another. Until I took my journey to self-discovery and faced all my demons of my past abuse in childhood and adulthood. I thought I knew quite a lot considering how far I had come on my journey of self-discovery and my success, but the truth was I knew SHIT, and I had YET MORE to learn.
The past two years have been truly an amazing growth period and I have learned what it REALLY takes to succeed in business to leave a legacy and what it really takes to equip others with the true principles of building a strong foundation in your life and business… I am living proof!
Next year (2018) myself and my business partner Kim B.Smith will start to teach these principles to people in events all across the globe and hosting a powerful retreat once a year!
I am so excited for what is to come and to finally shine a beacon of light upon all the business owners in the world, who like me once upon a time felt like they were drowning and have zero clues why?
It’s time for this to be taught, it’s time for people to build legacies and love every minute of it!
It’s great to be back from vacation after marrying my awesome partner! And thank you so much for taking time to read reading this!
God Bless, your friend for this journey,
When it comes to selling in your business, it really is 80% psychology and 20% mechanics that lead to building a foundation of raving followers who turn into paying clients. Gone are the days of cold-calling and knocking on doors. Human beings work through emotion and everything we do—or buy—is based on how it makes us feel.
We buy from those we know and trust. You know yourself when a service does not live up to the standards we were promised, we then feel disappointed and upset. We feel cheated after parting with our hard-earned cash to pay for those goods or services.
To sell successfully through social media takes practice, but once you have mastered the skills and have incorporated them into your life on a daily basis it becomes effortless. You then begin to construct a strong foundation of raving fans and this leads to creating amazing relationships and leadership influence within your following. This leadership influence leads you to attract people and opportunities that you would never have experienced before.
I thought if at least I give you some useful information in one place (in this blog) at hand you could not fail and by using this advice along the way you will adopt this effective communication that will help you boost your engagement and save you wasting hours on stuff that is not working!
Remember you are a business owner and you are here to do business not babysit the excuse makers who cannot see the value in what you are offering. You want to be working with those who are serious about change in their lives and business and growing yours. I am going to give you 3 great pointers in growing your social media presence and engagement:
1, Create content that triggers engagement from people:
Don’t get caught up in posting all about yourself, this journey is about how you can help others. Create content that will spark engagement, conversation and you gaining comments from your following. It’s not about creating content that they will just like or share, this about developing meaningful relationships with them so that you have a solid ground of clients and referrals from others.
2, Really start to understand what is going on in your follower’s mind!
It seems to have become the over powering norm of creating chaos in our Facebook newsfeeds with one sponsored advert after another of “Download my PDF” or “”Sign up for my free 4 part video series where I teach you how to earn 6 figures in 6 weeks” this is completely choking the heck out of a Facebook follower. People do NOT come to Facebook to buy, they come to engage socially, watch videos that interest them and connect with people around the world. Buying is not the main frame of their mind and this is why it irritates the pants off people! How do I know? That is because when I see 20+ ads on Facebook each day and I actually take the time to read the comments left under the advert because this tells you EXACTLY how your follower thinks! This will open your eyes wide to see the overwhelm that can happen in an everyday newsfeed.
3, Focus on building relationship first:
Focusing on building rleationships first will really help you build a deeper and more meaninful relationship with your clients. If you actually work from a place of humanity, love and care about the people you work with then do place relationship first! Get to know the people who follow you, have conversations in your comments thread. Ask them open ended questions in your posts so that you get to know more about them. Don’t talk about you first, ask them about themselves, what they do, if they have children, are they married? So that it starts to fetch this person to life like the human being they really are.
There is more to somebodies life then just Fascebook, and by learning and chatting to your followers more and creating content that strikes engagment first, you will build more powerful and deeper relationships. Plus, further down the road of your relationship if they do choose to purchase a service from you, then at least you can serve them better from the information you too the time to learn in the first place.
It’s time to see selling for what it really is in the online industry! If people preffer to sell to you 80% of the time rather then just ask you how your day is then maybe humanity is missing out of the equation here?
Have an awesome Tuesday and I really hope these points help you on your selling journey!
Much Love & Appreciation
No matter how much it hurts, no matter how many times I have to pull myself out of the pit and drag myself up by my finger nails. No matter how painful the journey is, I WILL NEVER give in to him.
Him as in the darkness, You will most likely use the name ego, doubt, darkness, sub-conscious mind, hag in the attic. Well, whatever you like to call the voice in the back of your mind it sure is a bloody battle to keep on growing, to keep on going to improve yourself every day.
The battle between good and evil that goes on day in day out on this planet. You, the human, which is one of God’s highest forms of creation is used within this battle. Your darkness tries to control you, squash your dreams and talk you out of ever doing anything amazing because the fear takes over.
Don’t let it! You are far stronger then you can even begin to understand. You have the strength within you to fight the battle and come out stronger than before, however, that is just what it is, it’s a battle. An upward battle to come through each storm of growth because the comfort zone/darkness/ego HATES it when you succeed or create something that changes humanity for the better.
Why? Because it feels threatened that humanity will all stand together and completely destroy negativity. You see humanity is starting to fight back and take its power of freedom back. More and more people all across the world are starting to work on themselves, more and more people have the thirst for personal-growth each and every day. Slowly a blanket of love, respect and gratitude is starting to sweep across the world. Give it 10 years and there will be more people working on themselves every day to fight the ego/darkness than there is right now, and every 10 years after that it will increase.
It will then be passed down from generations to come and legacies will start to sweep over the nation and mindsets will be completely different to what they are now.
Is personal growth a constant battle?
YES! It is, but do you know what is worse? Sitting in your rocking chair at the age of 85 and looking at your grandchildren and telling them all the things you didn’t do with your life. I don’t know about you? But when I get to that age I still want to be travelling and speaking just like Bob Proctor! Still changing lives and have a huge pool of knowledge to share with every generation across the world.
Every time we reach another level of understanding, or we are about to reach another level of success. The ego/darkness HATES IT! So we are tested and the storm comes. That storm could be a battle of doubt, a testing moment, or it could be a way of testing your weaknesses or spiritual principles. So you have to be prepared and you have to be willing to accept that the storm is coming.
If you stay the course of the battle, either with your mind, or experience. Just keep your faith in knowing that on the other side of that battle or storm there is an amazing experience waiting for you.
You just have to ride the storm and win the battle first!
Have a wonderful Thursday,
Much Love & Appreciation
Well, at least that is what I thought and for the past 20 years, that is all I have been doing. “Mum I need you to fix this it’s not working”, “Mum how do I make this happen”, “Mum what do I do with this?”
If you are a parent you know them statements only too well from your children and you have adopted that role of the “fixer”. Well, I wish that was possible for me yesterday, but it wasn’t.
Nothing I could do could fix the situation we were in and I felt useless. When I received that call at 6:30 am in the morning to tell me my daughters waters had broken and she was on her way to the hospital, I sprang into fixer mode and started packing her hospital bag. We were so unorganised because she was only 27 weeks into her pregnancy and this was unexpected.
I rushed around like a headless chicken fixing the hospital bag cancelling all meetings that day and calling my partner back from work. As soon as Matthew arrived home we chucked everything in the car and headed to the hospital. I tried frantically to get in touch with my daughter on the way to the hospital, but she was not answering. 20 minutes later she called me to say she had delivered the baby but it was not looking good.
I was only 10 minutes away from the hospital at this time, now I was in shock in tears and needed to get there soon as possible. We pulled up in the hospital car park and grabbed the bag out the boot of the car and my phone rang again. It was Emily to tell me that the baby had passed away. I couldn’t breathe, I felt like somebody had punched me in the stomach. Now how the fuck am I suppose to fix this?
With tears streaming down my face I grabbed the hospital bag and ran to the special baby unit. When we arrived we were guided to a side room called the “Snow Drop” suite. The midwife could have been talking French for all I know, the only words I remembered her saying was “I am so sorry for your loss” the rest was a blur.
I just needed that urgency of holding my child because right now she would need her mother. I sat down on the sofa in the Snow Drop suite and waited for what seemed like 5 hours, but was only 10 minutes.
The double doors opened and the midwives pushed Emily’s hospital bed into the room. I turned my head back to the door and stood in the door frame was Mark holding his tiny son wrapped in a white towel.
Mark sat next to me and cried his heart out while holding his son. I held Mark and told him how sorry I was and I looked down at the little bundle he was holding. He passed me the bundle and I held him in my arms, he was still warm and he was the most beautiful thing I had laid eyes on.
His head was to the side and his mouth open, trying to get my mind to understand he was not alive was challenging. Every ounce of me hoped and prayed for a tiny noise or some movement, but nothing.
My tears fell from my cheeks onto his forehead. I passed him to my partner and walked over to the bed and sat next to Emily and hugged her and told her how sorry I was. She looked at me and said “Sorry for what mum? You have no need to be sorry”.
The rest of the morning was spent gathering footprints, hand prints and a lock of hair from David. I offered to wash him and dress him for his photo’s. His tiny body was stuck to the white towel he had been wrapped in and I had to peel the towel every so gently away from his skin, carefully not to tear his delicate skin. I wash him down with baby wipes to clean all the blood off his skin from the top of his neck to the bottom of his dinky toes.
He had really long legs, big hands and big feet, but so do all the boys in our family. His little legs had become black from no circulation or heartbeat in his tiny little body and he had a little bruise on his nose and chest where the nurses had tried to resuscitate him for over 30 minutes. I dressed him in a little white vest and wrapped him back up in his blanket and lifted him up to my face to get a better look at him. I wanted to take in every detail of his face while I had the chance. I kissed his cheek and could feel his cold skin against my lips.
I placed him back in mum’s arms and the vicar arrived to baptise him. We had a lovely little ceremony and he was blessed and his soul was released to heaven, where he lays in Jesus’ arms until the day we meet him again. I thanked the vicar for the lovely ceremony and he looked at me and said: “I am so sorry for your loss, there are no words to console your pain right now”.
I looked at him with my tear stained face and said: “Mum’s usually fix everything, this is something I cannot fix”, the vicar looked at me and said, “I know, God bless you and your family”. I shook his hand and thanked him for baptising David and he left the room.
I and Matthew spent the next hour with David and said our goodbyes forever. I took some photos of him and his foot and hand prints and kissed my daughter goodbye. This was now her time to spend alone with him until she decided she was ready to say goodbye.
We found out from the medical report that the placenta detached itself from Emily’s womb, which is why her waters broke and why David passed away. Even though this is a hard tragic time right now, I am so appreciative of the time I spent with my first grandson. I am so glad I made the choice to spend that time with him and to wash him and dress him because that will stay with me forever.
Today is a new day, and we have to move forward even if it’s a tiny step at a time. Emily is still in the hospital and the doctors don’t want to discharge her until tomorrow. So from there, she will decide what kind of funeral she would like for David and how it will happen.
I didn’t think in a million years I would be burying my grandson before Christmas, but I do know that everything happens for a reason in life and even know I could not fix this, I know there is a reason for all of this and even though it does not make any sense right now. It will do further down my journey.
Such an easy word to say, but in reality is the hardest thing you have to do. This is the part where you have to take responsibility for your reality and see the situation for what it is and how it is.
However, even though you are seeing the reality of the situation and accepting that it has happened and seeing it for what it is, you shouldn’t see it worse than it is.
You have to still remember that each day the world keeps turning and life keeps moving. You have to also understand that no matter how much pain you are hurting there is still those that need you. Those that still need you to guide them. Especially if you are someone that thousands of people on a daily basis look to for inspiration and to be led and most importantly a grandmother to another grandchild.
Throughout the journey of leadership, you have to really separate yourself sometimes from what is going on around you in order to keep focused on the things that need to keep moving forward. When people are looking at you day in day out (and we are talking thousands of people here) not just 1 or 2 who I can say “It’s alright to put this off for a few weeks and I will come back to you”. No, we are talking about HUGE dreams that have been placed in my responsibility to help make a reality I can’t just let it all crumble and say “fuck this” and walk away.
I was trusted with huge responsibility and with great power comes massive responsibility. So, even if it’s for a few hours, 45 minutes or even 10 minutes of the day I still need to lead a team to point them in the right direction of where they need to be in order to make the clients dreams still become reality.
I won’t lie it’s taking every ounce of mental strength I have daily to keep one leadership shoe on, support my daughter through the death of her son and start to help plan an infant’s funeral. Yesterday was extremely painful to lay me bare in front of you and to share the painful story of events that happened only 48 hours ago. However, like most writers, it can be amazing therapy and realise of the feelings that I am feeling so they are not locked up inside and driving me insane.
It’s also a great way for you and me to connect on a personal level. So that you can see that even though someone can succeed in so many ways it makes us no different on the human side. Shit still happens in my world and if any leader describes their life has perfect then they are talking out of their arse. Leadership is HARD and a TOUGH road and it is not for everyone, hence the reason why only very few actually make it.
There are two different types of people, leaders and followers. I was created for the leading part and in every situation no matter in personal life or business, I lead the rest of the group. Sometimes days are tough and some days it’s really really tough, but the overall outcome is priceless. I slipped into them leadership shoes for 30 minutes before the sun came up so to keep all projects on track and keep the client’s dreams on the road to reality.
Now, as I sit here and watch the sunrise on a new day, on the 3rd day of loss in our family. I have learnt to accept the situation that David is gone. My daughter has also accepted that she now needs to plan a funeral and take her first steps to call the funeral director.
One day all of this will make sense to why it happened and the pieces of God’s plan will form sensibility of it all. Until then all I know is that writing about it and sharing my journey really stops me going insane.
Thank you for all your messages, comments and love that you are sharing with me. There is too many to keep up with and reply to so I send you all one big thank you!
Here’s to a new sunrise, a new day, another little step towards healing.
Taken from David’s diary, written by Kate Gardner.
A healthy loving relationship is a sacred gift from our higher source of power. For those who call your higher power God, just like me. We know that god wants us to love each other and create together. He didn’t want us to be upset in a relationship or be miserable, nor did he want us to merely exist in an unloving duty that we feel the need to be tied to because of money of other issues.
A relationship should be a happy journey for you and your partner. You both should have the room you need for each of you to develop and grow. Not everyone stays the same and over time we evolve. We all have personal growth journeys and none of us will be the same people ten years from now. This means the relationship has to grow and develop with us or it will never work. Too many people stay together just for the sake of “making things easier.”
We tell lies to ourselves by doing this. Nothing is going to be easier; in fact you are making life ten times harder for yourself for not being you. If you are not being complete free who you want to be then it’s time to stretch your wings and be the person that you have always wanted to be. It’s time to seriously look at what we should be doing in this relationship and what we shouldn’t. I can’t promise that at the end of this blog that your relationship will be all rosy and everything will be fantastic. But I can promise that I will give you a better understanding and make you aware of the things that should be happening, in order to improve your everyday lives, and also not to live frustrated and misunderstood each day.
We all yearn for emotional and spiritual connection. We want to be accepted for who we are. We want to be forgiven for our past mistakes and not be judged by the one person we share our lives with. We want understanding, affection, tenderness and we want our partner to know when exactly we need these things, so that we can receive them.
When we first enter a relationship we tend to put on our happy face and also wear the rose tinted specs. For the first 3 months our heads in the clouds and we are in honeymoon period. We are so overjoyed and infatuated with each other that we cancel out the real world. We only think of the “now moment” rather than 6, 12 months from now. After the infatuation dies down, reality sinks in. We really start to learn the person behind the happy face and we start to notice their true habits and true personality.
A long-term relationship and a marriage require a lot of work from both parties. It requires sensitivity, communication, respect, empathy and listening to one another. It requires a lot of your attention and time to make sure it keeps developing while you’re together.
One of the strongest tools in a relationship is communication and it’s something a lot of couples don’t do. We somehow expect our partners to automatically know how we are feeling. We have all expected this, at same stage in a relationship within our lives and those who say they haven’t really are not being completely honest to them self. Think about it for one moment. If we didn’t have to communicate to have the perfect relationship and our partners could read our minds then would frustration really exist?…Course it wouldn’t. In fact everyone would have perfect relationships, awesome sex lives and the divorce lawyers would be out of business!
My friends the only way you are going to have the most amazing relationship and sex life is through communicating with each other and telling each other how you feel and also taking each other’s feelings into consideration. HOWEVER. You do both have to commit to doing the work and carrying out the communication in the first place. If only one of you decides to complete the work and the other chooses not to then you’re both going to end up on completely different pages? Which will result in you totally not understand where the other person is coming from? So take your time to work through each issue in your relationship together, and support each other while you are taking this new journey.
Facing the Music
For any relationship to move forward we first have to deal with the issues that are frustrating you right now. Not every person possesses the same levels of caring, respect and love as each other.
You may love at a deeper level then your partner. Remember that you are not the same people and you have come from entirely different backgrounds. So you have learnt different ways of how to treat others. What might seem unacceptable treatment to one could feel completely normal to the other.
This is where frustration comes in. So rather than communicating with each other we will instead bottle these emotions up which then build up and can result in an explosion of emotions which result in a huge argument. This is why in order to move forward we have to face the music and we have to put all our cards on the table and be forced to look at our bad points…….and accept them!
Don’t expect them to read your mind or live up to expactations that they could never reach! That’s completely unacceptable to expect somebody to deliver a high expectency and then later pull them down for not reaching what is expected from them. Nobody is perfect, so if you learn to support each other and work on the weak points (weak points NOT bad) you will go on to grow together and have a wonderful relationship.
Now I am not saying that won’t ever be storms to ride, stressful times ahead or unexpected hurdels ahead, because I would be completely B.S-ing you! Of course they will! But at least if you work together stronger as a unit, rather then divided you will come through the worse storms and out the otherside stronger then ever!
I pray a massive blessing over you today and your relationships, and may your realtionship be as strong and happy as mine.
Have a wonderful rest of your week,
Guest blog Written by Judy Van Niekerk:
Forgiveness is such a misunderstood concept in our society today.
Forgiveness is a journey, a natural by product of healing. A journey that involves so many twists, turns, dead ends and false horizons. With each dead end bringing with it a sense of going deeper into the abyss, and each false horizon a pain and frustration so consuming it threatens to overwhelm you.
Yet, one day, you wake up, wipe the sleep from your eyes, and something is different. You don’t know what it is, but all of a sudden you see colour, vibrancy and there is a light at the end of the tunnel that shows a clear and real horizon.
You have a feeling of inner peace, a connectedness that had been lost for so long, that feels so good to have back and there is hope, faith and excitement for what the future will hold.
Then a situation arises that makes you confront your source of betrayal, whatever form that took, be it abuse, loss, disease, violence – that you realise you feel so different towards it.
You have an ability to let it go. You realise that the person or situation does not have the same hold on you. Not for their sake, but for you, for the sake of your life and your own destiny.
It is then you realise you have forgiven!
Forgiveness does not mean to condone, it is not a judgment on the other person or situation – but a release of their hold on you. This was my experience when a few years ago, I was told by the police Detective that my father, who was serving 54 years in prison, was dying.
The memories of the years of pain, torment, fear and anguish washed over me like a tsunami but I didn’t drown under them, instead I intuitively knew what I must do. Living in South Africa at the time, I got the next flight to Dublin, and I went to see my father in the hospice where he had been transferred to.
It was the hardest, yet easiest thing I have ever done, walk into a room alone and face a man – who had imprisoned me for almost two decades whilst violently and daily raping me, shooting me, making me pregnant several times and conducting brutal home abortions – whilst I was isolated from society, denied schooling or any form of human interaction.
There I was face to face with the man, my father, the press had labeled evil after the court hearing.
I saw a wasted man, consumed by his own agony, still completely oblivious of the harm he brought to me as he continued to be able to right say it to himself and to me, still completely so self absorbed in his last days, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
Gratitude that I was able to break away from him, gratitude for everything I had achieved in my life, gratitude for all I had in my life and the life I was yet to live, gratitude that my path was so different to his and finally gratitude for the life he had given me for without it, I surely would not be living the life I have.
With that gratitude came an ability for me to say, thank you Dad for everything, I love you.
That was when I truly understood forgiveness.
It was not for me to judge my father’s journey in this life. Each one of us has our own path to walk. The experiences we encounter on that journey are skills, tools and even gifts that we need to fulfil that journey; and that day, I saw my father, a lonely middle aged man, having been a part of the gift of my life.
I did not need nor did I expect an apology from him, and when you think about it, if I genuinely believed that what he did for me was a gift, then what would he have to apologise for?
As you read this you may be at a very very different part of your journey towards healing, and you may find what I say so incredulous, unbelievable even or even tempted to label me with Stockholm Syndrome, just know that what you are feeling right now – is completely normal and totally understandable.
During some of the dark times on my own healing journey, when I read articles like this, I went out of my mind, I could not comprehend it. But as my journey continued, reading about others experience not only gave me hope, but helped me contextualise my confused web of feelings and emotions.
Although I forgive my father for all he did, I did report him to the police and it was the first ever case of it’s kind in Europe to have been held out of camera, free for the press to report. In his summation the Judge said it was the worst case of child abuse he had ever heard and sentenced my father to 54 years. The incidence of women and girls reporting sexual crimes went up 75% in Ireland at the time.
Forgiveness does not mean we condone, and does not prohibit us from taking action against those that had wronged us – for this is what is necessary in the mortal realm of society. But in the spiritual realm, forgiveness and gratitude is the food and nourishment for our soul.
Written by Judy van Niekerk
When I ask if you are sleeping with the enemy, I am really asking if you are giving into doubt?
Enemy, ego, darkness, doubt, bitch in the attic, or whatever you choose to call the niggling voice at the back of your mind that keeps trying to talk you out of making your dreams come true.
To me it’s the enemy, the darkness, otherwise, also know as Lucifer/ the Devil to the majority of the world. The one that prowls among us to turn ourselves against each other and ourselves. Yes, him!
We all have to battle him, including me. YES! Me! Even I have days when I have to wrestle him off my shoulder and have my soul roar from deep down inside and shout “I can and I will make this happen! and you will never stop me!”
The deeper your journey goes into spirituality, you will start to understand the good vs evil and the full story behind it all. Why doubt controls you? Why are dreams stopped? Why do people turn against each other? Why people self-sabotage themselves?
And it all comes down to one thing, the fact that you give in and let yourself be seduced by the enemy, ego, darkness, doubt, bitch in the attic, or whatever you choose to call the niggling voice at the back of your mind. You give in and let him seduce you into that way of thinking and before you know it BAM! He’s won! And a dream dies, along with part of your soul with it.
When you don’t live to your fullest, or you don’t carry out the dreams that you had sown into you when you were created. You live a life of regret which eats away at your soul. Which makes you feel like you missed out on “the good life” because you give into to that voice and let him have control over you.
To enable you to move forward with your self-discovery/spirituality journey you have to learn to stand your ground with this. Start recognising when it’s happening and be completely adamant that you won’t be seduced into negative thinking or giving up before you haven’t even started.
You can do this by choosing to be a chicken or a lion! Why a chicken or a lion? Let me explain:
A Lion: Knows it’s boundaries, has high self-respect, does not bow to man, is strong, independent and hunts for his own food. Knows his limits and you know when he roars because you can hear it for miles! And when he’s pissed, boy you would seriously DUCK!
A Chicken: Runs at the slightest noise, has no balls, flaps at the slightest bit of trouble, runs in the other direction, never faces danger head on, waits for someone to fetch food to him, hides under a bush and large things pop out it’s ass.
The question is which would you rather be known for?
It’s time to stand your ground and become the person you were created to be. Stop hiding behind fear and start to understand that you were made to stand boldly to face everything that presents it’s self to you. You are a leader, a business owner, a provider of a service that people require.
You cannot be all of that if you continue to keep sleeping with the enemy. Find your Lion voice and roar!
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your week,