Q5. Does your partner put you down in front of others?
Many partners feel very empowered when they put you down in front of other people. This is again a sign of their own insecurities shining through and projecting on to you. It mostly happens in relationships where the woman is a strong minded independent person who radiates confidence. Your partner then becomes jealous of the confidence that you have and their instant reaction is to pull you down to make them feel better. Even if your a woman who is strong minded and independent you are still a human being, and it still hurts your feelings to be treated like this by a partner.
If you did let this continue over time, then the self-confidence you took so long to build up for yourself will slowly be chipped away, then he will have gained control over you. A supportive and loving partner would not destroy what has taken you years to build within yourself. If anything they would make you feel a thousand times more confident than you were before.
Write a letter to your partner and explain how your partner is making you feel. Then leave it in a place for your partner to find so that they can read it. Often, people don’t listen to what you have to say, but reading it in words triggers the realisation of what they are actually doing.
Don’t hold back on how you’re feeling either. Put everything down in words. If you do become emotional while writing, then this is good. This is your true emotion talking and your true feelings coming from deep within your heart.
Stay tuned for 2 more questions and 2 more exercises,
REAL LIFE STORY – Written by Donna Davis
He seemed so very charming. Or was it easy for me to be so distracted because my heart was recently broken in a recent break-up. Misery makes it easy for predators to ease right in. I never saw it coming.
He always had time for me. He smiled a lot and was adventurous. He seemed to know exactly what to say and when. We had fun together and things seemed great. I didn’t know he had a temper and a short fuse.
It started the night that he was teaching me how to drive. I hadn’t had the opportunity before so it seemed wonderful to have the chance to learn. I started out doing well and then at one point drove off the curb, by accident of course, and watched him turn into a monster. He started yelling and cursing and then hit me. What?! What’s happening? I’m sorry it was a mistake! The car is fine. We’re fine. What’s the big deal? He later apologized and I thought it wouldn’t happen again. Unfortunately it did. Over and over again for a ten years. No rhyme or reason. Half the time I couldn’t even figure out what the trigger was. It seemed that I was living in hell.
Prior to being with him I never really knew how painful and destructive anger was. I had never experienced it. If he was angry I would get hit. If he was angry I would get punched. If he was angry I would get raped. If he was angry I would have to listen to hours of yelling and threats while I was cornered in the bathroom. I didn’t dare question him or answer back and had no idea of how to stand up to him. Year after year it went on and on. I would subconsciously walk on eggshells afraid of relaxing because he could “blow” at any time. We would have patches of okay existence and even some seemingly happy times and then out of nowhere I would get backhanded in the chest or punched in the head. My belief about anger became: if someone was angry-especially a man- I was going to get hurt! It would take me years to have this conscious awareness and several more years before I confronted the fact that this was a lie.
That experience taught me many lessons. It allowed me to see how strong I had become, even after years of feeling so weak and helpless. I found out what forgiveness was. The surprise-and gift-of that was learning and understanding that forgiveness sets me free. It doesn’t justify what happened or excuse his role in the abuse. It allows me to move on and find peace and live life fully.
The dark memories do come to visit from time to time. I’ve learned how to deal with them. I acknowledge that they happened and I rejoice that I’ve found a way out. It seems like so long ago now since I was able to put it all behind me. Each day is a victory, another chance to make better choices for myself and make sure NOONE ever does those things to me again.
I sit here today listening to the Kesha song; “Praying” and smile at the thought that somewhere, somehow, perhaps he has found forgiveness for himself, and maybe has a more peaceful life. That is a wish I can send his way.
I get silent and say a prayer of thanks and ask God what to do next: I hear “Your celebration of life IS your release, IS your reward and IS your freedom.” I dance in those thoughts with a happy heart, a smile, and a sincere hope that many who find themselves in a similar situation can one day be free as well. There is a way out. NEVER give up!
Thank you for reading!
About Donna Davis:
As The Menopause Fairy I now help other women fine tune their lives as they discover their “A-HA MOMENTS” and discover happiness and pursue their true purpose. Over the years I have had the honor and privilege of helping women all over the world get clear on their dreams and goals while helping and supporting them as they found their balanced hormonal health and peace. Find out more at: http://themenopausefairy.com/
No matter how much it hurts, no matter how many times I have to pull myself out of the pit and drag myself up by my finger nails. No matter how painful the journey is, I WILL NEVER give in to him.
Him as in the darkness, You will most likely use the name ego, doubt, darkness, sub-conscious mind, hag in the attic. Well, whatever you like to call the voice in the back of your mind it sure is a bloody battle to keep on growing, to keep on going to improve yourself every day.
The battle between good and evil that goes on day in day out on this planet. You, the human, which is one of God’s highest forms of creation is used within this battle. Your darkness tries to control you, squash your dreams and talk you out of ever doing anything amazing because the fear takes over.
Don’t let it! You are far stronger then you can even begin to understand. You have the strength within you to fight the battle and come out stronger than before, however, that is just what it is, it’s a battle. An upward battle to come through each storm of growth because the comfort zone/darkness/ego HATES it when you succeed or create something that changes humanity for the better.
Why? Because it feels threatened that humanity will all stand together and completely destroy negativity. You see humanity is starting to fight back and take its power of freedom back. More and more people all across the world are starting to work on themselves, more and more people have the thirst for personal-growth each and every day. Slowly a blanket of love, respect and gratitude is starting to sweep across the world. Give it 10 years and there will be more people working on themselves every day to fight the ego/darkness than there is right now, and every 10 years after that it will increase.
It will then be passed down from generations to come and legacies will start to sweep over the nation and mindsets will be completely different to what they are now.
Is personal growth a constant battle?
YES! It is, but do you know what is worse? Sitting in your rocking chair at the age of 85 and looking at your grandchildren and telling them all the things you didn’t do with your life. I don’t know about you? But when I get to that age I still want to be travelling and speaking just like Bob Proctor! Still changing lives and have a huge pool of knowledge to share with every generation across the world.
Every time we reach another level of understanding, or we are about to reach another level of success. The ego/darkness HATES IT! So we are tested and the storm comes. That storm could be a battle of doubt, a testing moment, or it could be a way of testing your weaknesses or spiritual principles. So you have to be prepared and you have to be willing to accept that the storm is coming.
If you stay the course of the battle, either with your mind, or experience. Just keep your faith in knowing that on the other side of that battle or storm there is an amazing experience waiting for you.
You just have to ride the storm and win the battle first!
Have a wonderful Thursday,
Much Love & Appreciation
This is the biggest piece of advice I could give anyone who is on their journey towards building their online business. This is something I learnt at the very beginning of my own journey, and I have never looked back.
If you’re looking for information on how to be successful, ask successful people themselves. You will be surprised at how many of them are really helpful and are willing to talk about how they became successful in the first place. Or help you and teach you how they did it.
Social networking sites are very powerful tools and can be used to your advantage to either build what you are creating or receive support from the most amazing people in the world. It’s not just there to communicate with your friends—it’s also there to be used as a tool. So use it to your advantage!
However, I must warn you! It does have its downsides of some service providers/coaches promising you the Earth but never delivering or people calling themselves social media experts, when really they only have 500 followers on their page.
Find a person from your area of interest that is an expert and has become successful at what you wish to achieve! Ask them for some advice, or see how they can train you. This will then give you information on how to become successful in the field yourself. Their advice will point out the areas that you need to work on in order to reach your goals.
At the beginning of this week, I came up with the idea that I was going to start publishing 100 of the best coaches in the back of every issue of The Missing Piece magazine. This way our readers can access a trustworthy list of the best coaches handpicked by myself, in many different niches, so that they can be completely comfortable knowing that the people in that directory have ACTUALLY achieved what you wish to learn and apply to your own life.
Building a business isn’t easy, and with all the distractions around you and promises from people who promise to teach you 6 figures in 6 weeks, it can be stressful, overwhelming and sometimes completely confusing who to trust???? Well, never fear in asking anyone what they have achieved. Never be scared to come right out and ask (before you have paid them) “What have you achieved in your own life/business to this date?”
If they can’t give you the answers that really impress you or make you think “Wow I want to learn how to do that” then obviously it would be a waste of your time, and money to pay them. You would basically come away more frustrated then you went into the mentorship with them.
You worked hard for your cash, so invest it wisely! You deserve to live out your dreams and passions and be taught right by the right people. So never fear to ask before you invest, research the person before you invest, find out more about the person before you invest.
This little piece of research could lead to saving you a broken heart and money that could have been invested elsewhere to somebody who could help you! I look forward to publishing the top 100 coaches in our magazine issues to help you find the right coach for you!
You can expect our 100 coach directory to start appearing in our August 17th, 2017 issue. Over the course of the next 12 months, I will be looking to grow the directory up to 100 coaches in all different niches. These coaches will be TRUSTED and WILL bring change to your life!
I am excited to bring them to you!
Have a wonderful Thursday, and may this day be the best one yet!
Guest blog Written by Judy Van Niekerk:
Forgiveness is such a misunderstood concept in our society today.
Forgiveness is a journey, a natural by product of healing. A journey that involves so many twists, turns, dead ends and false horizons. With each dead end bringing with it a sense of going deeper into the abyss, and each false horizon a pain and frustration so consuming it threatens to overwhelm you.
Yet, one day, you wake up, wipe the sleep from your eyes, and something is different. You don’t know what it is, but all of a sudden you see colour, vibrancy and there is a light at the end of the tunnel that shows a clear and real horizon.
You have a feeling of inner peace, a connectedness that had been lost for so long, that feels so good to have back and there is hope, faith and excitement for what the future will hold.
Then a situation arises that makes you confront your source of betrayal, whatever form that took, be it abuse, loss, disease, violence – that you realise you feel so different towards it.
You have an ability to let it go. You realise that the person or situation does not have the same hold on you. Not for their sake, but for you, for the sake of your life and your own destiny.
It is then you realise you have forgiven!
Forgiveness does not mean to condone, it is not a judgment on the other person or situation – but a release of their hold on you. This was my experience when a few years ago, I was told by the police Detective that my father, who was serving 54 years in prison, was dying.
The memories of the years of pain, torment, fear and anguish washed over me like a tsunami but I didn’t drown under them, instead I intuitively knew what I must do. Living in South Africa at the time, I got the next flight to Dublin, and I went to see my father in the hospice where he had been transferred to.
It was the hardest, yet easiest thing I have ever done, walk into a room alone and face a man – who had imprisoned me for almost two decades whilst violently and daily raping me, shooting me, making me pregnant several times and conducting brutal home abortions – whilst I was isolated from society, denied schooling or any form of human interaction.
There I was face to face with the man, my father, the press had labeled evil after the court hearing.
I saw a wasted man, consumed by his own agony, still completely oblivious of the harm he brought to me as he continued to be able to right say it to himself and to me, still completely so self absorbed in his last days, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
Gratitude that I was able to break away from him, gratitude for everything I had achieved in my life, gratitude for all I had in my life and the life I was yet to live, gratitude that my path was so different to his and finally gratitude for the life he had given me for without it, I surely would not be living the life I have.
With that gratitude came an ability for me to say, thank you Dad for everything, I love you.
That was when I truly understood forgiveness.
It was not for me to judge my father’s journey in this life. Each one of us has our own path to walk. The experiences we encounter on that journey are skills, tools and even gifts that we need to fulfil that journey; and that day, I saw my father, a lonely middle aged man, having been a part of the gift of my life.
I did not need nor did I expect an apology from him, and when you think about it, if I genuinely believed that what he did for me was a gift, then what would he have to apologise for?
As you read this you may be at a very very different part of your journey towards healing, and you may find what I say so incredulous, unbelievable even or even tempted to label me with Stockholm Syndrome, just know that what you are feeling right now – is completely normal and totally understandable.
During some of the dark times on my own healing journey, when I read articles like this, I went out of my mind, I could not comprehend it. But as my journey continued, reading about others experience not only gave me hope, but helped me contextualise my confused web of feelings and emotions.
Although I forgive my father for all he did, I did report him to the police and it was the first ever case of it’s kind in Europe to have been held out of camera, free for the press to report. In his summation the Judge said it was the worst case of child abuse he had ever heard and sentenced my father to 54 years. The incidence of women and girls reporting sexual crimes went up 75% in Ireland at the time.
Forgiveness does not mean we condone, and does not prohibit us from taking action against those that had wronged us – for this is what is necessary in the mortal realm of society. But in the spiritual realm, forgiveness and gratitude is the food and nourishment for our soul.
Written by Judy van Niekerk
The past 7 days have been really extreme for me to say the least! You know when you have them moments of “Oh my gosh! Look how far I have come” moments?
Well, that was me this week. I watched a real life drama that told the story of a young woman who was beaten to death by her boyfriend while her 3-year-old daughter watched. This really placed me back to where I was 7 years ago, and how freaking LUCKY I am to be alive today!
I was in an abusive relationship in my early 30’s, which nearly cost me my life. The stress of that relationship caused me to develop anxiety disorder, which resulted from me in having huge panic attacks—one panic attack resulted in a stroke, which paralysed the right side of my body for two months afterwards. So to sit there and watch another person’s story and the fact she never made it out alive was EXTREME! I had a moment where I was shocked that I had come this far and was still alive.
Watching another person’s story took me back to the times when my ex would come home from the pub and sit at the end of my bed for two hours and give me of verbal torture, then he would then fall asleep into a beer coma next to me until morning. There were many times when I woke up in the morning wet through because he had wet the bed at the side of me. He would drink so much that he wouldn’t even get up to go to the bathroom, and just lay there and peed himself instead. One evening, when I suggested that he should slow down with his drinking because I was afraid he may have a drinking problem, he launched across the room and grabbed me by the neck and pushed my back up against the wall. He started squeezing my throat tighter and tighter and I panicked, thinking he was going to kill me. Finally, he slackened his grip and I fell to the floor, gasping for breath.
The ladies story took me back to my own, and the next morning I cried my eyes out. Not because I was upset, or because my life is bad in any way. I cried with massive appreciation in my heart that I now live with one amazing, loving man who will be my husband in only 10 weeks time. That I have a business that I love and a family that is so beautiful and precious in every way. I cried because I had completely changed my life around from the life I had only 7 and the half years ago!
I cried because I am so lucky compared to so many people in relationships who aren’t so lucky. The ones that don’t make it to even write a blog like this to share with you because their partner took their life. Having this huge awakening this week completely knocked me for six and I had to take time out for me to process all of this. Plus, yet another terrible incident happening in London this week where a whole tower block of people lost their homes, lost their loved ones and had to stand there and watch everything their own go up in flames.
All this and starting my new college course in addiction counselling and starting with my new coach was so much to take in and process all in one week. So when there is a lot to process it only means one thing for me. Take 5, process it all, recharge and then come back ready to face the world like a lion once more. If you don’t give yourself process time then your brain will overload and you could end up completely drained.
We always have to remember we are only human and breakthroughs, learning and situations in the world can have a massive impact upon you. And that’s ok, but just be honest with yourself and notice when you do need to process, and respect yourself enough time to allow that process to happen.
If I was to pretend to you that shit never happened to me, or that I didn’t need time to process all that has hit me in one week, wouldn’t I be really bullshitting you? I would be setting a fake stage by saying “Growth is easy” … Mmmmm no it isn’t! It’s far from freaking easy, and your followers will appreciate you so much more if you actually admit it!
So this is my confession list to you today:
- I cried this week because I am lucky to have all abusive relationships behind me and be still alive.
I have a new and amazing coach and she taught me more in one week than I learnt in 2 years!
The London tower fire made my heart heavy for those who have lost everything.
I am a college student working towards a Diploma in Addiction coaching and loving it!
I brought Matthew (future husband) to tears with his father’s day gift.
I am a human being and needed the time out yesterday to process everything from this week.
I am really really really appreciative of my life and YOU.
It’s been one heck of a journey to get here today, but I wouldn’t change any part of it. I will continue on this journey of growing The Missing Piece Magazine so that people like myself on a growth journey can have access to a powerful tool for FREE! So that they have to hand everything they need to work through them moments of processing. So they too don’t feel completely blinded by all the “perfection” that is placed before them in the world.
It can be so easy to follow somebody who makes it all look easy, who really does not tell you half of what they actually go through behind the scenes and to me that’s just complete rubbish and setting a fake high standard that you will never in a million years reach, or die trying. Growth is far from easy, it’s just freaking worth it!
This journey is never about how far you have yet to go, it’s about how far you have come already. Every other day from here on is just another bonus of you going further. As we go into the weekend take time for yourself and your own processing of this week. Tomorrow is the release of issue 6 of The Missing Piece Magazine and in this month’s issue, we are looking at The Laws of the Universe. what are they? Who wrote them? What are they all about? Do they work? and so much more will be answered inside with powerful articles and interactive video articles.
This is your chance to process some of the powerful knowledge in this month’s issue from all our 30 coaches and Plus an Exclusive Interview with our cover guy Mark Baker and so much more. Place your name and email address in the sign-up box below and issue 6 will be delivered straight to your inbox tomorrow.
So, until next time have a wonderful weekend and make this day your best day yet!
I had allowed someone to strip me so bare of my self-worth that I wanted to end it all. Even though I had two small children at the time and the world at my feet, I didn’t care in that moment. Sometimes, we get caught up in a fairy tale dream that we have and let someone strip the layers from our self-worth, strip by strip until there is nothing else to take away. They do say false love is blind, and blimey, it sure was at that point in my life. However, it was only one of the crosses I had to bear to become who I am today. Would I have changed that event in my life? NO!
What I learned from my life events was vital to being an effective coach. It gave me a deeper understanding of why some people feel worthless to the point of wanting to end their lives, especially when someone else in the equation plays a huge part in you not wanting to be here anymore.
I ended up in many abusive relationships in my life, which, again, nearly cost me my life. However, this time it was not by my own hands; it was the stress of one relationship that caused me to develop an anxiety disorder, which resulted from me in having huge panic attacks—one panic attack resulted in a stroke, which paralysed the right side of my body for two months afterward. Let me tell you about my journey of losing my self-worth completely by letting someone take it away from me.
MY KNIGHT IN SHINING TIN FOIL:
At the age of 30, I went to stay with my friend one weekend. She was having a little get-together with a few friends, and one person who I had not seen for over 10 years was going to be there that very evening. His name was Tim. He used to live on the very same street as me many moons ago with his partner and two step-children. Anyway, his relationship broke down and he moved away, never to be seen again—until now. It was a boy-meets-girl-again moment, a falling-head-over-heels-in-love moment, and all that crap.
(Now, when I say crap, I don’t want you to think for one moment I am being negative about love and relationships because that is far from true. This relationship was far from true love, and the end nearly cost me my life!)
Meeting Tim again had the similar feeling to when I had an affair with Adam, my boss—that feeling that tells you that you shouldn’t be doing this for some reason, but you do anyway. Obviously, this was the beginning of another painful lesson to be learned, and yet another cross to bear.
Tim was originally from Lancashire, the UK which is where he lived and worked. When we started our relationship, he would drive through on the weekends to see me and drive back on Sunday evenings. We lived around 250 miles apart, so there was quite a distance between us to travel to and from where he lived. We kept in touch through the week by phone, and he would call me most days, which at the time I thought was so sweet of him—me being completely unaware of the fact that Tim had a completely separate life on the other side of the coast!
Unknown to me, he actually lived with someone, which had somewhat escaped his attention to tell me this. Christmas 2009 was one of the worse Christmases I have ever experienced in my life. During the time of year where everybody celebrates and looks forward to a new year, I was sitting alone, crying my eyes out for two reasons. First, because Tim said he was coming to my house for Christmas, but he never turned up. His phone was switched off and I had no way of getting in touch with him. So there I was, left completely in the dark, thinking the guy may have died on the way to see me.
Second, because Facebook helps you to track down almost any human on the planet who uses it. I decided to contact a member of his family, and I contacted his brother to let him know I was Tim’s girlfriend and that I was worried because he had not turned up at my house that evening. His brother simply replied, “How can you be Tim’s girlfriend, when he lives with somebody?” My heart stopped and I couldn’t breathe. What a bloody fool I had been, AGAIN! Was every man who I came across just going to rip my heart out and stamp on it? You would think that right here and now, after finding this out, which made my Christmas a terrible one, that I would never take him back, right?
…Obviously, I had not suffered enough just yet….
I had stupidly been sucked in by his lies again as he started reeling off some bullshit story that he had been arrested that Christmas evening, had been locked up in a police cell and that he didn’t live with anyone. So blinded by what I thought was love, I believed him like a complete fool, and the relationship continued.
A couple more months into the relationship, Tim give up his flat in Lancashire and moved over to my hometown. He instantly said to me that he didn’t want to live in my hometown, and said we should consider moving to the countryside. So, again, blinded by what I thought was love, I started looking for houses to rent within the countryside. I found a large 3-bedroom property six miles away from where I currently lived, in a small village called Burton Agnes. I moved my children to different schools and gave notice on my current home and to all of my clients in my child-care business. I then moved six miles into the middle of nowhere to start a fresh life with Tim and my children.
I had to adjust after 11 years of living on my own as a single mother to now having a relationship with a person who lived under the same roof. To begin with, the relationship was fantastic: for the first four months, we were happy and my business picked up straight away with new clients, and I was soon looking after children within the village and surrounding village areas. I also made myself known at the local village school, so that the staff would know about me and the services I provided with looking after children.
It was an added bonus when the school invited me to teach for them once a week. They needed help with the children’s reading times, and with it only being a very small school, they didn’t have as many staff as they needed. The school was impressed with my track record of being a qualified child psychologist, as well as the experience I had as a child-minder. You could say my life was slotting into a perfect picture of happiness: I was living in a big gorgeous house in the countryside with a man who had moved from the other side of the country to be with me. (Yeah, right! If it had been that perfect, the book would stop here.) It was far from perfect. Only four months into the relationship, Tim changed dramatically. He had gone from a very happy soul who was full of life to becoming a grumpy, ignorant bastard who shouted at my children for any little thing. At first, I stood my ground with this man and told him not to speak to me or my children that way.
Only, over time that wore me down leaving me to being a complete doormat that he walked all over. It started with him going to the pub in the next village for a few pints now and again, but then the pub visits started to become more of a routine every single day. He would stay there all evening, fall through the door around midnight after driving three miles home from the next village. He would then sit on the end of my bed and wake me up in the middle of the night just to accuse me of sleeping with every man I had come in contact with.
After two hours of verbal torture, he would then fall asleep into a beer coma next to me until morning. There were many times when I woke up in the morning wet through because Tim had wet the bed at the side of me. He would drink so much that he wouldn’t even get up to go to the bathroom, and just lay there and pissed himself instead. One evening, when I suggested that he should slow down with his drinking because I was afraid he may have a drinking problem, he launched across the room and grabbed me by the neck and pushed my back up against the wall. He started squeezing my throat tighter and tighter and I panicked, thinking he was going to kill me. Finally, he slackened his grip and I fell to the floor, gasping for breath. How the hell had we got to this in only six months?
The next morning, he was full of apologies and tears, saying he was extremely sorry and that he would never do it again. He even called me again on his lunch break from work and kept crying on the phone, begging for forgiveness. I knew the only way forward from this was to get him help: he had a drinking problem, and he had to admit it so we could move forward and get him the help he needed. Only, Tim refused help, and things got worse. I was his point of abuse every single night after that for the next six long months, and each time I was just getting weaker, losing my identity and doing everything to please him and walk around on eggshells so as not to upset him.
When he asked me to marry him, I accepted, and I started to
plan and pay for our wedding. He didn’t put a penny towards any of it and continued to spend all of his money at the bar of the village pub. One evening, around nine weeks before the wedding, Tim held me hostage in my home and locked all the doors and put the house keys in his pocket. He then continued to mentally torture me for hours, telling me that I was not good for anything, only sex, and that I was a waste of space and that my kids would be better off if I died.
I begged him to stop and started screaming at him to let me go. He opened up the back door and said, “Go on, then, get out!” As I put half of my body through the door frame, Tim swung the door on to me and slammed my right leg between the door and the frame. It was not enough for him to do it once; he had to repeat it over and over again till I fell to the floor screaming. When I managed to drag my leg back through the door frame, he slammed the door and locked it. Now I was scared for my life, and I did think for one moment he would kill me. Flashes of images in my mind of my kids growing up without me entered my mind. He continued his mental torture for what seemed like another few hours. I was still on the kitchen floor at this time and still crying as he stood over me. He then turned and left the room because he needed to use the bathroom.
As I heard him climbing the stairs, my mind went into overdrive. How the hell could I get out this house now and make a run for it? He had every key to the house in his pocket, so there was no way I could get through any door right now, so sod it! I grabbed my phone, opened the kitchen window and climbed out of it. I began running down the path and then on to the main road. My leg was in a lot of pain, so running as fast as I usually could be not an option. I heard footsteps behind me and turned my head to see Tim running after me; he soon caught up to me and tried to pry my mobile phone out of my hand. “Give me that,” he said. “You are not calling anybody.”
I managed to keep my grip on my phone, and he couldn’t pry my fingers from it. So he pulled my hair from the back of my head and grabbed a clump of it in his hand and punched me full-force in the face with his fist. I dropped to my knees, dropping the mobile phone, which smashed in three places and hit the side of the road with a thud.
I looked up at him in disbelief at what he had just done to me and how he had just treated me. He walked away from me back up the road, shouting over his shoulder, “You best find a park bench to sleep on tonight because you are not coming back in the house.” That was it! Something inside of snapped; that was my home! I had paid for the goddamn thing, and everything in that house was mine—bought and paid for by me! I pulled myself up from the roadside. I knew there was a phone box at the top of the hill. I had to make it to this phone box and report this bastard to the police.
I dragged my swollen leg to the top of the hill and balanced myself inside the phone box so I didn’t put pressure on my swollen ankle. I lifted the receiver and dialed 999. I remember a soothing female voice on the other end of the line asking me where I was and whether I was safe. She told me she was sending two officers to come and collect me. I couldn’t tell you exactly what happened after that because I must have passed out, or the shock hit me. The next thing I knew, I came around to two police officers trying to get me off the floor of the phone box cubical. The officers helped me over to the police car and sat me on the back seat and asked me what I wanted to do about this situation. I looked up at them and said, “Arrest him.” The police drove up to the side of the house and asked me to wait around the side of the house till they had Tim in handcuffs and had put him in the back of the police car. The cheeky sod had gone to bed and locked me out my own home.
The police arrested him and put him in the back of the car—he didn’t go quietly, and he made a complete scene before they took him away. As soon as the officers had him in the police car, they told me to get back into my own house and a member of their team would come and see me in the morning to take a statement.
I sat up that night and watched the sunrise. With so much on my mind, I couldn’t sleep. I had to decide if I was going to press charges for assault and have Tim charged. My first instant decision was that the wedding was off and I wouldn’t be marrying him, even though everything was almost paid and my wedding dress had been ordered. There was no way I was going to marry this man.
By the time the police officers arrived to take my statement, I had talked myself out of pressing charges. A moment of weakness? Yes, and it’s so common among victims who experience domestic violence. Here I was, right now, acting the victim and refusing to press charges because I felt guilty for doing so. I was bowing down to this animal again and allowing him to walk all over me again. However, I stuck to my guns about the decision of canceling the wedding and contacted everyone the next day to let them know the wedding was indeed off. Now I just needed to find the same strength to do the same with this relationship.
One week after I had dropped the charges, I started suffering from dizzy spells and my breathing was hard to control. I would sometimes lose my balance, too, for a few moments, and it would follow with a huge wave of tiredness and a headache that felt like a train was crashing through my head. I ignored it at first until it became obvious that I could no longer ignore it anymore. It really started to affect my life, and even doing the simplest of things (like going to the supermarket) became so hard!
I had to keep my balance by gripping the supermarket trolley handle tightly, and try and control my fast breathing. The thought of everybody staring at me in the store and judging me made things ten times worse. I started to dread public places and lose control of my breathing, which would lead to dizziness and blind spots in my eyes.
I booked an appointment with my doctor to see if I could find out what was actually going on with me and why this was happening. The morning of my appointment, I sat in the doctor’s office awaiting a diagnosis of these crazy symptoms I was experiencing. My doctor looked at me and he said, “Is there something in your life that is causing you a lot of stress right now?” I looked at him and bear face lied and said, “No.” I was hiding behind my victim mask again and pretending that everything was rosy when it clearly wasn’t. He moved forward on his chair and said it again: “Is there something in your life right now that is causing you a lot of stress?” I looked at him and lied again! “No; why?”
He took a deep breath and said, “It seems you are suffering from anxiety disorder, and this is the reason behind all your symptoms. This is usually brought on through experiencing trauma or stress. It’s the body’s way of saying it’s been too strong for too long, and now the stress needs to go before something inside shuts down completely and makes you ill. ”Again, I told a big fat lie and said nothing was causing me stress right now. Because I wouldn’t admit it, he couldn’t actually prescribe me with anything or treat me for anxiety, because I was again hiding behind my victim mask and lying to him and every person around me, including myself, pretending that my life was great.
However, taking that denial out of that office and home with me only made my symptoms worse and they controlled my life even more. I started avoiding supermarkets altogether and, instead, had my grocery shopping delivered to my front door. I wouldn’t go out of the house unless I really had to, and even then it was a complete nightmare and I would lose control of my breathing, feel dizzy and want to run home and be safe behind my own front door again, which was not even possible while still living with Tim.
The following week, I had no choice but to leave the house, due to my son being sick with the flu. I caught the bus to town to pick him up some cough medicine and pick up a few other things while I was out. I just managed to pull myself together and willed myself to catch the bus to town and get the things I needed and hurry straight back home. I walked down the road to the bus stop and waited for my bus; while waiting there, I could feel that familiar feeling rising in my chest again—that feeling of uneasy breathing followed by a bout of dizziness that had me leaning against the bus shelter while I waited for the bus. I kept saying to myself over and over again, “You have to do this.”
The bus stopped to pick me up and I boarded the bus and sat down to take my journey to the nearest town, which was six miles away. Along the journey, my breathing became hard to control and I started having huge blind spots in my eyes and couldn’t see in front of me. This added to my panic attack and made it worse. I sat there and suffered in silence while my symptoms became increasing hard to deal with. As we became closer to the town centre, I knew I had to somehow walk down the aisle of this bus without falling over because I couldn’t see clearly in front of me.
My right arm went numb, which just added to my panic more. I pulled myself up off my seat and made it to the front of the bus, and I stepped off and turned the corner. I propped myself up against the wall of a building. The numb feeling in my arm intensified and spread from the top of my shoulder to the bottom of my fingertips, followed by what felt like the intense pain of pins and needles. You know yourself when you lay too long on your arm and it goes numb, and you have a tingly feeling rushing up and down your arm and it’s painful, right? Well, imagine that times ten!
I was now seriously panicking and drawing attention to myself. Passers-by in the street asked me if I was ok. I just knew there and then that I had to make it to the hospital, which was situated 10 minutes up the road from where I was right that second. I thanked everyone for their concern and shoved my numb hand into my pocket, and then proceeded to walk towards the hospital. I reached the hospital entrance and walked through the big entrance doors to be greeted by a male nurse, who said, “Are you all right?” I was trying to reply to him, but my speech became slurred and it sounded like I was drunk. I looked at him and just as I tried again to speak to him, I nearly fell over, but he caught me and helped me to a side room and put me to a bed. My right-hand side complete give way and I fell over onto the bed; now I was panicking!
I had totally lost control of one side of my body and couldn’t move it. My breathing started getting out of control. The male nurse called help for somebody else to come into the room. Both nurses positioned me properly on the bed and started asking me to calm down; one of them put a heart monitor on my chest, and my heartbeat per minute was rising to a very dangerous level.
The nurse looked at me and said, “If you don’t calm your breathing now, you will go into cardiac arrest and we will have to rush you to the city hospital.” By this time, my heart rate was climbing up to 285 beats per minute due to the panic of losing complete control of my right-hand side.
I managed to gain control of my breathing and slowly my heart rate reduced down, although as I was calming down, my right-hand side went completely numb, all the way from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I could feel that the right-hand side of my face had dropped, too. The nurse told me I was doing great and then he asked me for my name. I proceed to talk, and then found that I couldn’t! I tried again and again, and all that came out was, “K, K, Ka…”
I gave up and the tears of frustration rolled down my face. I had lost my control of speaking, and couldn’t do what we all take for granted each and every day. This made me panic and get frustrated. The nurse placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “It’s fine; we will try again in a little while.”
I wrote down Tim’s number and handed a note to the nurse to ask him to call Tim to let him know what was happening. Tim arrived around 15 minutes later and sat beside me in the hospital room, and all I could do was bore my eyes right through him. It hit me right there and then WHY I was in this state, and I fully knew he would NEVER change, and now was the time to put myself first and leave this bastard. I made the decision there and then that whatever was happening to me right now, I was going to heal, get off this fucking bed, and throw this man out my life for good! After an hour or so, my speech came back. It was a stutter, but least I could talk again and tell the nurse everything he needed to know. I still couldn’t move my right arm and shoulder, but the feeling in my leg and toes came back, which enabled me to rest at home till I had to go back into the hospital to have tests, including a brain scan. I didn’t want to leave my kids in Tim’s care because God knows how he would have treated them. The first evening after I had left the hospital, I did feel extremely unwell, exhausted, and I knew I needed to rest.
I remember laying there propped up on around five pillows, not being able to move, just staring at the ceiling, wondering what my first action step would be to get my life back on track as soon as I could move again. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, I was awoken by somebody sitting beside me. They were sitting a bit too close—actually, they were sitting on top of me, and I had to move back a little in the bed so they could sit on the bed beside me. I opened one eye to see who had disturbed me from my sleep, only to see my grandmother sat right beside me.
Only, it didn’t look like her at the age she had died; she looked exactly like she did in her old photos when she was around my age. I smiled at her and she smiled back and I slipped back to sleep.
I was awakened a second time that evening to the sheer pain of pins and needles shooting up and down my arm again, and this time I was so weak and fed up of the pain I actually remember surrendering to death. I thought this was it, that I was dying, and there was nobody around to help me. I must have passed out and fallen back to sleep again because I was awoken a third time to a bright ball of light in front of me. It contained a group of people that I had never seen before in my life. The bright ball of light just hovered in front of my face and it started flashing different faces of different people who I had never seen before.
WAS THIS IT? WAS I PASSING OVER? WAS I DYING?
Something was happening, and I couldn’t quite understand exactly what. I know to this day I was not dreaming; I know what I saw. I made it to the next day anyway and needed two weeks’ bed rest after that day, and I also needed the help to do little things like bathing myself, go to the toilet and feed myself. I was very limited to what I could do with one side of my body completely paralyzed from the waist up. My children were little angels and helped me so much during that time, and never complained once. They even cooked dinner every night and did the household chores for me while I lay in bed, gaining my strength back. By the second week, I could get out of bed, but I couldn’t use my right-hand side very well. My speech was back to normal and I could do more for myself and not rely so much on people like I had in the beginning.
Now it was time to put that decision that I made in that hospital bed into action and throw Tim out my house. He didn’t go quietly and accused me of wanting him out my life so that I could move another man in. (Yeah, right!) In the end, I called the police and had him removed from my home. Suddenly, with him out the house, the whole atmosphere in the house completely changed. It was like me and the kids could breathe again and be ourselves; a dark cloud had started to disappear from above our heads. For three days after getting kicked out, Tim lived in his car (which I had paid for) and drank himself stupid.
Each time he got drunk, he would then drive back to my home and shout and make noise on my doorstep till I rang the police to have him removed. Do I feel guilty for making this guy homeless? Do I? Bollocks! He should have saved the money he spent on beer and checked into a hotel; at least then he would have had a bed to sleep in. Three days later, some other poor soul felt sorry for him and let him stay with them; he fed them a completely bullshit story about it all being me that had caused him harm and that I wanted him out the way because I was seeing someone else.
I started searching on the internet for a house to rent back in my hometown. It was time to go back and get my life sorted out, be closer to my friends again, and get back to the real world after being isolated for so long in the middle of nowhere. As I began searching, that little voice from inside popped up and said, “New Pasture Lane.” So I listened and Googled that street name.
There it was, right in front of my eyes: a 3-bedroom house to rent on New Pasture Lane. I rang the phone number attached to the ad and went to view the house that week. The house needed a lot of decorating, but I didn’t care right at that point. I looked past it and knew I could make it into a nice home for the children and me to live in. I handed in my notice of my country home and hired a complete removal team to pack all my stuff and move all my belongings and furniture to the new house.
Within that time, Tim had tried almost every day to contact me, but I was not interested. You know for yourself that whenever a relationship ends, whether good or bad, we still have to mourn the loss of that person because we shared a life with them. So yes, part of me did miss him, but a bigger part of me hated him and wouldn’t allow him back in my life.
I moved into my house on New Pasture Lane in August 2011 at the age of 32 years old. I was finally free to start a new life and a new beginning and focus solely on building my business and being a mum to my children. As I started unpacking, I came across the “wedding box” which contained everything that was purchased for Tim’s and my supposed wedding day. I stuffed it all into a charity bag and took it to the nearest charity shop (brand-new wedding dress included) and handed it all over the counter to the assistant. It was like cutting that last cord to freedom.
Under the very watchful eye of my doctor, with light exercise each day I got stronger, and I even started jogging lightly again. The more I ran each week, the more feeling came back in my right arm. I was beginning to become fully mobile again, and although I still couldn’t grip things properly with my right hand, I was determined to succeed and keep trying—no matter how many cups I broke in the process 🙂
The doctor told me to be careful because the results of my brain scan had shown I had a slight scar on my brain from the stroke, and this is what caused me to stutter the odd time and have a twitching eyelid. Other than that, my right-hand side was becoming stronger each day. My self-confidence, however, had been completely crushed and I was almost running empty on it. Whenever someone called the house, I would get my son to answer the phone because I feared to speak to the other person on the other end. This went as far as not even ordering a takeaway pizza! My poor son, who was 12 years old at the time, was relied on for this, too—until the day he snapped at me and said, “Why can’t you do it? I’m sick of doing it for you!”
That there was a wet fish-slap around my face! Was this what had I become? I was supposed to be this young man’s protector, yet he was telling me off and telling me to pull up my big-girl pants and be a mother. The next time the house phone rang, I picked it up, only to be greeted by a call from Tim. He lied out of his backside and told me he needed to see me give me back some official papers that had gotten mixed up in his things when I had thrown him out my house.
I slammed the phone down on him after telling him to get lost. However, this man didn’t seem to take no for an answer, and couldn’t quite accept that I didn’t want him in my life again. That same evening, as I lied in bed, I heard a noise outside; at first, I thought it may have been a neighbour, so I ignored it and went back to sleep. I woke up again and froze in my bed to see a shadow looming over me: it was Tim. He had broken into my
new home through the kitchen window and come to make sure I had no other man in my bed.
I jumped out of the bed, ran down the stairs and grabbed the phone. I dialed 999 and was just about to speak to the operator, but Tim tried to grab the phone out my hand. I struggled with him for a while to try to hustle him to the back door so I could open it and shove him out my house. I was so angry that this man had broken into my new home that was supposed to be my new haven away from this crazy man.
I punched him really hard in the right side of his head, opened my back door and threw him out of it, and then slammed it and locked the door. As I threw him out, a police car with flashing lights turned into my road. Tim saw the police car and started running down the street. One of my neighbours had actually seen him climb through my kitchen window and had called the police before I did. I went back to bed and tried my best to sleep the best I could for the rest of the evening. I had a friend’s wedding to attend the next day and I could have really not done with this right now. It was going to be hard enough to watch my friend walk down the aisle and marry the man she loved when seven days before that date, it would have been my very own wedding day.
As you can imagine, by now I didn’t think my life could get very much worse. I was having that moment again where I was thinking, “When the fuck am I going to get a break here? When will people just leave me to get on with my own life in peace, so that I can just make a success of my business and bring my children up?”
The whole experience of Tim’s and my relationship had really had a massive impact already on both my children, and it was such a relief for both of them—and for me—to finally be rid of his drama and live in peace again. After a few emotionally draining weeks, our lives started to get back on the positive
track. The children were enrolled at a local school and they had settled in nicely, plus my nanny business had a boost of new clients as it always did during the school summer holidays. This enabled me to seriously decorate my new home; so, with business doing well and a house to decorate, along with bringing two children up by myself again, my time was pretty occupied.
I was nowhere near ready to have any form of relationship and decided to stay single for a heck of a long time. The main focus now was my children, my business, decorating my home and finding myself again. I had actually forgotten how much I had missed just the three of us were by ourselves. The freedom was back, and the atmosphere was quite relaxing and free once more.
An unclear fuzzy mind can be a death trap to your life and business. When you are not totally clear on the direction you want to go or big life decisions you have to make, your mind can become overcrowded with dozens of ideas, become unclear of the direction you want to go in and can lead to all sorts of troubles down the road.
Not planning in your business and rushing into projects can have disastrous consequences leaving you pulling your hair out, feeling overwhelmed to the point of wishing you never started.
Clarity is king! It helps you clear the fog in your mind, place everything into perspective and really help you become unstuck and take action on what needs to be done to move forward. The only thing is? How do we actually get the clarity? What tools can we use to get clear about big decisions?
Let me list you a few things here that really work for me and try them yourself:
1) Have a brain dump! Grab a piece of paper and a pencil and dump all your ideas that are whirling around in your head onto a piece of paper. You will feel better when you transfer your mind to paper and plus you won’t forget anything important if you note it down.
2) Talk to someone, or a coach, ask them if you can tell them your ideas and take in the feedback that the person gives you. By getting off your chest what is whirling around in your head you can really bring clarity to a situation by hearing yourself describe it to somebody else.
3) When you have done the above 2 then start to plan your action steps to what you will be doing to carry out your transition, ideas, or goals. Now your mind is clear it needs a plan of action to get moving in the right direction.
By taking into account this 3 step process of gaining clarity, you will be completing your goals in no time at all! And your actions will be well thought out with a clear mind and a singing heart!
I hope this process helps you gain clarity as much as it does me. After all, clarity is king!
And a fuzzy mind is a deathtrap!
Have a wonderful Wednesday!
Much love & appreciation
It’s great to be back after a long weekend of fun with the inlaws, and a lazy day with zero social media and watching every Superman film in one weekend.
Tomorrow I will be back with my podcast 15 Minutes of Motivation and the subject I am looking at this week is the subject of “Taking things for granted”. We have all done this in our time and we really don’t begin to see how much we do this until we take our journey of self-discovery.
One of the biggest, and first, lessons we usually learn on our self-discovery is gratitude. We take up exercises from coaches and then incorporate more gratitude into our lives. This can be in many ways, either writing a gratitude journal each day, writing 10 lines on what you are grateful for, or speaking affirmations each day to change your habits and mindset so that your beliefs become new ones.
Which is a great start to changing how we appreciate things more and really open our eyes to how lucky we are? Or do we?
Do we really appreciate everything that is in front of us? Do we really appreciate everything so much that we don’t need to look outside ourselves for anything else? … No! Not everyone on a self-discovery journey does, and here’s why.
If you are in a situation right now where you are frustrated and just want it to be better, guess what? It won’t get any better until you start to love what you have already with a full heart. This is where your gratitudes levels lack, and due to you lacking in them areas your reality won’t improve.
If you are complaining about the house you live in because you wish to move to a better one, guess what? You won’t get it until you start to love the home you are in and raise your gratitude levels for what you have already, because right now for you to even have a home is a luxury. There is plenty of homeless people that would take it off your hands tomorrow!
I could go on about your car, your partner, your kids, clients, family members, pets, friends, etc…
We have all complained (and still do) without actually noticing when we do, we lack gratitude in this area. This is a lesson for all of us to really start to become highly aware of where our gratitude levels are lacking.
What does this mean for us spiritually?
It means we are acting like spoilt brats and having a too high expectancy of thinking we deserve to have something better, yet we cannot see that we only have what we have right now because we are not faithful (Grateful) enough with what we have, and it’s only when we appreciate what we have completely without a divided heart, is when we are rewarded with better.
“My child, don’t forget what I teach you. Always remember what I tell you to do. My teaching will give you a long and prosperous life. Never let go of loyalty and faithfulness. Tie them around your neck; write them on your heart. If you do this, both God and people will be pleased with you.”
~ Proverbs 3: 1-4
“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
If you only take one thing away from this blog today, please take away how to be more faithful of what you have now, so you can be rewarded with so much more. Because right now the frustration you feel of not moving forward is only going to keep you on a hamster wheel until you take my advice.
When I started to understand my complaining was keeping me stuck, you betcha! I stopped complaining!!!
Have a truly awesome rest of your day! and I will speak to YOU on my podcast tomorrow.
Much love & appreciation